So I am house sitting slash babysitting right now and Im having trouble sleeping though Im exhausted. I've been thinking a lot the past couple of nights about my blog and about the scene and videos and that aspect and my life- how it all fits in.
And Im not sure it does.
Nothing has happened. No major crisis or emotional upheaval. I was started back on birth control this month after a month off bc of migraines and I think its making me more emotional and stressed in general. But Im still in what i would consider a very very good place. Also lonely this weekend away from my kitten and my house and my nana and papa and Paul is out of town, but Im not sure that's it either.
Oh, and someone is cyber attacking my business which upset me a lot on Thursday. But again, not really huge.
I think Im just questioning if this makes me happy. I am finding myself so happy in other aspects of my life, and the void this used to fill no longer needs filling, quite often. Whatever that void was.
I love the people here for the most part, though I've been more distant this part year, so its not that anything is making me unhappy.
Its a bit like this is all something I just fell into. I've always been obsessed with spanking and Im certainly an attention whore ;-) but this whole blog thing was a complete accident. I think i sometimes forget that I still had a spanking life before my blog. Certainly it would have been very different and I know i wouldn't have gotten to meet so many of the people that I've met without it. So I am not saying i regret it at all. More like that perhaps it has run its course?
There are times when I wish i could just go back to being that normal spanko girl on SIN trying to find a date, and wondering if i should send a guy a picture. And lets be honest, there are more than a few days when I just want out of the scene in general with all its bull shit and drama. I signed up for spanking. Not that nonsense.
But at the same time i know myself, and I know how much I have loved the attention, the sounding board, the support, and often the pulpit. And do i want to give that up? And for what?
What is it that doesn't feel right?
I just burned a bunch of DVDs and am talking with people about a members site... Am i pushing so much farther bc something seems off and Im trying to fix it? And if so, is farther in the way to go?
Now that Im writing this out on my phone, Im remembering one of the amazing things about this place.
I think its the videos and the business that is making me unhappy. I never wanted that. I just wanted to share and have fun.
Maybe I don't need to cut away completely. Maybe I just need to get back to basics.
Im not really sure what Im feeling. I mean honestly Im not really feeling anything negative or positive about this- it feels very back burner. But something in my gut is telling me to make a change.
And like I tell all of my students- always go with your gut.
The idea of back to basics and no more business and videos is actually making me feel calm... Now the question is can my competitive, attention seeking side live without it? My competitive side btw is not a very healthy part of me.
I could really use feedback on this one y'all. Love you