Sunday, October 2, 2011

existentialism and my life in the scene

Hey team

So I am house sitting slash babysitting right now and Im having trouble sleeping though Im exhausted. I've been thinking a lot the past couple of nights about my blog and about the scene and videos and that aspect and my life- how it all fits in.

And Im not sure it does.

Nothing has happened. No major crisis or emotional upheaval. I was started back on birth control this month after a month off bc of migraines and I think its making me more emotional and stressed in general. But Im still in what i would consider a very very good place. Also lonely this weekend away from my kitten and my house and my nana and papa and Paul is out of town, but Im not sure that's it either.

Oh, and someone is cyber attacking my business which upset me a lot on Thursday. But again, not really huge.

I think Im just questioning if this makes me happy. I am finding myself so happy in other aspects of my life, and the void this used to fill no longer needs filling, quite often. Whatever that void was.

I love the people here for the most part, though I've been more distant this part year, so its not that anything is making me unhappy.

Its a bit like this is all something I just fell into. I've always been obsessed with spanking and Im certainly an attention whore ;-) but this whole blog thing was a complete accident. I think i sometimes forget that I still had a spanking life before my blog. Certainly it would have been very different and I know i wouldn't have gotten to meet so many of the people that I've met without it. So I am not saying i regret it at all. More like that perhaps it has run its course?

There are times when I wish i could just go back to being that normal spanko girl on SIN trying to find a date, and wondering if i should send a guy a picture. And lets be honest, there are more than a few days when I just want out of the scene in general with all its bull shit and drama. I signed up for spanking. Not that nonsense.

But at the same time i know myself, and I know how much I have loved the attention, the sounding board, the support, and often the pulpit. And do i want to give that up? And for what?

What is it that doesn't feel right?

I just burned a bunch of DVDs and am talking with people about a members site... Am i pushing so much farther bc something seems off and Im trying to fix it? And if so, is farther in the way to go?

Now that Im writing this out on my phone, Im remembering one of the amazing things about this place.

My place.

I think its the videos and the business that is making me unhappy. I never wanted that. I just wanted to share and have fun.

Maybe I don't need to cut away completely. Maybe I just need to get back to basics.

Im not really sure what Im feeling. I mean honestly Im not really feeling anything negative or positive about this- it feels very back burner. But something in my gut is telling me to make a change.

And like I tell all of my students- always go with your gut.

Thoughts? Advice?

The idea of back to basics and no more business and videos is actually making me feel calm... Now the question is can my competitive, attention seeking side live without it? My competitive side btw is not a very healthy part of me.

I could really use feedback on this one y'all. Love you


Princess Kelley


  1. May I recommend a book: "Steering by Starlight" by Martha Beck?

    It's good for helping figure out what you want and what you want to do.

    Karl Friedrich Gauss

  2. You have to do what truly makes you happy. Sometimes that ideal can be clouded by the wishes of others and the self inflicted pressure that overcomes reasoning that benefits ourselves.

    Here if you need to call.

  3. Hi,

    If you are not sure that they are making you happy at this point in your life then rather than stopping your clips and films, while not take a pause for the next two months and reflect on how you feel then.

    I hope that helps and I am also here if you want a chat so feel free to drop me a e-mail if you want to.



  4. Hi Kelley,

    "Always go with your gut." That's some great advice you've given yourself. When I go against my intuition, I usually regret that choice eventually. By all means listen to the suggestions, but at the end of the day, you know best.

    With that said, I think finding a committed loving partner would be beneficial for you.

    As an aside, I really disliked birth control pills. They mess with your mind and body in ways that are not healthy.

    Do what you love and the rest will follow.

    Write me anytime.


  5. Good Afternoon Princess,
    I have enjoyed very much reflecting on what you have shared, one of the reasons I enjoy reading your blog is because of how raw and honest your thoughts are.

    I think that trying to figure out what aspects of this made you happy and that you loved doing is probably the key in this.

    Being able to focus on only those aspects once again, and not bothering to focus on the BS or business stuff if you don't enjoy that.

    The only person whose expectations you can always live up to is yourself. So focus on what areas you feel at peace with and spend time there.

    I agree with Bonnie's comment, "Do what you love and the rest will follow."


  6. Birth control pills are notorious for causing mood alterations. I know from the experience of women in my life that they can take away your desire to do much of anything. So, I would definitely consider alternatives, independent of what you think about the videos.

    As for the videos, they may have simply outlived their usefulness in your life. However, I wouldn't do anything too precipitous about it. Every worthwhile thing you do will seem like a drag at some point. The problem is that you can't tell until, usually, much later whether that was just testing your resolve or a sign that you ought to make a change.

    My advice would be to dump the pills and look for alternatives first, then make your decision later. That way, you know you are doing it with a clear head. Even if you do the exact same thing, I think that later on you'll be more convinced you made the right decision about it.

  7. When a 'hobby' becomes a 'business' it's not unusual for you to find all the fun has suddenly been sucked out it, only to be replaced with stress and 'paper work'.

    If your business is your sole form of income, then it's a necessary evil and you'll just have to get used to it encroaching on something that once was just a pleasurable release.

    If it isn't, then you need to ask yourself whether it's something you really need in your life. Is producing and releasing the videos as enjoyable as it used to be. Or is it becoming a chore?

    As others have said, take a step back from the videos and see if it helps. Maybe you'll miss them, in which case you'll have to figure out what aspect of it was cause of the issue and change it.

    - DrRuth

  8. We've asked the same exact questions you're asking and made the same points. We had a life with spanking (and lots of it) before we got into "the scene." We sometimes... especially when we're being attacked... wonder if the BS that comes with the scene is really worth it.

    In the end, we have focused on avoiding the BS and the people that pitch it. We instead do our thing and spend our scene time with good hearted people that are enjoyable to be around (like you!). That's worked for us.

    Certainly nothing wrong with you taking a break from the model/business side of things. Think there is a lot to be said for starting back up on BC... so maybe don't make any BIG decisions? Taking a break is a small thing though. Give it some time with no pressure to decide anything. Then sit back and decide it you feel like doing a video or whatever... if that's something you'd enjoy... and figure it out then.

    Definitely don't let the haters get you down though sweetie.

    Big hugs... we miss ya...
    ~Todd and Suzy

  9. hi kiddie ,we enjoy your blogs and free vid clips and chatting together so hope you will carry on with your blog when you feel right ,love and spanks and huggs ,tim xx

  10. Hello Kelley:

    I heard this tune recently and thought of you:

    First of all, I am glad that you now have a cowboy in your life. I am also glad that you have your tutoring business up and running. I am not sure what to suggest wrt the spanko side of your life that hasn't already been said by the previous 9 posters.

    I will continue praying for your emotional, physical and spiritual health

    *avuncular hug and forehead smooch

  11. Kelly, I agree with another commenter, if the sale of videos is not now a way of paying the bills, any business is going to bring stress.
    I don't know where you live in relationship to any other producer of "spanking" videos? Turn the business aspect over to them and just partcipate when you feel you have something to share with those who now follow the blog.
    Do you know how many regular blog readers come to your site? If it's a lot, it's becuase you just write whatever you want to say not because the blog has to be "commerical" So all those folks who you have "reached" are there for a reason. Just keep up the blog when you want to write something. Stephen

  12. I think "going simple" and dropping the vid production stuff might be a good break. But whatever feels right, Princess!

  13. Kelley hope you return to your blog ,love and spanks ,tim xx

  14. So what you're saying is, I can find girls to spank on SIN?

  15. I know this is an old post, but I know from personal experience. I'm a year older than you, but had a similar experience. I was so thoroughly obsessed with spanking from a young age and turning 18 only increased it because now I could do it. I did videos, travelled, got spanked by probably a hundred or more people. And it didn't make me happy. I had blogs, a website, etc. None of it made me happy. I took a break from spanking while in school and when I graduated, going back to it was odd. I could go slow, pick and choose, get it right. And right wasn't attention filled, playing with a lot of people, or videos. Right was my boyfriend and our intimacy and how awesome it was. Even after we broke up, right was still searching for that 1 on 1 intimacy that would always be more special than anything else. I don't regret the videos or the exploration, but I am so thankful that as I grew, I learned about myself and what I wanted and how I wanted it. A public, spanking model/video life may be what you want, or it may not...but you can never go back once you do it. You can change your mind to DO it but you can never undo it.