Saturday, December 29, 2012

Question Friday: Dick Sucking, Email Answering, Fucking, Spanking and BDSMing

Hey Team,
So I decided to steal from the Vlogbrothers again and do a question-Tuesday style video that I am calling Question Friday. :) I am hoping to make this a thing, either weekly or biweekly so send me your questions and I will try to answer as many as I can!
Princess Kelley

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas!

Hey Team,
Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!
Just a super quick little vlog that ends with a Mozzie cameo (he has been a bit upset by the unexpected snow here, and I think that caused his little tantrum). Just thought it'd be nice to say hi in person of sorts :)

Oh, and just for the Christmas spirit:

Princess Kelley

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I Can't Always Have a Witty Title, OK?!?!

Dear Universe,

Thank you for spanking fanfiction. And for wands. :)

Princess Kelley

PS. Oh, and for towels! I do sometimes tend to make a mess. *blush*

Monday, December 17, 2012

"The Night"

Hey team,
So occasionally I write things down when I'm being smart and not jet letting my feelings overtake me. And occasionally those things end up being poems. They are always anxiety and never any good, but I thought I would share this one. It sucks, but hey. I never claimed to be a writer. Just a girl.

Princess Kelley

The night is painful
because the night is empty.
It's dark and quiet;
the excitement from the day gone to rest.

The phone stays defiantly still;
inbox empty--
refresh button be damned.
When all that is left is a re-run
of an informertial you've seen twice
Or the latest from the "next great"
crossover artist on the radio.

When the constant roar
turns to a dull moan.
When the walls stop screaming,
and you hear the screams within.

The night is not painful;
the pain is omnipresent.
The night is simply quiet enough,
dull enough, to feel it.
Feel it over the stimulation
we pump ourselves full of
in fear.

I do not fear the dark.
I do not fear the quiet.
I do not fear the night.
I fear my head,
my heart,
my self.
And I fear the dark, the quiet,
-the night-
will let them loose.

Nighttime Struggles....

Hey Team,

I was going to write this as a status on fetlife, but then it ended up being way too long, so here it goes....
Does anyone else struggle with depression being worse at night? I am finding it so endlessly frustrating! I wake up in the morning feeling energized and ready to go and take on the day. I feel normal, healthy, and alive. My days are usually good- I am able to get up and out; most days I accomplish all the things I hope to accomplish, and I work with my students in the evenings, which is incredibly rewarding.

But then I am home, and most nights it's just me and Mozzie (my cat), and the dark starts to creep in. Some nights I do things and it's totally fine. I will play WoW or watch shows that I recorded that I'm excited about... but I am rarely able to get work done, and if there isn't something recorded or even some nights if there is... I just start to feel alone and... empty.

And it's not even just when I'm alone it turns out! I had my Daddy this weekend, both nights(!), and it was amazing. Beyond amazing really. Friday evening was pretty close to perfection, with some of the most amazing sex, and "making love" that I have ever had. And I just also had a good time just being with him and in his arms. But Saturday... the night was fine. Things were a bit off- Daddy was super tired from work and in a bit of a weird mood- but certainly nothing major. But I felt really separate from him, and I just couldn't shake it. And as the evening got later and later, the feelings of darkness kept creeping in until we were in bed and I was engulfed.

I was in my Daddy's arms- the safest place in the entire world- and I started crying. He was asleep, and I desperately didn't want to wake him. Partially because I really want to be able to do this on my own- he wants me to be strong, and I want me to be strong for myself. But also because Daddy isn't really the comforting type in that way. And that's ok! Please don't get me wrong. If I expected my Daddy to be something other than who he is, it would be really hard. But I know the man I love, and nothing that happened surprised me. Unfortunately, I did wake him, and he snapped at me to get over it and stop crying. That I was being ridiculous, which I was. I mean, yes, comfort would have helped and been appreciated, but like I said, I know my Daddy, and I accept him for who he is.

But so I'm laying there in his arms, and this feeling of what can just best be described as darkness is consuming me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. He rolled over and we separated, and I couldn't calm myself down. The sad quickly turned to panic and fear (I don't like my Daddy being upset with me), and a full blown panic attack started. So I reluctantly took a xanax that was on the counter (I have been trying to not take any- Daddy doesn't like it, and I had become to dependent on it- but I recognize that this was an unusual circumstance) which calmed me enough to be able to eventually sleep, and to stop crying. But this feeling of nausea and depression took over- something I haven't felt in years. Just this abyss that if I lost my Daddy I would be completely alone. That I have burned so many bridges and lost so many friendships with my own lack of communication and failed to make meaningful new ones... that I would be utterly alone. Even the thoughts of my family couldn't calm that fear, or make the sick in my stomach go away.

But I woke up this morning feeling fine. Daddy and I made up, and I had a great day with my students. But here I am again tonight, feeling insecure and scared and alone and... dark and twisty. And it is making me feel so PISSED THE FUCK OFF!!!! I thought I was better! I wanted to be better! I feel like I've made so much progress, and I have been talking with Daddy and some other people about trying to go off my medicine, which I have been on for about 4 years. I initially went on for anxiety, and stayed on when I suffered my first bought with depression two years ago. But since feeling better lately, and am on what is a really low dose,  I was hoping to go off, because there is a huge part of me that misses a lot of the anxious- it is part of who I am and part of what made me as successful as I was... and I want that part of me back...

But now with this set back... it seems like I'm not there. And I can't help feeling like I'm never going to be.

So yeah, does anyone else have a harder time at night? Has anyone been able to go off meds successfully?  Can someone please just tell me that it gets better?

Princess Kelley

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Bottoms UP!

Hey Team,

So I am having a weird day of ennui, and decided to get this post written while it popped into my head before I forget again!

This past Saturday was our local group's annual Christmas party, which could very easily be my favorite party of the year. In addition to the normal fun and shenanigans that we get into, we also do a "Naughty Santa" gift exchange which ends up being a riot, and this year was no exception.

So this was my first local party since the whole thing with Paul went down. I was kinda running it, but that is an entirely different discussion that will unfortunately never happen since everyone reads my blog, lol. Regardless, I thankfully had lots of help, and Mr. OMK took a bunch of the work on and so I got to really sit back and enjoy myself more than I usually do.

This was also my first local party not being Paul's date. My very first public spanking adventure ever was a bottoms UP party, and I was Paul's date. So there was a lot of significance to this event for me. There was a part of me that felt I needed to prove something- both to the group and to myself. I had to work hard to win over some of the people in this group- to prove I was something more than just another one of Paul's bimbo's. And I felt that I was going to have to prove again that I was worthwhile not only as a leader without him, but also just as a person. And there was certainly an aspect of proving it to myself- that Shadow Lane wasn't a fluke, and that I really can do this on my own.

Daddy talked about going with me, or at least making an appearance. He wanted to support me in whatever I am doing, but we eventually decided against it. Daddy is super BDSM, and the very casual, kinda loud, and super bratty atmosphere of Bottoms Up turned him off the last time he went (when we were first together back in February he made an appearance at a party and it was very stressful for both of us). I didn't want to end up putting pressure on myself to keep him happy to the detriment of my enjoyment, or simply for him to be unhappy. And for him, he thought it was very important that I went and showed myself that I could do it on my own. And show everyone else that I was strong on my own, and not a girl who always needed to be on a man's arm.

So! lol, I get to the party as the mixer is ending, right as everyone is heading upstairs, and there are a TON of people. The x-mas party is usually one of the largest events of the year, but there were at least 10 people there that I did not know, and that is not normal. It took me a while to get back into the swing of things, and to feel comfortable. I was very nervous- not sure what people would say or think, not sure what people knew or didn't know- but once again this group of amazing people proved themselves to be worthy of the title family. I was once again embraced with open arms, and things started flowing like nothing had changed. :)

But things for me have changed a lot in regards to spanking. I am in a BDSM relationship, not a spanking one, and while that has been wonderful and amazing and crazy and scary and erotic and exciting (I swear I will blog about this at some point!), I am a goddamn spanko! And I hadn't had a "proper" spanking since Shadow Lane on Labor Day Weekend!!! (this is from a girl who got spanked multiple times a day every day for a year and a half). Daddy gets upset sometimes when I say that I don't get spanked, given that he does smack my ass, lol, and I do receive corporal punishment as discipline, but to be fair, the man purposefully doesn't give me what he knows I want in terms of spanking just to fuck with me, lol, so he can't complain too much! I think if anything, this party just showed me how much of a spanko I am and always will be. :)

So I'm also at this point the day before my period, so super emotional and all needy and kinda little. And I was feeling guilty about an email I had sent to Mr. OMK, and about a bunch of other stuff, and I just really wanted a good spanking. Super traditional, over the knee, skirt up, panties down, firm hand on my bare bottom with lots of scolding. Unfortunately, I knew that would be hard to come by at the party since it is a playful environment, and because that sort of thing requires a lot of trust. I love these people and feel close enough to probably two of them to submit to that kind of thing, but those aren't the relationships we have. I want that from my Daddy, and it's really hard for me that I can't have that, but I'm learning to adapt...

Anywho, I just decided to have fun and let things go where they went. I have become much more relaxed about a lot of my limits lately, including those about markings, and I knew this was going to be my opportunity to play like this for a while, so I was wanting and willing to play hard. I normally end up topping primarily at these parties, and I did top and had a great time doing so, but decided to focus on bottoming (which to be frank, half way through the party, was a decision my headspace made for me), and have my needs met. :)

Ok, so onto the blow by blow (as best as I can remember) with fewer details but possibly more pictures? than normal:
NOTE: if I refer to you by the wrong name (ie scene name vs real name) or you would rather I remove mention of you, please let me know by email or text! :)

Oh dear god. I just started outlining this. I got spanked 10 separate times, spanked 2 people, and had two vanilla related things to talk about... that is going to come after work. :) For now, you will just have to be patient. ;)

Princess Kelley