Monday, December 17, 2012
I was going to write this as a status on fetlife, but then it ended up being way too long, so here it goes....
Does anyone else struggle with depression being worse at night? I am finding it so endlessly frustrating! I wake up in the morning feeling energized and ready to go and take on the day. I feel normal, healthy, and alive. My days are usually good- I am able to get up and out; most days I accomplish all the things I hope to accomplish, and I work with my students in the evenings, which is incredibly rewarding.
But then I am home, and most nights it's just me and Mozzie (my cat), and the dark starts to creep in. Some nights I do things and it's totally fine. I will play WoW or watch shows that I recorded that I'm excited about... but I am rarely able to get work done, and if there isn't something recorded or even some nights if there is... I just start to feel alone and... empty.
And it's not even just when I'm alone it turns out! I had my Daddy this weekend, both nights(!), and it was amazing. Beyond amazing really. Friday evening was pretty close to perfection, with some of the most amazing sex, and "making love" that I have ever had. And I just also had a good time just being with him and in his arms. But Saturday... the night was fine. Things were a bit off- Daddy was super tired from work and in a bit of a weird mood- but certainly nothing major. But I felt really separate from him, and I just couldn't shake it. And as the evening got later and later, the feelings of darkness kept creeping in until we were in bed and I was engulfed.
I was in my Daddy's arms- the safest place in the entire world- and I started crying. He was asleep, and I desperately didn't want to wake him. Partially because I really want to be able to do this on my own- he wants me to be strong, and I want me to be strong for myself. But also because Daddy isn't really the comforting type in that way. And that's ok! Please don't get me wrong. If I expected my Daddy to be something other than who he is, it would be really hard. But I know the man I love, and nothing that happened surprised me. Unfortunately, I did wake him, and he snapped at me to get over it and stop crying. That I was being ridiculous, which I was. I mean, yes, comfort would have helped and been appreciated, but like I said, I know my Daddy, and I accept him for who he is.
But so I'm laying there in his arms, and this feeling of what can just best be described as darkness is consuming me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. He rolled over and we separated, and I couldn't calm myself down. The sad quickly turned to panic and fear (I don't like my Daddy being upset with me), and a full blown panic attack started. So I reluctantly took a xanax that was on the counter (I have been trying to not take any- Daddy doesn't like it, and I had become to dependent on it- but I recognize that this was an unusual circumstance) which calmed me enough to be able to eventually sleep, and to stop crying. But this feeling of nausea and depression took over- something I haven't felt in years. Just this abyss that if I lost my Daddy I would be completely alone. That I have burned so many bridges and lost so many friendships with my own lack of communication and failed to make meaningful new ones... that I would be utterly alone. Even the thoughts of my family couldn't calm that fear, or make the sick in my stomach go away.
But I woke up this morning feeling fine. Daddy and I made up, and I had a great day with my students. But here I am again tonight, feeling insecure and scared and alone and... dark and twisty. And it is making me feel so PISSED THE FUCK OFF!!!! I thought I was better! I wanted to be better! I feel like I've made so much progress, and I have been talking with Daddy and some other people about trying to go off my medicine, which I have been on for about 4 years. I initially went on for anxiety, and stayed on when I suffered my first bought with depression two years ago. But since feeling better lately, and am on what is a really low dose, I was hoping to go off, because there is a huge part of me that misses a lot of the anxious- it is part of who I am and part of what made me as successful as I was... and I want that part of me back...
But now with this set back... it seems like I'm not there. And I can't help feeling like I'm never going to be.
So yeah, does anyone else have a harder time at night? Has anyone been able to go off meds successfully? Can someone please just tell me that it gets better?