Thursday, September 13, 2012

Shadow Lane Part 2.2: Friday Night

Hey Team,
continuation of Part 2.1...

So I would say that the turning point for the weekend was after the vendor fair on Friday night. Sarah and I made it back to the room and were both pretty spent. I'd been up 17 hours at that point and really just wanted to crash. I didn't want to have to go party. But I made the decision that I would not out of obligation as I might have in the past, but rather out of genuine desire. I knew the party was only that weekend and I didn't want to miss out on my opportunity to get to have fun.

Mila came back in the room and we were all just exhausted and Sarah broke down. And to be honest, were it not for being able to focus on her, I would have been a mess- it would just hit you in waves. And Mila, being the sweetest person in the world that she is, took it upon herself to comfort us. I wish I could remember what she said, but it felt so honest and profound and true that my soul felt soothed. And then she busted out the ukulele and we were lost, lol. She sang to us and played her ukulele to cheer us up. :) And this is why I love my sisters. :) I then decided that fuck it, I was opening the bottle of wine I had purchased with Paul to celebrate that morning, and god damn it, I was getting wine glasses from that hotel no matter what it took! lol.
My Friday night outfit, as seen in a video with Pandora Blake

Sarah's Friday night outfit as seen in a Clicko photo shoot
Sarah got back into herself, and we all spent over an hour debating what to wear. I really would have rather just gone naked, but that's generally frowned upon in public places like hotels (even in Vegas) :). I ended up in my red satin and black lace teddy (there are no photos from this night for which I apologize dearly! But here is me in the same outfit in a sensual video I did with Pandora back at Texas) because it didn't require any thought, lol. Sarah's outfit was epically amazing, and I hope a photo exists somewhere (just called her- she is emailing one asap: UPDATE: how hot does she look in that?!?!? Want that outfit now!!! lol)! It was a green girdle and fucking smoking hot. :) All of our outfits were actually based on hers- we decided to just go in lingerie. :) Mila looked like a barbie in this white ensemble and her blonde hair and tan skin- we got some photos out our window the next morning :). Poor girl with all her crazy bruises. :(

Mila's Friday outfit and the view out our Vegas window
Anywho, so I started downing wine like it was vodka (yes you can pound wine as long as it's good wine- it makes me really sad to do, but occasionally other things are more pressing) once the wine glasses and Mila's friend Carter Cane finally arrived. We had taken so long and had been having so much fun getting ready and getting buzzed that we almost missed the naked flogging- and I swear Sarah was going to kill me if we missed it! lol. But I haven't had real girl time since like freshman and sophomore years of college, and this felt good and it felt right.

So we went upstairs to Joe (Dr. Lecter) and Ten's suite (they had some amazing parties and I really got to bond with them this party in a way I didn't get to at Texas- they are wonderful and I am so happy to be friends with them.) because they were having a gigantic group flogging at midnight, and Sarah and I could definitely use one. But of course by the time we got up there they had already started and there were 5 girls laying naked on the bed including Ten, and we were like, "Noooo we want in!"

Everyone laughed but a couple of the girls were ready to get up so we just decided to tag in. Sarah jumped in first followed by Mila. I was socializing a bit but then yelled at quickly and ordered to "strip and get on the damn bed Kelley!" lol. "Ok, ok, hold your horses! I need to get naked." So I excused myself from my conversation with Ralph and I think JP or John and put down my toy bag and thankful for my easy off outfit got naked in less than 5 seconds. Anyone who didn't know me well (which would be the majority of the room) was suddenly aware I'm not modest. lol.

So it's just the three of us on the bed and Erica walks in and sees that Finneous is flogging along with Joe and immediately wants in. I internally fan girl and self deprecatingly squeal at her to come get in next to me, and she smiled and laughed and obliged. So Erica is on one side of me, Mila on the other and Sarah on the other side of her. It was a really fun experience, and none of us cared enough about the photographer to pay attention to posing, so we all look kinda blah in the pic, but whatever. :) It was a fun experience. I yelled at someone to switch floggers at one point bc their fancy ones hurt too much and offered my bag of toys to aid. After about 20 minutes my fibro myalgia was screaming so I had to get up, but overall, it was a really fun experience and a great bonding moment with the girls. :)

After righting my clothing I went back to socializing and had a good time just getting to talk to people. I was buzzed enough to loosen up but sober enough to make smart choices. I normally am anti drinking at ALL at parties, but I love wine, I know my limits and it was that or xanax, and I was low on xanax, lol. ;) At this moment I also had the most amazing mini conversation with Gino Coletti of Shadow Lane fame. So Gino is a very handsome man who has been in some pretty famous videos, most likely best known for being in Samantha Woodley's debut, I Married a Brat. He is also pretty well known at parties for actually being a switch and often preferring to bottom. Now, some might say that I shouldn't share this story, but I think it's all in good fun, and we were both tipsy and having a great time. I think he is a sweet guy, and I loved getting to meet him.

But let's talk about first impressions! lol. So he and I started talking- I don't know how that happened- and I mentioned that he was actually in the very first spanking video I ever purchased (which is true). He asked which one ("I've been in like 14") and I replied The Spanking Bodyguard. He seemed rather shocked, which doesn't surprise me. It's one of the older ones of his and probably not the most popular- I haven't ever seen that girl in a different video (it was kinda all about him)- but it just struck a crazy chord with me. He laughed and smiled and called a few people over to hear me tell this again. :) And then said with all the ooze in the world, "Soo, how would you feel about spanking Gino Coletti?"

Now, I'm listed as a switch, and I don't mind topping guys by any means. It used to be a hard no, but I've gotten into it this past year. But I'm pretty certain my response was shocked laughter and then saying that, "I'm not sure. I think that might cause my understanding of spanking to implode." I mean, I can know that he's a switch in my brain, but like... no! He's a top! He's... he's... no! lol. :) Masculine, dominant, and... my childhood!... nope. I do not accept this reality.

We laughed and said we might have a switch session the next day. It was yet another play date that never did happen, but he was a nice guy, and another person to put on the "oh my god you won't believe who I met" list.

Too be fair, I don't actually remember how I ended up over Ralph Marvel's knee other than that I know John orchestrated it somehow. I must have been bratting someone... that's how it always starts! God... I wish I remembered this scene better, but I was so tired and so much happened, and he and I played a LOT that weekend. The first is memorable of course because it's the first. But our best sessions were definitely on Saturday and Monday (which I will of course tell you about later!).

I remember he stood me in front of him before he started and looked oh so deliciously stern. I remember  feeling so small and safe over his lap. He is 6ft4, and you can feel it when you're with him. It was like I fit there. And his hands- I had heard about these famous hands, but they have to be experienced! His hand covers my entire bottom cheek in one swat. "Little" me just went crazy for it. And everyone knows how much I love a good hand spanking- he delivers! They are like a paddle with intensity but with that glorious feeling of flesh on flesh that can't be replaced by anything. I think he is one of those few people who could deliver a real punishment just with his hand.

And then when he scooped me up after and let me sit on his lap...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... :) lol. I just burrowed into his neck and felt so safe and calm. Other people came in and we actually had like a half hour conversation with me just sitting there on his knee with my panties still down. It just felt comfortable and easy. :) 

So it was getting late at that point (around 1 or 1:30), and I had lost Mila (who I was worried about) and Sarah, and I wanted to go downstairs and check out the other parties. Plus the-man-who-must-not-be-named had promised to play with me if we found each other that night, and I was not about to let that slip by! So I convinced Ralph and John to escort me down to the other party- they were such gentlemen, actually the insisted on it despite my protests that I was fine by myself. And we were talking and John was teasing me like crazyyyy and we were actually talking about the the-man-who-must-not-be-named when we spotted him coming down the hall towards us out of the party room.

What transpired next was my favorite moment of the entire party.

So John chuckles and Ralph smirks and KJ smiles as he walks up and we meet him like half way. I am blushing so red I must have been the shade of my dress and trying to remember how to breath. I have just been spanked by Ralph Marvel who is towering over me to my left (I'm bare foot at this point so he's got about a foot on me). John is in front of me and he isn't no slouch either- a well built handsome man that is definitely the dominant type, and definitely in control of this situation. And up walks the-man-who-must-not-be-named to my right, and as always my ability to perform even the most basic of functions when near him stops. The hallway wall is behind me and these three dominant men are towering over me, all smiling like cats with the cream... (insert your own cream joke if you must!)

I will try to recreate this for you, but so much of it was all about eye contact that I won't be able to, but it went about like this.
KJ: "Hey guys"
John: "Hey there, we were just talking about you." Ralph is chuckling knowingly.
KJ: "Oh really?"
John: "Well we were just walking this one here [looking at me, causing the two others to turn and look at me as well] down to the other party. But you know she has kind of a crush on the two of you. [their smiles get bigger, my blush gets redder, and I think I squeaked in protest] and she just got through getting spanked by this one [gesturing to Ralph] and I think it's your turn."
Ralph and KJ chuckle and John smiled so big you think his face would split in two. He was enjoying me squirm wayyyyy too much! And they will look at me, but they address each other when they talk- like I'm not even there!
KJ: "Oh Reallyyyyy?"

Now they are all looking at me smiling with these grins just loving watching me squirm. And I (who love being embarrassed like this but almost never am) am just waiting for the world to open up and swallow me whole or for me to wake up in bed realizing it was all a dream. It was like a cartoon- their three sets of eyes with Ralph and KJ on my sides all making me feel just about 6 inches tall in the best way possible. Then KJ and John look back at each other as they continue to discuss me.

John: "Yep. I think you should take her with you maybe." Ralph laughs. You might have noticed, I still haven't spoken. I have gotten out a few mews and squeaks but that's about it.
KJ: "Well then. Young lady [finally actually addressing me even though they've been talking about me the whole time!], I think you should come with me." He grabs my upper arm firmly but not hard and starts walking me towards the elevator. My mouth opens and closes to speak but no words ever actually come out as I look at Ralph and John who are just laughing while I'm being carted off to my "doom." KJ started scolding me for being so naughty as we walked to the elevator and that damn voice.... god that voice.

So given that I am referring to him as the-man-who-must-not-be-named, you can probably guess that I can't tell you much about what happened. He asked for me not to, and I will respect his wishes, even though my desire is to shout from the rooftop every detail! He and Ralph were pretty much the focus of my weekend though along with Mila and Sarah so he will be mentioned more, and our sessions will be referred to (we played Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night), but I can't give you details. :(

I will just tell you what I told him. "You could have sucked you know? I mean you're you! You could have been painfully average or even not very good and this still would have been one of the most memorable and amazing experiences of my life. I mean I've had a crush on you since I was 13! You could have sucked! But you didn't! You don't! That was amazing! Like top 5 ever!"

In truth, I was understating. It was the best spanking I have ever received. Certainly the best "session" type I had ever done. And those three all make top 5. :)

Mila had texted me right when I went into his room asking where I was- I had been searching everywhere for her. I texted my reply and she told me later, "I knew I wouldn't be seeing you for a while, and that you were fine." I got back to the room about 3:30 or 4, and Sarah and Mila had waited up for me, in the bed eager for details. I was in the craziest subspace ever, and just couldn't stop smiling. I might have squealed a little. They laughed and smiled. I don't know who teased me more about it over the weekend- John or Mila. But I see Mila all the time still and she still teases me! Lol. Just says his name to watch me blush. :)

So yeah, we curled in bed together- supporting each other. Longest day ever. Worst and best. And I went to bed thinking, I can do this. :)

Princess Kelley

tbc in part 3 asap!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Shadow Lane Part 2.1: Friday Evening

Hey Team,

So Friday was one of the longest days of my life for a variety of reasons. It was literally one of the longest that didn't involve term papers or intercontinental travel as it started at 4:30 AM and ended at 4:00 AM the next morning. Also one of the longest emotionally given what happened with Daddy. And one of the longest given everything that happened after. (I outlined this post last night so I would remember what I wanted to say and it has a whopping ten parts!)

So as I said, it started very early, and my dad picked me up to take me to the airport (Paul left two days prior so he and Sarah could spend some time together), and then with the time change, it was only about 8:30 in the morning when I arrived. Daddy picked me up from the airport and we ran a couple of errands and then arrived back at the hotel. And that's when it happened. 

So Daddy had to leave the party, and I had to wake Sarah up and explain the situation to her as best I could with my limited understanding. My plans for any sort of nap obviously thwarted we spent the rest of the morning crying, consoling each other, and trying to do anything we could to protect ourselves, our family, and just... just do what we could. I was planning on leaving- just booking a flight and going home. But it would have been more expensive, and Sarah needed me, and I knew that Daddy would want me to stay at the party. Me going to Shadow Lane was so important to him. Part of me thinks he took the risk he did so that I would go- he knew how long I had been dreaming of it...

Anywho, so I helped get my baby sister Mila Kohl moved into our room after her shoot with Shadow Lane (one of the best moments was us on the phone during her shoot Mila: "Uh, I'm shooting with uh... Shadow Lane." Me: "Ohmygod! Who is the top?" Mila: "Uhmm... some guy named Ralph.... Marvel?" Me: "OHMYGOD YOU ARE LIVING MY DREAM AND YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND!!!" she laughed :)), and she convinced me to go the newbie party with her. And I am so glad that she did. It was the perfect way to start the weekend. Just the few experienced people hosting, and a bunch of people who were at their first SL just like me. I got to see plenty of old friends from Texas and beyond... I have never been so happy to see friends- the hugs and supportive words I got from Joey (whooperine on fet) and Bob the DJ gave me that extra boost of strength I was so needing at that moment. Also got to see Zoey (-lostkitten) who I roomed with in Texas and love dearly, as well as some amazing friends from Dallas including the Miss Jackie Daniels, JP, and some others who I don't think would like to be mentioned by name on my blog :)

I also had the immense pleasure of meeting some new people (well new to me) most of whose names I do not remember because I just suck at names and I am sorry in advance! I got to meet a ridiculously hot new couple who I was supposed to play with but we were never able to work it out (you know who you are and if you see this tell me what I can call you on here! lol), which was a bit of a theme of mine during the party. Other than the big group scenes, I actually only played with two people the whole weekend. 

But one of the sweetest people I met this party was Jersey John. I think he was one of the people hosting the newbie party given that he definitely wasn't new. He has been coming to SL parties literally since I was a toddler. And he was friendly and funny, and he overheard me having a conversation with the other host of the party. I was saying how I was really nervous and scared now without my Daddy, given that I'd never been to even a small local party without him before, and now here I was at the biggest party and feeling just incredibly alone. Daddy tells me who is safe, he introduces people... suddenly, I was all alone having to be strong. So John piped in when he heard me say that I was also sad because there were so many people that I wanted to play with, but that Daddy always sets up my play with others that don't ask me to play. I will brat people I know, but famous tops... yeah.. he brokers those. And he promised that he would set me up to play with Ralph Marvel and the man who shall not be named by his request but who you all should know given my level of obsession with him and whose initials are KJ (he shall be referred to in these posts as KJ or the-man-who-shall-not-be-named) because Daddy knew them and wanted me to get to play.

So John the with the biggest most knowing smirk ever just looks at me and says, "So you want to play with Ralph and KJ huh?" "*blush* Yeah I really do. I have kinda been in love with them since I was 13." His grin gets even bigger. "Well you know, he is my roommate. We've been best friends for like 20 years. And KJ and I are really good friends too. I could definitely hook that up for you... if you wanted." And he had this shit eating grin on his face that wouldn't quit as I'm openly gaping at him, trying not to die. I played it cool though, laughing, commenting that being Ralph's wingman was probably the best way to get chicks ever. :) Unfortunately for me, John had seen my blush, and heard me gushing about them and he decided that if he was going to make my weekend by hooking that up for me (which he did) then he was also going to do his damnedest to embarrass me beyond belief! He would succeed in both goals. 

The moral of Friday in general though, from that first little munch, to the whole evening was that this scene, despite all the bullshit and drama... the people that are your friends are really there for you. People you wouldn't even expect. I would never have been able to get through this without so much help. Friends kept coming up to me and Sarah just to let us know that they not only were "there for us" as everyone said, but that they would protect us, and look out for us, and to let us know if we were scared or had problems with people at the party. I never did, but I was scared, and knowing that there were dozens of men and women ready to step up and go to bat for me... it makes me feel so ashamed that I ever thought about leaving this community.
Anywho, so Sarah and I got ready for the Vendor's Fair, my one time that I had to be in character all weekend. We were both still really struggling, and I would say that this was emotionally the most difficult part of the weekend for me. Still scared and confused and still not sure if I could stand on my own two feet yet... But we had to do it. Sometimes shit happens, but women still have to put on a happy face and make it work. And Sarah and I had each other. I will be discussing that more as this continues as well, but it was a big theme- us truly becoming sisters over the weekend. I feel so close to her now and love her deeply- we can get through anything together, and I believe we will stick together no matter what. 

So we go down to the ballroom together with all of our gear and start to get set up. I get introduced to Tony Elka which was amazing, and he-who-shall-not-be-named was also there already and came up to me. He had heard through the grapevine last year about my tiny obsession with him and had sent me an email, so we had corresponded a bit before. He gave me a hug and said hi... I tried really hard to remember how to speak (another common theme of the weekend) and then saved my pride by claiming I had to go run and set up, but that we would talk later. :)

The vendor's fair was fun, and a typical vendor's fair, though I was better about not spending all of my money at this one! I hadn't eaten all day (another theme of the weekend) but with the help of Mila (in her adorable blue tutu to match mine), Zoey, Sarah, Finneus, Joey and some other friends- I'm not sure all the scene names, sorry!- I was able to get a bite or two to eat and not pass out during (food was awesome btw!). I got to have my table next to Miss Rose of Compass Rose Paddles which was a huge highlight. I absolutely adore her and respect her (and really want to play with her next party please! lol) as well as her craft, and she gave me lots of supportive and strength building looks throughout, reminding me that I could do it- that it's "showtime" and to keep my face on. But the lulls were hard. Time not occupied when my mind could wander... I could see Sarah struggling too.

But there definitely were some amazing high points as well. Namely meeting all of my spanking industry idols. Starting with THE Erica Scott! She came over to me and I saw her when she got like 20 feet away and I might have screamed a little when she smiled and waved at me. Readers of my blog will remember when she made her first appearance in the comments on here and I had my fangirl freak out- so we were online acquaintances- but meeting her in person was just amazing! She is SO sweet and indulged my fangirling over her, and only freaked out a little when I accidentally made a huge faux paux by saying that meeting her was so amazing because her videos were "my childhood!" lol! :-D Just the nicest, funniest woman ever- such an honor, and still such a huge fan. She will be mentioned more during these posts as well.

I also got a picture with he-who-shall-not-be-named, but it's not to be shared (he doesn't do blogs). Someone I didn't get a photo with but am now totally pissed I didn't (next party!) was the amazing Lance del Toro! He came over to my table at one point during the night, just to like check out what I was selling and started to introduce himself. Now, I got really tired of people forgetting to introduce themselves over the weekend, so I was glad he had the manners to, but I mean really. He's Lance del Toro! I said, "Um, I know who you are," while once again, trying not to sound like too much of a fool. He seemed genuinely shocked by this fact, which I just found beyond endearing. He actually came back over later and we talked for like a good 20 minutes. He wanted to know how it was that I knew who he was (I explained that I was a Shadow Lane groupie, and that actually one of his videos was the first hard copy porn I ever received- it was a gift from Edward- and that I'd seen his Firm Hand videos as well, and that, well, he's Samantha Woodley's ex... and while I know that she is crazy in real life, she was still my role model growing up, so I definitely knew who he was). We talked about life and spanking, and I just really enjoyed his company- a truly genuine and kind person, who I was supposed to play with but didn't get a chance to!!! He thwarted me of my SL trifecta lol. :) (Lance, we will play at next party! It's happening!Count on it! :))

Also on the list of celebrities that I gushed over meeting was Jersey John's aforementioned roommate, Ralph Marvel. (I promise I am not trying to collect Samantha's ex's btw, lol, we just seem to have similar tastes, lol). Now you will hear lots more about Ralph as these posts continue, and to be honest in the future if our friendship/relationship continues to head in the really wonderful direction that it's heading. And for those of you who know me well also know that my "type" consists of one thing: tall. His handle on Fet is tallandstrict. And the photo kinda speaks for itself on that front. :)

Towards the end of the fair, I also had the pleasure of meeting Eve Howard for the first time. She's a bit odd, but most of the best people are, and she seemed also genuinely surprised when I told her of how much the party meant to me, and how much her videos had shaped who I am today... it was great to get to say thank you in person.

But the craziest part of the entire weekend happened about half way through the vendor's fair when out of the corner of my eye, who do I spy walking towards me but my Edward. No joke. Seriously. Edward. As in first spanker/boyfriend/Daddy ever Edward. As in the man responsible for the famous photo, Edward. The man who would never be caught dead at a party, Edward!

I might have dive tackled him in the middle of the ballroom to run and give him a hug. :)

And he is just the same as always- it's like nothing had changed. At least nothing about him had changed. The girl he was with was just the nicest thing ever (not sure if I can post your name- let me know, I know you read this!) and had convinced him that he had to go to Shadow Lane since I was going to be there. Of course he couldn't bother to give me a head's up, lol. But at first I thought, this is perfect. My Daddy can't be here, but I have Edward to protect me.

And it was so nice to talk to him, and show off my table to him. I was like "look look look! Your hands are in some of these photos! And you took these! This photo made me famous!" He had no idea I was doing videos, but he knew I had graduated and things like that. It was nice to catch up. But it also made it really hard for me because Paul really really wanted to meet Edward. He has wanted to meet him for over a year now, and had wanted to get him to come to Texas actually. And it was this constant reminder that my Daddy wasn't there. I kept wanting to share Paul with Edward and vice versa... and being with him kept pulling me back into the reality of the situation. That the man that I love now wasn't there...

I am still so glad Edward was there, and we hung out more over the weekend (though parties still are not his thing- he watched golf and played slots most of the time, lol), I was actually glad that it didn't feel right to lean on him anymore. I am a bit ashamed that my first instinct was to just fall apart and let him put me back together. Friends lend support and strength and help hold you up, but you still have to be standing. I didn't want to have to be standing. I wanted to collapse and fall apart and be told it would all be ok. But when I was with him, I realized, I'm not 19 anymore. I know I always say that, but with him I really was 18/19, and when we were together he was what I needed. We were wonderful together, and I am convinced that there is no better man to have be your first top. He is so consistent and moderate and steady- things I never was.  As I grew up, we grew apart, but he will always be my first....

But yeah, that moment I realized that he wasn't who I wanted right then (I wanted Paul of course), and that I wasn't the girl I was when I was with him... that I couldn't fall apart in his arms anymore... it made the vendor's fair hard as fuck. But I think it made the weekend better, and it made me stronger. I realized that growing up and not being 19 anymore isn't entirely a bad thing. That with age I have gained knowledge and strength- something I forgot I had. I started finding it about 6 months ago, but it came crashing back in the last two weeks. A long time ago I forgot how to stand on my own. I forgot I could stand on my own. Even when I was single I had my nana and papa... I haven't had to be alone in 4 years...And yeah, I wouldn't have been able to without the support of friends and strangers... the community around me... my sisters...but I did it.

I have stunned myself with my strength, and there is nothing in the world that I would rather surprise myself with. This is the part of me that I lost and wanted back. To remember how to stand in someone's arms without falling to their feet....

Ok... there are technically 5 more parts to this day (did I mention it was long?) but it's an hour past bedtime already, and this is long enough. So Part 2.2 will come tomorrow and hopefully at least part of part 3.

Princess Kelley

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Shadow Lane Part 1: Pre-Party

Hey Team,

Sooo..... this series of posts is going to be incredibly meaningful to anyone who knows me well or has been a reader of this blog for a long time (at least I think it will be), as this was the culmination of a lot of my longest held spanking fantasies. For those of you who are here looking for more information regarding the situation with my Daddy, you will be sorely disappointed. This is not the platform for that, and I plan on simply discussing the party without talking too much about what happened other than to acknowledge the heightened context of everything that happened. Lastly, the consequences of this past weekend should be extremely meaningful to anyone who likes me being in the scene or still enjoys my blog. Let me explain:

A week and a half ago, I was about to shut down my blog, stop video production, and leave the scene entirely. I had been wrestling with my feelings for a long time, and was talking with my therapist about it. I felt like when I came back from Europe I stopped, looked at my life, and thought, "how the hell did I get here?" I spent two years trying to figure out how to merge my lives and had failed, and I felt that my vanilla life was getting the shaft most of the time, and I missed that part of me. I thought, "this has been a fun experiment, but I am ready to go back to reality now." The blog was the last thing I was ready to give up, and was the hardest decision to come to terms with, but it was really going to happen. I thought, "hey, the blog hasn't been the same in two years, and it's felt like a struggle for a long time. No one even reads it anymore." The tagline of the blog has always been "a young college students search for firm loving discipline and the musings and stories of her experiences." It was one of the first things I came up with after the title of the blog.

But that's not who I am anymore. Right now I feel more like "a confused twenty-something year old searching for meaning and belonging in the kinky world and beyond." So I went through lots of possibilities of how to move on, and one of them I still might do- a reload. Leave this blog the way it is, but start fresh with a 2.0 as well. So I can stop feeling like I'm killing this blog and stop feeling like I have to fit in it, but also allow myself the opportunity to still continue blogging if I want to.... this still might happen. (My favorite suggestion btw came from my nutritionist who thought I should do like in the Princess Bride and find another girl to take over being "Princess Kelley" so that would live on forever, but I could go back to just being me). I even started writing my goodbye post.

But I said to myself, "Shadow Lane is this weekend. Just give it one more shot, and see how you feel afterwards." And *spoiler alert* I am sure as hell not about to leave the scene now. I am not sure what the future holds yet for me or for this blog or my life in the scene, but I know that running away (which I now admit was what I was wanting to do) isn't going to solve anything.

Shadow Lane, as I am sure all of you know, was basically the first spanking video production company. It is also the bread and butter of the spanking porn that I grew up with. I have been dreaming of going to a Shadow Lane party since I was 13, and would have gone sooner if the whole "back to school" theme didn't mean that the timing always conflicted with school! lol. I firmly believe that Eve Howard's stories in the videos had an instrumental part in shaping who I am as a spanko today. This would also be just my second big party. And while I loved Texas, I was running it, so I didn't actually get to enjoy being at the party.

So about two weeks ago, I made the decision and talked to Daddy about the fact that I didn't want to go to this party as Princess Kelley. I just wanted to be Kelley- just wanted to be me. I have been feeling burnt out and not even loving spanking at all anymore for a while, and I just wanted to stop feeling jaded. To feel like I was 18 again- fresh faced and eager, open and curious, nervous and excited for the new experience. I decided that other than vending the first night I wasn't going to do anything else business related. I didn't even finish my dvd's to sell. I was just there to promote Omega Tau Kappa which is something I am still interested in and proud of but doesn't feel so.... the only way I can think to explain it is that the other day Daddy and I had one of our most intense "sessions" ever. We normally don't play like that but we did the night before he left and he caned me really hard and left gorgeous lines. He took pictures... and I didn't want to share them. I thought, "I don't know if I want to be naked on the internet anymore," and that was the first time I'd ever thought that. I usually love sharing my personal moments...

Anywho, that was last week. This is now, lol. :) So basically, going to Shadow Lane, going to vend but after that just be Kelley. Be giddy and nervous to meet all of the people I've been fans of for so long and try to renew my love of spanking. I was going to be there for me. No hosting obligations. I decided I was going to be selfish and only play with the people I really wanted to play with, and not feel bad about saying no so I didn't burn out.
Obviously, given what happened with Daddy, the weekend was worse than I could have dreamed. But in every other way, the weekend was better than I had literally ever dreamed it would be, and my mission was accomplished. And with this renewed energy and love for spanking, I can't wait to tell you about the party...

TBC asap (I am supposed to be in bed, and am going to be in biggg trouble, so I have to cut it short for now- will continue tomorrow with tales of Friday)

Princess Kelley