A week and a half ago, I was about to shut down my blog, stop video production, and leave the scene entirely. I had been wrestling with my feelings for a long time, and was talking with my therapist about it. I felt like when I came back from Europe I stopped, looked at my life, and thought, "how the hell did I get here?" I spent two years trying to figure out how to merge my lives and had failed, and I felt that my vanilla life was getting the shaft most of the time, and I missed that part of me. I thought, "this has been a fun experiment, but I am ready to go back to reality now." The blog was the last thing I was ready to give up, and was the hardest decision to come to terms with, but it was really going to happen. I thought, "hey, the blog hasn't been the same in two years, and it's felt like a struggle for a long time. No one even reads it anymore." The tagline of the blog has always been "a young college students search for firm loving discipline and the musings and stories of her experiences." It was one of the first things I came up with after the title of the blog.
But that's not who I am anymore. Right now I feel more like "a confused twenty-something year old searching for meaning and belonging in the kinky world and beyond." So I went through lots of possibilities of how to move on, and one of them I still might do- a reload. Leave this blog the way it is, but start fresh with a 2.0 as well. So I can stop feeling like I'm killing this blog and stop feeling like I have to fit in it, but also allow myself the opportunity to still continue blogging if I want to.... this still might happen. (My favorite suggestion btw came from my nutritionist who thought I should do like in the Princess Bride and find another girl to take over being "Princess Kelley" so that would live on forever, but I could go back to just being me). I even started writing my goodbye post.
But I said to myself, "Shadow Lane is this weekend. Just give it one more shot, and see how you feel afterwards." And *spoiler alert* I am sure as hell not about to leave the scene now. I am not sure what the future holds yet for me or for this blog or my life in the scene, but I know that running away (which I now admit was what I was wanting to do) isn't going to solve anything.
Shadow Lane, as I am sure all of you know, was basically the first spanking video production company. It is also the bread and butter of the spanking porn that I grew up with. I have been dreaming of going to a Shadow Lane party since I was 13, and would have gone sooner if the whole "back to school" theme didn't mean that the timing always conflicted with school! lol. I firmly believe that Eve Howard's stories in the videos had an instrumental part in shaping who I am as a spanko today. This would also be just my second big party. And while I loved Texas, I was running it, so I didn't actually get to enjoy being at the party.
So about two weeks ago, I made the decision and talked to Daddy about the fact that I didn't want to go to this party as Princess Kelley. I just wanted to be Kelley- just wanted to be me. I have been feeling burnt out and not even loving spanking at all anymore for a while, and I just wanted to stop feeling jaded. To feel like I was 18 again- fresh faced and eager, open and curious, nervous and excited for the new experience. I decided that other than vending the first night I wasn't going to do anything else business related. I didn't even finish my dvd's to sell. I was just there to promote Omega Tau Kappa which is something I am still interested in and proud of but doesn't feel so.... the only way I can think to explain it is that the other day Daddy and I had one of our most intense "sessions" ever. We normally don't play like that but we did the night before he left and he caned me really hard and left gorgeous lines. He took pictures... and I didn't want to share them. I thought, "I don't know if I want to be naked on the internet anymore," and that was the first time I'd ever thought that. I usually love sharing my personal moments...
Anywho, that was last week. This is now, lol. :) So basically, going to Shadow Lane, going to vend but after that just be Kelley. Be giddy and nervous to meet all of the people I've been fans of for so long and try to renew my love of spanking. I was going to be there for me. No hosting obligations. I decided I was going to be selfish and only play with the people I really wanted to play with, and not feel bad about saying no so I didn't burn out.
Obviously, given what happened with Daddy, the weekend was worse than I could have dreamed. But in every other way, the weekend was better than I had literally ever dreamed it would be, and my mission was accomplished. And with this renewed energy and love for spanking, I can't wait to tell you about the party...
TBC asap (I am supposed to be in bed, and am going to be in biggg trouble, so I have to cut it short for now- will continue tomorrow with tales of Friday)