Friday, December 20, 2013
6 months in under 20 minutes? Not too shabby if I do say so myself. :) I actually like this one, so if you've at all been wondering where I've been, what I'm up to, how I'm doing... this video will answer it all. And hopefully make you smile a little.
And if people say nice things maybe I'd be more likely to post more of them more often? *hint hint hint* ;)
(update: video fixed! lol)
Friday, November 22, 2013
Just a quick little message because I'm not sure if I ever posted it here. I started a tumblr awhile back for some of my pictures. I don't always do the best job of updating it, but for those of you that aren't on FetLife (where I am most of the time when I'm not on Twitter) and thus don't see all my picture updates (do y'all want me to go back to posting pictures here as well?), feel free to head on over to the Tumblr, and enjoy. :)
Saturday, November 16, 2013
So I was so encouraged by all the kind messages/comments on my last post, and everyone saying how much that they missed my blog, that I decided to make sure when I had this idea yesterday that I would post it! :)
I suppose I should preface this by saying that I have a Daddy in my life. Person that has been my friend for almost 3 years, and on and off play partner in private (outside of parties) for a year. Then it very slowly evolved to be more. He became my disciplinarian rather suddenly back in August, and then my top, and now my Daddy, and I'm very happy with him and the dynamic. He asked me to keep it private for a long time, which was part of why I didn't write about it. Also it just got kinda complicated, lol. I didn't want a Daddy, but this happened so organically and in such a normal, healthy way, that I couldn't really say no.
So anywho, Daddy has been staying with me at my apartment this past week (which has been wonderful despite our completely opposite schedules), and I've had the absolute joy of returning home from work late at night to find him sitting on my couch, razor strop draped over the arm and carved ginger on the table, waiting for me. (I promise I will tell that story! Let me just mention though that apparently I had never felt an actual razor strop before [only things styled like them]. Damn. Lol. Also, ginger...so many feels). I won't be telling Daddy that he's "not in charge" or "not the boss of me" again anytime soon.
I've also been reminded recently of how much spankings hurt in the winter! Over tights already hurts, but on a super cold bottom, I was howling from a quick attitude adjustment with Daddy's hand the other night.
I love all that domestic loveliness. Makes me feel wonderfully cared for and loved. No happiness quite like that from a well spanked bottom.
So anywho, Daddy isn't staying here this weekend, but needed to come here after work to pack a suitcase. Fridays are my Saturdays, and it was a lovely day yesterday, so I went out during the day, but would also be home when he got home (which I'm not normally). For Halloween, I had bought a dress from American Apparel that I didn't end up wearing, but could return for store credit, so I decided to finally run that errand.
In case anyone isn't aware, American Apparel is a legit company that sells real people clothes all over the world, but that's website is essentially porn, and that is now my go-to place for fetish wear! I remembered thinking that when I went the first time, and instead of just exchanging the dress I got for the wetlook/leather version, I decided to actually try some things on...
Now, Daddy has no say over my finances (I own my own business for goodness sake, I don't need a keeper for that), however, the moment they rang up my total with the exchange included at $273, I knew that Daddy was going to have something to say, lol. Especially since I didn't even mention that I was shopping, and was instead supposed to be outside enjoying the day (or writing an application essay...).
But things were so pretty! And I did buy a real shirt to wear to work... and I totally needed new fetish wear... right? Right??? *bats eyelashes*
Yeah, Daddy didn't buy it either. *pout*
PS. Oh! Worst part! I didn't buy those leather pants then, because I was deciding between them and a leather dress, and they were so tight and I just wasn't sure... and now I want them so badly, and daddy isn't about to let me anywhere near that store! STOMP!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Wow. I don't think in 5 years of doing this that I've ever been gone this long! I can only think of one other time I didn't post during an entire month! Apologies!
I actually have tons I'm wanting to post about (things have been forming in my head since the middle of the summer), but life is hectic (in a good way), and this is the first thing to get neglected. I promise a post updating about my life soon (vlog/picture post most likely), and hopefully some of those actually thoughtful, interesting posts soon after that.
Thanks to indelible Bonnie, for the email last night telling me that today was LoL day! It was the slight kick in the pants I needed to post something and get the ball rolling.
I've always loved LoL day! As many of you may know, I spent a great portion of my life as a lurker, and still lurk on occasion. It's hard for me to remember, even now, that I'm allowed to say things, and that feedback means a lot (generally to the writers of the amazing fan fiction that I read, lol); part of me still thinks that I'm that young girl trying not to get caught on the internet!
But if you're here, and you're not trying to hide being on the internet from someone (*wink*), feel free and encouraged to say hi! I'm not around as much as I once was, but I still love to know that people are here. I love all my readers- those who have been here from the beginning, and those who just showed up! So say hi if you'd like. Maybe I'll do something special for people posting... hm... I made need to brainstorm that one...
So for now, I'll leave all you lurkers and voyeurs with a couple pics that feel very voyeur to me. :)
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Sorry for the delay in Shadow Lane posts! I can't believe I've already been home a week! I was rather vampire like last week and the days seemed to just disappear. But I am excited to share the details of my wonderful adventure in Vegas with y'all. It's a rather long saga, as mine always are, so let's start at the beginning.
(Wait, Kelley's typing a post??? Really?? Yes. Really. lol)
(haha, so started this three days ago, then got busy, so trying again... I really am going to forget everything if I don't do this now..)
So, Thursday is, at this point, the day that I remember the least well, and that I know for a fact was also the most emotionally fraught.
Overall, I feel that I did really well at this party. I was nervous going in, as it was my first time going to a big party by myself. Sure, I went to TASSP by myself. But really, I was in the party suite, and running the whole thing. I had essentially over 150 roommates!
Part of my worry was that so much of what I remember of last year's Shadow Lane (outside the epic drama that was Paul's arrest) was the time I spent in my room with my roommates (and playing with Ralph and Keith of course, lol). So I was concerned about how I was going to manage my time, and how I would handle my social anxieties.
As I said, I feel I did really well overall. I had an amazing time. Not the most memorable or amazing party for me, but TASSP was so epic this year, and Shadow was so epic last year (as was 50 Freaks), that it would have been hard for this to live up to the hopes and dreams.
I did, however, get a staggering amount of casual play.
So another reason Thursday is so hazy (besides being two weeks ago), is that I was really fucking tired. I stayed up packing until way late the night before (40 pairs of panties and two tutu's made it in before any actual clothing), and had what was an early flight for me. So after a long, but decent flight on Southwest later, and I arrived in Vegas Thursday around 1.
After getting my bags, I met up with FLAPaddler (Johnny) in the airport. We had been talking quite a lot over the summer since TASSP, and I was so excited to see him. Probably more excited than I was about seeing almost anyone. He happened to be arriving at the same time, and was waiting for Sarah to come get him, while I waited for the shuttle. Was a nice way to start off my weekend.
A couple hours later I found the shuttle that just so happened to contain Richard Windsor, Prux, and cutieOTK, as well as a nice gentleman from Canada! Richard and I know each other by reputation and from casually meeting at other parties, but haven't actually gotten to spend much time together. It was great to see a familiar face at this stage in the journey, and was lovely to chat a bit with him. Prux and Cutie I had never met, but had heard plenty about. They were adorably decked out for their first Shadow Lanes, and I was so happy to meet them! They are both a delight! Super sweet people.
|Stephanie Locke in our room,|
Shadow Lane 2012
So, got to the hotel. Hadn't eaten all day. Was going to pass out from exhaustion and hunger and yet wanted to see people immediately. But I decided to be a good girl and actually unpacked my entire suitcase! (memories of the Stephanie Locke coming into our room last year and accidentally getting a pair of my panties that were lying on the floor stuck to her foot will never leave me, lol). After not being able to find anyone to eat with, I made myself go downstairs and eat a quick lunch/dinner, before heading back upstairs.
I ended up catching Sarah, CTphotographer and Johnny as they were headed up to their room, and went to chill with them for a bit. It was so good to see Sarah. I have missed her, and seeing her at Shadow Lane was really important to me. Last year's SL was where we really bonded and became sisters, and so spending time with her was comforting and nice. She and Johnny were headed out to Cirque, but Johnny gave me a few swats with a new strap that he'd been messing around with (teasing me was I think how I put it). Nice way to start things off.
After that I believe I went ahead and went up to Joe and Ten's suite to start partying. Thus, amazingness began.
|With Alex Reynolds at the|
Vendor Fair on Friday
The first play I got of the party actually was from someone I hadn't met before, Kor-E. I really didn't intend to do much play outside of people I knew already. I had a list, it was long, and I was going to check it off. But Kor-E is, shall we say, rather yummy. :) Lol. And he gave a really great hug! And he asked. So I said yes. :) Got a really nice warm-up and then some great strokes with his leather belt while laying over chairs in the main room. I was pleased.
More hanging out. More happy. Joey arrived- he's still one of my favorite people ever. I also got introduced to a bunch of new people including getting re-introduced to Korey and James Johnson, who were co-hosting with Joe and Ten, and whom I had met briefly at last year's TASSP. I ended up spending pretty much my entire weekend with them, so there's lots more on that to come...
Then Oak finally made it upstairs. It was one of the funniest things I had seen actually. Suddenly there was squealing, and girls were disappearing into the entry hall, where he had to go through a line of hugs to make it inside, lol. Oak was also someone I had talked with some since TASSP and was very excited to see. He was beyond sweet to me at both parties... and there is more to say there.
He actually made me finally feel safe when he got there. Gave me the biggest hug and a kiss on the cheek, and just seemed to know that I was all frazzled. Anywho, so we all get swept down to dinner somehow (even though I've already eaten) to go to TGIF's downstairs. Our obnoxiously large group made it into the back room, where we proceeded, I'm sure, to be horrible guests, lol. But it was a great time. As always, some of the best parts of these parties are the times when you're just hanging out and talking... Got to know James and Korey better, as well as talk to Oak, Joey and Alex... it was a great time. Table brimming with too many people to name, all of whom were lovely.
Went back upstairs, and was pretty immediately spanked by Oak, lol. Which, needless to say, was wonderful. I actually ended up feeling really guilty about monopolizing him throughout the party, and tried as the weekend progressed to stay away from him as best I could. I pretty much failed, but I am certain that Oak is one of those people that would never say he was annoyed or bored, and I felt like I had a good connection with him at TASSP, and didn't want to wear out my welcome. Pretty sure I did anyway, but ...
So we had a great scene. Just a simple spanking- nothing too fancy.
Party keeps going, people keep arriving. Jersey John arrived. John makes me laugh so hard. He is Ralph's best friend, and Ralph and I have, of course, become incredibly close over the past year. And John is the one who originally introduced me to him at last year's SL. And he will NEVER let me live that down! lol. He will tell the story of me gushing over meeting Ralph and Keith to anyone who listens!
And John had not previously spanked me. Last year, I actually got kinda upset that he never spanked me, and I remember talking to Ralph about it after. I asked "does John not like me? I was bratting at him all weekend and he never once spanked me??" His reply was something along the lines of "no, he really likes you. I think he was just trying not to cock block." :D
So after laughing about that and how John feels guilty sometimes for perving my pictures on FetLife since I'm so young, and him giving me stupidly effusive compliments, he finally spanked me. :) He as amazing, big, hard hands, and it was a fun playful little scene that I was very happy about.
|My left ear. :) For Joe.|
It's a Thursday, so pretty basic spankings all the way around. No body wants to get played out.
So Thursday is the midnight flogging event, and it's getting pretty close to midnight. I was actually really distracted at this point, because my sciatica started acting up earlier that evening (probably from sitting on the plane for so long), and I was in so much pain I was about to cry. And the hosts had decided that to accommodate more people, we would do the flogging event bent over couches in the living room. Which was really smart. Except I couldn't bend over.
But regardless, I wanted to start. Got tired of waiting a few minutes before midnight, and just decided to strip, much to everyone's amusement. What? I'm impatient. I was joined by many many others, and we all started getting flogged.
Unfortunately, the pain became overwhelming for me, and I had to step out. I became very upset then because I don't like missing out on things, and I was so angry at my body for not doing what I wanted it to do. I was tired, in pain, and missing out. Not a really good combination. Apparently I must not have been doing a very good job masking my emotions because multiple guys came over to me asking if someone had hurt me. So sweet. Unfortunately though, no, my body had just hurt itself.
After the flogging ended, I don't remember all that much. I have written down on my list that Oak spanked me again, which I do remember. He could tell I was upset, and wanted to help I think. Like I said, too sweet for his own good, and I monopolized him.
So then, this is where things got a bit messier. I decided that I was really tired, and that at about 1:45, I was going to call it an early night. I set up for a bedtime scene/spanking with someone close to me, said my goodnights, and headed to my room. Got ready for bed. And waited. And waited. And waited.
They never showed.
I was pretty devastated. In a ton of pain, and emotionally frayed. Strung out from the party and emotion of it all. Was feeling very alone in my bed.
So I decided instead to head back upstairs. To just push past the deliriously tired, because I was not about to be crying/upset in my room by myself when there was a party going on full of people that I loved right upstairs.
I was in a total fog when I got up there. Just almost catatonic. James actually asked me to play, and I went with him, wanting to, but called it off when he started negotiations and I realized I lacked the cognitive function to negotiate with someone for the first time.
Wandered in and out of rooms, talking. Then wandered into a room with Kor-E, Cutie, Oak, and I believe this great girl I met during the party named Joey (not to be confused with the great guy Joey I know and love). They asked what I was doing back upstairs, I explained. They sympathized, and hugged. Cutie, however, was the most amazing thing ever! She just wasn't having any of it. lol. She was horrified, and determined that I should get my bedtime spankings. She then recruited Oak, saying "he gives great bedtime spankings!" "I know" I replied smiling, remembering fondly the one he gave me at TASSP, but kinda also feeling like, oh don't put him on the spot like that! I have already taken so much of his time.
He, or course, being the doll that he is, took my hand and led me down to my room, where he gave me the perfect bedtime spanking. I slept well. Peaceful and content. Happy to be in Vegas. Determined to not let the small negatives overwhelm the huge positives....
Friday to come next (I might do it in a vlog, bc omg this is long and took forever, lol). Don't worry, I have more pics from the other days- though not as many as I would like in general. :(
Monday, September 2, 2013
So I am currently on my flight home from Shadow Lane, aggravated because I can’t leave my seat to get my laptop, so I’m typing this on my kindle, so tired the idea of feeling exhausted sounds like a pleasant improvement, and beyond sore! Sitting would not have been on my short list of chosen activities for today certainly.
I’m going to do a blow by blow for each day of the party ASAP, but now doesn’t seem like the best time. So I will give you a summary with high points at for the moment instead.
Upon last count, I received 42 separate spankings this weekend. Probably around a dozen of those were what I would consider to be “full scenes.” I cried actual tears (or more accurately, bawled my eyes out), during a scene for only the second time ever, and for the first time in a scene that wasn’t discipline.
I made new friends! (One couple in particular, who are kinda my new favorite people ever) I rekindled and strengthened a bunch of amazing old friendships.
I played with Keith again. ;)
I danced like a crazy person. I laughed more than I have in months. I did the two best role play scenes I have ever done. I slept barely any, and ate little more than that. I wore a tutu, ripped a ball gown, actually sat on a pillow, had my left ear molested, won my court case, successfully roomed by myself with little angst, and colored a very exciting dragon.
And I unsuspectingly got closure on a conflict that has plagued my heart for the past three years. The biggest regret in my entire spanking history was resolved, to my complete and utter surprise. And I couldn’t be happier.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Oh wow! I knew it had been a long time since I posted, but I didn't realize it had been over a month! So sorry! Will do better, I promise. I have lots to tell you about.
So I am supposed to be asleep right now- got sent to bed at 11:30 tonight because of an early morning meeting (bedtime is a well established 1 AM normally)- but it's just not happening. In bed, can't sleep. And my brain is just running and running, like it always is, and as is the case many nights, I came up with the idea for a blog post! :) Most nights this happens, and I will write somewhere from half to the entire post in my head before falling asleep. I think sometimes I forget that I didn't actually write them, which is why nothing ever ends up here anymore! lol.
Anywho, so I was having a discussion with my top friend (discussion of him, Brett, friends, school, and the rest of my life in another post to come soon) about him being strict with me. Whether or not I like it (I really really do), whether or not it would preclude our wonderful banter and my general bratiness or not, etc. He is of the belief that trying to get my to stop being a brat is trying to get me to stop being me. An idea of which he is not a fan, and neither am I, so yay! Anyway, so I said, the way I see it, it's like a dance:
Dance 1: "The classic"Top: Asks/tells bottom to do something, please.
Bottom: Says they don't want to and/or protests/whines
Top: Threatens bottom with consequences
Bottom: Bottom protests/whines/squirms; stays stubbornly silent or protests the unfairness of it all (this step is often perfunctory, but in my opinion mandatory. You have to at least pretend you don't want to be in trouble!)
Top: counts or says something to give bottom just 1 more chance (seriously, only one. If that. This step is optional)
Bottom: continued refusal, or a flat out no.
Top: Consequences happen.
Dance 2: The "wham bam thank you ma'am"Top: Do this now.
Dance 3: "The Re-Focus"Top: asks about progress regarding something getting done.
Bottom: admits not much has happened, or squirms and pleads the 5th
Top: Get it done now or blank will happen.
Bottom: Chooses to mind or not, consequences follow accordingly.
Top: Consequences happen for not having already been working, and to get focus back.
All of these are perfectly acceptable options which give the bottom an opportunity to get out the hollow but necessary protesting. We all do the dance, even if not in these forms. The dance where we pretend that we don't really want to be spanked. Of course we do! Even if I am not in a position to be spanked right then, maybe I am just wanting some strict attention, or a push back to focus. A bit of corner time or bare bottom time on my couch, or anal punishment or line writing or whatever it is that floats your boat... doesn't matter! Just some sort of push back.
I usually need at least one refusal or bit of fuss, even if I'm in the mood to mind. Just to keep up appearances! But after that, if I'm still refusing or fussing, I'm needing a firmer hand. And unfortunately I have found, that when I'm allowed to get away with too much, I tend to get really REALLY disrespectful, disobedient and out of hand. If you keep telling me how bad it will be for my bottom next week, but aren't giving me anything concrete in that moment, or being incredibly direct with me in your commands... um a "fuck you" might have come out of my mouth this week... (that did NOT bode well for my bottom today btw).
I do get frustrated also though when people don't abide the basics of the dance. When no fuss at all is accepted. I am not a robot or a dog. I don't ask how high when told to jump. I am a good girl at heart and want to be, but I need to pretend not to be!
And it's true that sometimes when asked "do you need a spanking?" or "are you looking for a spanking?" or "you know you're cruising for a spanking right?" my response will be like in the old classic, Beauty and the Bandit, of a simply screamed "YES!" But most of the time I will lie through my teeth! "No!" 'How dare you?!" "you wouldn't dare!" and lots of squirming and silent scowls are my response.
As they should be. Because that's the dance.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
So I recorded this two weeks ago, immediately following a play session with a friend of mine. I was post TASSP crashing, and needed some attention and spankings. (Though I suppose that's not really any different than my constant state of being...)
Anywho. So as I was being spanked, and right after, I was thinking about different implements, and the different pain sensations they create. More specifically, about how I process the differing pains, and how my processing leads to different emotional/physical reactions.
I was initially planning to type it out, but was pretty sub-y and was feeling lazy, lol, so I vlogged it instead.
Just posting this now because originally I was going to be finishing (re: starting) my typed TASSP report, as well as a couple other posts, and so I was saving this for another day. And then I just forgot about it completely! lol. Thankfully, I remembered it, and so here it is! Would love to hear what other people think on this subject. I am barely cracking the surface on it!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
So, TASSP is done! I didn't actually blog much I don't think about how stressful planning this party has been on me this year. But let's just say, it has been. Lol. It was hell. But this weekend, it came and went, and was one of the best weekends of my life.
So I recorded this vlog Monday evening after I got home from the party because I was crashing horribly and I wanted to try to relive the party by talking about it and thus cheer me up. It totally worked. But it took about 40 minutes to get through the entire party!
So I'm breaking it down into parts by day. It isn't even, because I forgot things and went back to talk about other things, but it'll suffice. I'm also going to be doing entire non vlog posts with pictures (probably fewer descriptions, but still enough) for those who don't care for the vlogs, and because I want to post pictures and different details! They will probably cover the same highlights, but the details will certainly be different.
Anywho, so here you go!
Part 1: Introduction, My "Sexy Voice," Boy/Life update, General Stuffs
Part 2: Thursday
Part 3: Friday
Part 5: Saturday Part 1
Part 5: Saturday cont: "The Scene" and Suite Party
Part 6: Sunday and the end
Ok, going to start work on text posts soon and will also link to these from that, so if you want to wait until then, feel free. :)
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
So, sorry for the long pause in updates. Between TASSP (which starts in 36 hours) and the general upheaval with B, my mind has just been elsewhere. I had been planning to update about the situation with B on multiple occasions, but every time I thought I had a hold on it, it would change, lol. It was actually going really well though on the whole. I would say the summary was that we became best friends with kinky benefits and a lot of affection.
That was until yesterday.
Now, he isn't speaking to me, and I doubt that he ever will again. And I, once again, find myself heartbroken. But this time, it actually is my fault, and I am dealing almost more than anything else, with the pain of the guilt.
I was not a good friend. I was manipulative, and selfish, demanding and inconsiderate. I didn't mean to be any of those things, and I honestly didn't really know I was doing it. B seems to have bottled quite of bit of it in, which of course becomes a problem. Then after all of that, I accidentally (I actually had good intentions on this one) put him in jeopardy [I can't go into details on any of this]. So yeah. Went from feeling like I had the best friend in the world, to having a person that I love dearly (aside from the romantic love) be so furious at me to the point that I don't see him forgiving me or wanting to mend our friendship. At this point, it almost feels like he hates me...
And I have all of this guilt. That my actions and a few casual words hurt him so deeply. That I broke something so precious to me. Guilt, regret, shame, and a lot of anger. Fear and depression that this is how I am going to keep doing things. Driving away those that I love, even when I don't mean to. Even when they are really really good to me. That I will take advantage and just break the beautiful things....
But mostly I just hate that I hurt him. I hate the idea of him hating me. I have felt sick to my stomach all day. I just can't let it go. It's this thing that I broke and I am just desperate to fix it. But I don't know how, and I don't think that I can. Even if I could, I'm not sure that he's going to let me try. I just want to make it better! But I know that if I have any chance I just need to give him space (which I'm attempting to do) and that of course terrifies me that he will just be happier without me in his life at all and that'll be the end....
When we were together (and even once since), when I would get cranky or bitchy or start "breaking things" as we would say (when my fears or hormones would get the best of me, and I would just start doing or saying things that seemed designed to break our relationship apart), we might fight (we never had big fights, and he's only ever been mad at me like 3 times), but then he would spank me. He would just say "enough" and turn me over his knee. It would usually take out whatever ick was left inside of me that was causing me to break things. It would relieve my guilt at having fought with him (which was really big with me) even if it wasn't my fault. It would be the "magic reset button" not only for me, but for our relationship. We got a fresh start. Everyone forgiven and loved and things were good.
And now... it's wrestling with that moment when you remember that not everything can be fixed with a spanking. That not everything is forgivable. Or that even if they are, that not everyone will be forgiven (bc perhaps they are out of forgives, or because they don't deserve it). Spankings do not solve everything, despite my persistent belief to the contrary.
I have been texting with some old friends/tops today, just because I got to a REALLY dark place (also on my period, and stressed from TASSP, so that's making things extra lovely), and I knew I needed to talk to someone. And one of them was like "it's just a boy, you need to get over it." He also said "stop beating yourself up about it! You'll have over a hundred people there in two days willing to do it for you!" and then from another, "if he isn't going to forgive you, you're going to have to forgive yourself."
And I kinda just think that's all crap.
It isn't that he was/is my bf or my love. It's that he is a person that matters to me. And I hurt him. I deserve to feel hurt for that. I also am mad at me for breaking one of the best friendships I had going in my life right now. I hurt me. Again. So, it's not just something to be brushed away because it doesn't matter.
And the idea that if he doesn't forgive me, I have to forgive myself.... well I will probably have to on the things that I'm mad about hurting myself over. Like breaking the best thing I had in my life. Not ready to forgive myself for that one thought yet. And a big part of me feels like unless he forgives me, I don't get to be forgiven. I hurt him, and my guilt hurts me. So it's just.
The craziest is about other people spanking me. I know everyone will be spanking me, and trying to distract me this weekend. I will be stressed beyond belief about the party, so will get lots of stress relief. And I know people will see the pain in my eyes as I smile my hostess smile, and they'll try to make me feel better about it. But no matter how much pain was inflicted onto me, unless he said it was enough, it would never make me feel cleansed of it. I could have the skin whipped off my back, and I wouldn't feel forgiven, because I wouldn't BE forgiven.
It reminds me a lot of my self harm days. (Let's for the purpose of this story just say that they're completely behind me- which they are for the most part). I was never really bad about it (I have no scars), but I remember a really bad time with a bf (formerly known here as "the ex") when I was laying in bed with him and explaining that I wanted to because I was bad, and I wanted the guilt and shame feelings to go away. And he said "Kelley May, what would you say if I told you to go downstairs and get a knife because I was going to punish you by cutting up your arms? You would never let me punish you again right? So you are no longer allowed to punish yourself. Because clearly you don't know how to do it properly. And it's not your job. That's Daddy's job. So you aren't allowed to punish yourself anymore."
The difference was he was the one I thought I probably felt I wronged (or I felt I wronged myself perhaps), so it was easier. He still cared. He would spank me (beat me really) and I would be forgiven...
Whenever something happens in life that can't be fixed by a spanking, when the person who cared and forgave, stops caring and forgiving... I always feel like I've been lied to by spanking! Lol. Or by the spanking stories and fairy tales of DD that we tell ourselves. That someone will love you and be there for you and never leave no matter what you do. That the worst thing that will ever befall you is a very sore backside.... It's a dream and a delusion. And I'm mad I ever fell for it.
Guilt and shame. (Which, by the way, are also the entirety of bulimia interestingly enough in case anyone cared, lol). And the elusive forgiveness.
How do you get it? How do you know if you deserve it? How can you forgive yourself when they won't? And why can't spanking solve all the world's problems? It's a magic reset button.
I wished it worked for everything.
I would do anything to prove to him that I can be a better friend to him.... I just hope he'll let me. :(
PS. I promise that at some point my blog will stop being so depressing. But then my life would need to be consistently not depressing for a while... hm... I can at least promise discussions of TASSP after the fact. :)
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
So I posted this on FetLife, but wanted to share it here as well. I am also going to add more personal elements here soon: about sex, and pain, heartbreak, birthdays, and feeling like a fool. But this is what I have for now.
So, the short version of what happened is that my Bf/Daddy Brett and I broke up. Or rather, he left me I should say. We (he) just decided that we are too different, and that we aren't meant to be together in the end. And it didn't make sense for us to stay together even if we are happy if we know it won't end in marriage.
The long of it, is that I am a basket case over this for a variety of reasons.
Yes, we are very different people. He is new to the kink world and a bit judgmental of those who are really in depth in it. He loves his vanilla life, and wants to protect it. He was however, very supportive of my work and what I've done, but also encouraging of my more recent desires to step back from the scene and go back to just being a girl who likes to do kinky things. I am used to living 24/7 lifestyle, but he and I both agreed that wasn't what I needed in my life right now, but I struggled to not want it.
He is a frat boy who likes to drink and party and have a good time. He's ridiculously social and charismatic. He loves the outdoors and adventurous things. He loves to workout and eat healthy. I, on the other hand, love fanfiction and sci fi. I struggle to make friends and often find social settings stressful. I adore museums, castles, cathedrals and pretty vistas (we share that last one). I am a recovering bulimic, and I am not in a position to be working out with someone or sharing diet tips. He's a gun toting, hard core, extremely vocal conservative. I am an out and proud pinko commie liberal who would argue with God. He is stubborn and uncompromising. I am stubborn and damaged.
So I know that in the end, we probably weren't right for each other. But it's incredibly difficult to see that now. Because of all the things I just said, only a few of them were things about him that I disliked. I like that he's outdoorsy and fit, social and friendly. I don't even mind that he's conservative! But the fact that I'm not... I can't change that about me. And I am scared that the men I am attracted too in general are men like that... and I can come along and have a good time, but... I am scared I am never going to be what the man I'm looking for wants.
It's also hard because we have the same goals, values, and ambitions. The important things in life. And we have love. We had happiness....
When all the other relationships have ended, I could justify it in my head as being for the better. I was rid of these toxic people that were weighing me down. So after a few days I almost always felt better just because they were gone. But with him... he's just one of the best men I've ever known. Let alone who has loved me! So giving that up... I just can't understand why someone would give up love even if it isn't right in the end. Love is such a precious thing....
So I'm in a rough place in my life. I am back to picking up broken pieces. I wasn't even finished fixing myself from the last one. But he was helping, and I thought it would better. He's the only man I've ever been with where I allowed myself to look into the future. We made plans... talked about our possible life together....I allowed myself to believe that I might actually get to have the things I have always dreamed of: a happy, stable vanilla life with children and a successful, wonderful man who spanks me every day! Something I'd given up on believing was possible... but now I had that, and it didn't work (and I know in part it didn't work because I broke it- he won't say it, but I don't believe him, lol). So either that man doesn't exist, or I will break it in the end.
It's hard to allow myself to believe that my dream will ever come true. Because I am hurting, and I want to protect myself. And I just don't know if I can go through this kind of pain anymore.
Apologies for all the pain and cryptic messages. It's just been a rather bang up birthday, lol.
I know that it will get better, and I know I am strong and can get through anything. I mean, God! Just look at what I've been through before! The sun will come up again. I'm just really getting tired of the dark.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
So I don't think that I ever would have thought I would say this, but I very much believe it to be true: the best thing a top has ever done for me is refuse to give me rules.
But I've been learning a lot of things lately- some surprising, some not so much. But all rather profound, and all pointing me in a direction that feels hopeful and positive. After so many weeks of feeling like the dark was overwhelming and never going to pass... thinking that I had destroyed my entire future... that there just wasn't someone out there for me... that life really didn't have a point to it anymore... after all that heartache and despair, I am so happy to say that I can feel the sun on my face. I don't just see a future, I see a happy future. My future, full of possibility, love, and joy. Purpose, meaning and drive... feeling them come back to me.
And the part I am most excited about? It is only in part due to the new boy.
He isn't rescuing me. He is cheering me on while I rescue myself. And for that, he is my hero.
Brett and I met a month ago at the last Bottoms Up party. He was there with another girl, who I assumed was his girlfriend. I remember thinking, "Damn! So hot. Of course he's taken." Found out when we met again at TNG two weeks later that she actually wasn't. He was completely and utterly single. (So refreshing!) And just as hot.
25. That's right: 25! Texan. Single. Monogamous. Educated. Successful. Passionate. Kind. Funny. Caring... Just a really good man. I could go on forever, but will just talk about him in another post. I have other things to say now. :)
So it became pretty obvious right off the bat that we were going to fall hard and fast. We have So much in common past kink. Kink often became an afterthought in our conversations. But we have that in common as well- ours line up almost perfectly (just me with a great deal more experience). So we talked. A lot. We tried really hard not to. I was single goddamnit! And I wanted to stay that way.
And HE wanted me to stay that way too! And not for the annoying reasons, but for all the right ones. Wanted me to be able to have that time for me. To grow and to heal. And said he would wait for me. Promised to wait for me.
But since when do I wait?
I figured, we could date, and I could just "date me too" as I said. It would be casual, easy! So he took me out on my first date in 3 years. That he planned. Picked me up. Paid for dinner. All that good stuff. :) Promised not to let me get naked.
14 hours of talking later, I was still fully clothed, but I was beyond hooked. And so far past terrified. This boy was a threat to all the strides I had made. All the success I had made being single. To my feelings of independence, agency, happiness, control, self worth... this boy was there to take them all away. But he was perfect! What was I supposed to do???
He said he would wait. He kept saying he would wait for me. He didn't want to but he would. But I didn't think there was a time frame for feeling all of those things. And when I talked to him about it. About how scared I was of my feelings for him and how quickly things were moving, he said the simplest but most profound thing. Something along these lines:
"If that is what you are fighting for babe, it has nothing to with being single. Because those are all things you need to feel forever."
And thus I came to the realization that I didn't have to stay "single" in the literal sense to keep all of the wonderful joys I had gained. Those things- independence, agency, and control- are a daily struggle. Because I am out of practice! lol. But they are important. And fighting myself to keep them while with him is making me so much stronger.
So when I say that best thing a top has ever done for me is to refuse to give me rules, I mean it. He could make me do things. He could give me back all that structure that I crave. All the guidelines and boundaries that have been artificially imposed upon me for the last 5 years. The things I begged for. He could let me be little all the time, and escape reality that way (he likes my little by the way: he is very kind to her, and loves the term Daddy). But he won't. And believe me, most days, I ask for them at least once. I whine that it's hard to be a grown up! Self discipline is much more difficult than following orders. But it's not only what I need, it's what I want for myself.
That independence. That feeling of agency and control of my own life. Feeling like I am in the driver's seat, and that I trust myself to not crash the car. I love those feelings. They make me feel whole. They make me feel like me again. Like I've been in this strange fog that I forgot wasn't the actual sky.
I've been thinking a lot lately about codependency and dependency in the BDSM/spanking communities, and whether or not it's healthy. I've come to the tentative conclusion that it can work for some people, but that for the most part, we let it happen and often glorify it, without looking at the consequences. When you're in codependency, there is nothing in the world that feels stronger, more real or epic. But you can't see the destruction falling around you either. And dependency... well we all like to say that she would be fine if he left. If he was gone... but for how many is that actually true?
Idk, but I am just really enjoying exploring what it means to be submissive, to be a bottom, to a man who refuses to control me. Who wants me to run my own life, and make my own happiness. Who will throw me over his shoulder like I'm the lightest of feathers, toss me over his knee and blister my ass when I ask for it, need it, or just sass him too much, but won't give me a bedtime. Will let me be little and sit at his feet for an hour, giving in completely, but expects me to hold a conversation the rest of the time. Who encourages me to be my best at everything, to make good choices and take care of myself, and to have a life outside of him and outside my apartment, but will never make me do any of those things. Who loves me the way I am now, and the woman I am destined to become.
How do I maintain a full, whole, happy and independent me while also becoming part of an "us?"
It's a difficult journey for sure, but one I couldn't be happier to be on. I have been doing a lot of work lately on my future (working with career counselors, and taking various apptitude tests), and am inching closer to finding where I am going to next take my life: essentially what advanced degree I am going to pursue. Figuring out what my future in the scene is going to be... I am finally re-focused on my life.
Now I just feel like I have the best man I ever could have dreamed of to do it beside me. He has his own thing, and I have mine. Some days I fall down. I get scared. I cry. I freak out. And he just stands there next to me and holds out his hand, and tells me I can do it. That he has faith in me, and that I am capable of anything I ever wanted. And that he isn't going anywhere. He isn't like the others who stood back at the edge of the diving board telling me I was safe. He is standing on the edge with me, looking in my eyes, waiting for me to say I'm ready for us to jump.
So I'm not single anymore. For the first time in my life in fact, I am in a committed monogamous relationship. But I'm all the things that mattered about being single. Only now with reinforcements. :)
I've had a couple Kings. A court jester, a pretender to the thrown, and a very very very dark knight. But I can finally say, that I think this Princess might have finally found her Prince Charming.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
This is how I feel these days, and I couldn't be happier about that fact. Maybe it wasn't all for not. Maybe I went through all this, so I could get to this. I could have him. And so I could find me....
Can't wait to explain more soon enough.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Me: I am totally winning this break-up.
Me: Winning the break-up. It's a thing. I think it's from Friends. Francesca thought it was weird to make something inherently not competitive competitive, but I, well I'm totally winning.
Mom: Well I'm glad you're winning your break up. Because we all know I don't like losers.
[Regarding advice about the future and discussing careers and education]
Mom: The only advice I ever really received in grad school was from my international banking professor. After we took the exam, he came up to me and said, "[name], I don't think you are cut out for this." And at that time, the only way to do international business was in banking, so I was kinda devastated and asked why? He replied, "well pretty much all of international banking is done on committee, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't really strike me as someone who does well on committees unless you're in charge of them."
Me: *laughs hysterically* Well as least I know it's genetic!
Me: I just downloaded this app called Zombie Run... thinking about trying to walk more. Also want to take up archery.
Mom: Oh good! I wasn't going to say anything, but I was thinking the other day that now that you're not having sex, you aren't getting any exercise at all.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Ok, so I need to rant for a minute. (You might want to run and hide- and excuse all typo's and grammatical mistakes made in rage type.)
Totally off topic, but I mean seriously??? What is it that makes men think they can just go off expressing their opinions about a woman's pubic hair like it's no big deal at all? Like we give a shit? Or more importantly, like they have a relevant opinion or even a right to have one!?!?
I have had an all-natural untamed bush, been waxed with a landing strip, waxed bare, shaved bare, stubble, trimmed, some growth, and "I just don't give a fuck right now," all in the time that I've had this blog. And during every single one of those states, I have had men express to me how they wish I would have it a different way. That I would like it better the other way if I just tried it. That their way was so superior. That I just didn't understand! (that's my favorite!)
And it's always the same arguments against them too.
Let me break it down:
"It's rough against my face when I go down on her."
Yes, because I'm sure that your sandpaper face felt awesome on her lips.
"It's gross when I go down on her."
And your pubes are so appealing. And I mean really, this girl is letting you stick your face in her vagina- why are you complaining again???
"She looks like a child."
You clearly don't understand female anatomy, and I'm concerned about the number of children's vagina's you've seen.
"It looks unkempt"
Yes, because keeping one's natural germ barrier intact is really unkempt of you.
"It's not as artistically sound or appealing."
Factually inaccurate. (See picture) Yeah, that's some hardcore bush there.
"It's not as pretty because she doesn't look like the girls from the videos I've been watching."
*head-desk* Are you serious right now? I can't. *walks away*
"Well it's nice to know that the carpet matches the drapes."
Ohmygod did you really just say that? You did? Ok. Because her eyebrows, eyelashes, arm hair and general complexion couldn't give that away? And regardless, you care why?
"I just prefer girls with xyz."
Well good for you!
And you are telling me that your preference is the opposite of what I have why? Your preference is your preference. It's my vagina. Stop telling me how you would like me to have it for you. I bet you would also like for me to spread my legs so you could insert yourself inside of me. Also not going to happen. But you have the better sense at least not to tell me that, or say it in that tone that implies such authority on the matter because you don't want to get bitch slapped.
It's like if you're on a date and the dude was like,
"I prefer redheads, will you dye your hair?" you'd probably reply,
"fuck off asshat."
How about you just prefer me and whatever I have at this moment? And how about you get over yourself and thinking that a woman should or would change her preference to please you.
When photographers tell me they wish I had a bush, it drives me nuts. Because others will tell me how much they like it shaved. But so many art photographers just tell me over and over and over, and I just want to be like "shut the fuck up and stop sexually harassing me!" Because honestly that's what it feels like. Its the same bullshit as the "well she posed like that so you should too. Come on, it won't hurt you to pose like that. Everyone's doing it. Just spread your legs for me." You wouldn't (or if you do you fucking shouldn't) continually go after a girl in a bar telling her that she Should go home with you after she's told you no multiple times would you? It's not manly, it's not macho. It's pathetic, and honestly scary when it happens.
So when someone decides to take it upon themselves to constantly express there distaste for my choice in pubic hair one way or the other, I really just feel violated, aggravated, and like I really miss feminism. I want my choice to have or not to have a bush to be MINE and not yours. But mostly, I want you to stop thinking that you get to express your opinion to me on the subject. I want you to stop assuming that I will change it for you. That I should change it for you. I want for that thought to NEVER AGAIN enter your mind. I want you to love every fucking pussy that comes along, hairy or bald, and thank the good lord above that you're even getting to see it.
I have been with women with and without a bush. And you know what? I never once thought one way or the other. I have an opinion on my own pubic hair and how I like it. But other women's? Their fucking choice! And I have been turned on by every woman I've been with. (that's kinda the point I suppose)
So get the fuck over yourself. So you have an opinion? Good for you. I really, really don't want to hear about it.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
So someone sent this to me on my kinky tumblr (I spend most of my time on my nerd tumblr), and I thought I would take a minute and answer it, because I honestly think the format is pretty creative. :) And it seems to fit in well with the recent "body" theme I have going on here.
Hair: What hair color looks best on you and what's your natural color?
Natural hair color is the one I have. Brown.
I have been semi blonde once: bad idea. Then dark dark brown: fun and hot for a bit. But overbearing soon thereafter. Always wanted to try red, but not willing to do that kind of damage to my hair.
Skin: Do you tan easily?
No! I burn extremely easily.
Eyes: What is your favorite show to watch?
At the moment (and honestly always), Supernatural. (Dr Who must also be mentioned.)
Nose: What is your favorite perfume/candle fragrance?
Vanilla to smell. Used to wear it when I was younger. I wear J'adore most consistently. Currently wearing Encanto Bloom by Ferragamo
Mouth: Do you want to kiss anyone right now?
Very much so. Really amazing kissing is something I have done very little of. I have been spanked by at least triple the number of people I have kissed. And those I have kissed... not many were memorably good. But those that were... kissing is the most intimate of things. It will tell you so much more about chemistry, and a man/woman than anything else.
I am dying to do more of it. Now please.
Tongue: What was in your last meal?
Salmon, zucchini, mushrooms, rice, and ice cream
Windpipe: Do you sing?
Yes. Currently obsessed with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O08OOjavNYU
Neck: Do you wear necklaces?
Occasionally. I wear a gold K pendant by Helen Ficalora. And occasionally a statement piece. But generally I go naked neck.
Ears: How many piercings do you have (if any)?
Cheeks: Do you blush easily?
I think so.
Wrists: Have you ever broken a bone?
Hands: Are you an artist/writer?
Fingers: Do you play an instrument?
Heart: Are you in love? If so, does the one you love know?
Not at the moment.
Lungs: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Chest: Are your maternal/parental instincts strong?
Stomach: Do you feel confident in your body image?
More so when I'm naked.
Back: Are you a virgin?
Hips: Do you like to dance?
Thighs: Has anyone ever called you fat or ugly?
Many a times.
Knees: Have you ever cheated on someone?
Ankles: Have you ever been arrested?
Feet: Do you ever wear heels just for the hell of it?
Toes: Do you like country music?
When it strikes my fancy. ;)
Well that was fun and easy. :)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
So I just spent the past hour responding to a message from a guy that was essentially asking why being a "chubby chaser" was offensive. That itself probably wouldn't have merited re-posting and a further discussion. However, the nature of his reasoning reminded me of an underlying truth that I think needs to be brought to light and discussed.
Let me start this by saying, I am always flattered when someone thinks I'm pretty, regardless of the reason, and bothers to tell me so. K&P this time around has been inspiring, and amazing. I am grateful, and do feel great about people's responses.
However the "for a heavy/curvy/big girl" gets old really fast, as does the "damn I love me some thick/fat/chubby girls!" Honestly, the second more so than the first. The first is generally by someone with whom I hold agreement on most things beautiful- a list to which I have now simply been added. It just pisses me off that they have to add a caveat to my beauty, and that they are surprised by the fact that a "not thin girl" can be pretty. I am starting to think that I actually shouldn't bitch at those people though. But rather should encourage them to continue to look at girls in that way, and continue to be surprised, until they aren't anymore.
The second though... dude, don't call me any of those things! I don't want to be any of those things! And you telling me I am kinda just killed any of the new found confidence I might have achieved by someone liking my image! *facepalm*
The truth of the matter is that we live in a society of extremes when it comes to body issues. We have an "obesity" epidemic according to everyone. According to me we have an eating disorder epidemic and one of those is over-eating. You are either thin or you are fat. There is no in between. When people go on TV to lose weight, they don't stop when they have hit a healthy, easy to maintain and reasonable weight. No. They go until they literally can not become any smaller without endangering their own health. Because that's what's beautiful.
Well apparently, according to a bunch of messages I have received, there is a market for heavier girls to be "beautiful" as well, but only when they are actually heavy girls. I have been reblogged on tumblr by ever "size 14 plus" type blog there is at this point. I was directed to multiple BBW sites. People saying, you would be great here!
I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. I don't want to be segregated off with these heavier women and categorized as just that.
First of all, I'm a size 12. And it's as heavy as I ever want to be. And I'm going to be kinda harsh here. I don't generally go for anyone heavier than me. That is not to say that I don't think heavier than that can be beautiful. It absolutely can! But I also think that a size 0 can be beautiful. Which apparently makes me weird. I need to love one or the other.
Well I don't! I love the female form in all its various shapes and sizes. My personal preference? Size 4-10. I would really like to go back to being an 8/10, and am finding it strange that apparently there isn't a market for that. I need to be plus size or skinny. One or the other.
So someone lumping me in with a site devoted to guys who love girls that are all that size... just... guh! I AM MORE THAN MY SIZE!
Now that that is out of the way, here is the other harsh truth. Why is it that some guys like heavier girls? And I don't mean someone who can get behind a skinny girl, a medium girl or a heavy girl. I mean the people that just want the heavier girls. Because this is a confusing thing to many people. And please don't tell me it's that they are "real" (we've been through that discussion already) or that they are "more natural looking" or "not a stick" or that they are "more comfortable to snuggle with" because all of those things could apply to a size 6. [And dear lord, never tell a woman she is comfy to snuggle with unless she starts that line of thought.]
So this brings me to the email I received. I am going to just post parts of it, and then parts of my response. But I think it's really indicative of how SOME men see heavier women. All spelling/grammar left as is.
My question is what is wrong with being a "chubby chaser"? I typically consider myself one. I know it is probably a horribly offensive term. It is not ment to be on my end. Simply stated I like a woman that isn't a toothpick. I don't like a skinny mini. I like a woman with curves and an appetite. Curvey women also tend to have personalities and feelings. So couple that with all of the other positives like being more comfortable to snuggle with, more likely to actually care what a person thinks, and a less inflated self image. I could go on and on. The bottom line is that the sexiest thing about a curvey or "chubby" woman like you is that you have enough self confidence to know you aren't the type of woman society promotes and yet you still put yourself out there for the world to see.My response (in part):
There is nothing wrong with preferring heavier women in an of itself. However, the reasons you have given me- not very good ones.
Let me start by saying that the term "chubby chaser" is horribly offensive. I don't want to be chubby. Nor do I consider to a compliment, or something that applies to me....
...What I read from what you posted is essentially this:
"Chubby women have gone through life being ridiculed and made to feel like they are less than. They therefore have low self-esteem and don't think much of themselves. They also tend to be funnier and often more overtly gregarious (though this is almost always a front) because in order to get the same love and attention as a child as their pretty counterparts, they needed to be funny or kind or some other thing that made them worthy of affection. This means that as an adult they are more likely to stay with a man who doesn't treat them as well, because they don't believe they are deserving."
I realize that you have probably never looked at it like that, but it's the truth behind how you feel. I will dissect a bit farther if you don't mind.
"Curvey women also tend to have personalities and feelings"
This is not something specific to curvy women. Plenty of thin women have personalities and feelings. What you are meaning to say is that they have a bigger personality and more damage (/feelings- interchangeable in this context) because they have learned to compensate
"more likely to actually care what a person thinks"
There is no correlation between a woman's size and how much she cares about what you think. There IS however, possibly a correlation between a woman's size and how likely she is to put up with someone else's drama/bullshit/opinions. Maybe she thinks a guy is self centered and only cares about his feelings, but because she is heavier, she has less self worth, and therefore puts up with his flaws for longer because she doesn't think she can do better.
"a less inflated self image"
Most thin women don't have inflated self images. Most thin women have a healthy self image. Most heavier women have a LOW self image. If you think a chubby girls self image is simply "not inflated" you seem to be of the opinion that women shouldn't think very highly of themselves.
"The bottom line is that the sexiest thing about a curvey or "chubby" woman like you is that you have enough self confidence to know you aren't the type of woman society promotes and yet you still put yourself out there for the world to see"
Please don't ever call my chubby again, but THIS is valid. Confidence is a sexy thing. And by going against the grain, I suppose I show more confidence. But this doesn't really fit with the rest of what you are saying.
In general, it sounds to me like you have had some problems with a couple or maybe just one thin woman and you have decided they are all horrible. Or that you're a jerk or not a good partner in some way and have therefore chosen to pick women with less self worth that will put up with it. I don't know you and don't want to judge TOO much, so my guess is the former- just a bad experience with the "pretty" girls. And that makes sense. Because the "pretty girls" can be bitches. Especially if you're not up to "their standard." But trust me, heavier women can be bitches too.
There is nothing wrong with loving all women for who they are. But don't say you like chubby women because they have better personalities. Just love all women. :) We are a very mixed bag, that has very little to do with our dress size.
Sorry this was so harsh. I just think you should take a look at why you feel the way you do at a deeper level.
Ok, like I said, I know my response was harsh. But as I wrote, it screamed "heavy girls don't love themselves and therefore won't leave me."
And this is something I have witnessed time and time again in my life. It's something I have personally experienced. A smoking hot guy will pick the pretty but heavier girl and build her up while simultaneously putting her down. Everyone will remind her how "out of her league" he is. And she will always be grateful to have him.
But the reason he likes "heavier" girls? They put up with his bullshit.
I must say, of course, that this is not always the case. But it does happen. A lot.
So yeah. I have confidence, and I feel good about my body. I'm proud of it, and am more than happy to show it off.
But let's be frank here. If Jared or Jensen, Val or Maks, Brad Pitt, or any of the boys that I talk about being so dreamy and hot were to come up to me at a bar, I would think it was a sick joke. Because boys like that don't talk to girls that look like me. And when they do, it's for the reasons above.
Welcome to the world of "plus-size" modeling. It's a funny, funny place.
If you're on FetLife and were on today, you might have noticed that a new picture I posted went "Kinky and Popular." If you're not on Fet, well that's the gist of what happened. :) And so it's been a very interesting day, filled with lots of messages and comments, likes and loves, and thus lots of thoughts for me to have and share with y'all. None of this is intended to be "offensive" but I bet at least some would be better left unsaid. But when have I ever done that??? :)
1. First thought, after "What? Really? Wow." and lots and lots of blushing and feeling humbled and proud at the same time, and flattered and happy is this amazing song:
"To all the ass hat jocks who beat me up in school/now I'm the one that's cool/I'm the one that's cool!"Ok. I'm done now. :)
But also don't just want to be that girl that attracts "chubby chasers" or whatever that horrible term is. It's a fine line to walk, and my feelings are... it's complicated to explain...
The mixed emotions I feel with all of this stem of course from my history with an eating disorder and body image issues. My nutritionist and I go at this exact debate all the time actually. I want to to be proud of my body and for people to see that curves can be beautiful (bc I'm not going to lie or be fake modest- I think those images are amazing together. And I look really good in them). I want to be the role model, and the inspiration. I want to affect change!
But I also want to be thinner most days. If for no other reason than it would be easier. And honestly, because I've been the thinner version of me (had to get to here somehow) and I liked it better. Don't want to be "thin," just thinner than I am now. Most people probably wouldn't even notice. Simple as that.
Please don't think that I'm saying that looking for compliments- I got way more than my share of compliments today. This...it's an honest thing I struggle with. As an issue of integrity, and an issue of desire and guilt. How am I going to be able to be happy with my body as it is now, be a role model, and not feel guilty if I want to be thinner for whatever reason, all at the same time?
I don't have the answer, but I'm working on it.
No! She is beautiful, and she is a model. And she has freckles or small breasts or cellulite- things you would otherwise just Photoshop over and never mention if you weren't trying to exploit her perceived "flaws" as part of your marketing campaign.
Magazine articles about body image talk about loving yourself despite your flaws. Sometimes they get really radical and they talk about loving yourself because of your flaws, and that is supposed to be empowering. And it makes me mad, because we're talking about flaws here. A body that doesn't look like the body of a Victoria's Secret model is a flawed factory reject. My thighs aren't the thighs of a figure skater, so they're not good enough, but I should love the flubby little things anyway because I am so incredibly self-compassionate
I want this: I want to say, don't love yourself even though you're not perfect - love yourself because you have a body and it's worth loving and it is perfect. Be healthy, which is perfect at whatever size healthy is and at whatever size happy is. And of course that's totally easy and I have just caused a revolution in body image. Let's all go home now.
4. And now for some comment/message highs and lows:
Actually. I was just going through to find some, and there honestly weren't any bad/crude/obnoxious comments on that picture. There were a couple on a few other ones (the more sexual pics), and the ubiquitous horrific messages, but just in re-reading all the other, amazing, kind, heartfelt ones, I started to cry I little, so I'm not going to try to make a bit joke out of it. I was trying to choose my favorite comments, but they are all... I would have like 15 favorites, and that's a little too self reverential for my taste.
Ok, enough sap Kelley. I will end this part of this post (I have a few more things to say- the snarkier bits- but will do so in another post since this is getting long) with this comment. A rare sexual/objectified comment that I like and made me laugh really hard.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Ok, so I was watching Dancing with the Stars (it's my guilty pleasure don't judge me!), and this happened, and I freaked the fuck out. lol. Watched it about 15 times already.
Maksim and Valenine Chmerkovskiy are very hot, very Russian, brothers that are two of the pro dancers on the show. Maks is a long time pro, whereas little brother Val is newer to the program. Both very dominant (imho) and both very popular. Val is paired with this year's favorite, and Maks is actually taking the season off (for reasons unknown to me). Side note: His partner is Zendaya, a 16 year old Disney star and very talented dancer. Watching the way he is trying to mentor and coach her in a kinda older brother way is really really hot to me. He pushes her to be way better than she would need to be to still easily be the most talented on the program. But it's like he sees how amazing she Could be and so he doesn't accept for her to be less than That. I love mentor/ment-ee relationships as well as coach/student relationships. It's just hot man.
They did this team/partner type dance thing last week, and so Maks was in rehearsal with Val and his celeb partner. From this footage, it appears that Val has hurt his back, and in the shot, Maks is stretching him out, clearly perturbed that little brother has gotten himself hurt again. But mostly because it means that He is going to be in trouble... :D
Maks: "when something's wrong with him, I get bitched at, like it's my fault, like I was 'supposed to watch out for him' or something like that."
Val: "and when something goes wrong wtih you, what happens to me?"
M: "Same thing, but I don't let anything go wrong with me."
V: "Bro, you're one big wrong. already. My whole life..."
M: "I swear to God I'm gonna call mom"
V(talking over him): "..I don't understand.. (unitelligible)"
M (cont): "And I'll tell her your back hurts. If I tell momma your back hurts? And It's game over for you. Somebodies flying out..."
V: "and if I tell Papa you came an hour and a half late to rehearsal there's gonna be something wrong with you."
M: [pause, as if to say "you wouldn't"]
V: "Punctuality." (re:slam dunk)
M: [shrugs in acquiescence] "end result"
V: "end result."
V: (clearly knowing that he won) "you look like a gonadal rider."
So, I have to say, that I have a thing for fraternal M/M spankings/discipline. Probably one of the reasons I love Supernatural fanfic so much. And given that my life has been consumed with SPN as of late, this just really played well to that whole Sam and Dean thing. :) Also, it was kinda adorable.
Anyway, I don't know if anyone will care in the slightest about this, but I needed to share it, and I don't have a fucking place to do that appropriately except for here. Because here is mine, so I can! lol. :)
Quote from Maks to Zendaya last week while demonstrating a move she should do with Val.
"You guys are the perfect couple. You're a very good follower, and he's a great leader. But sometimes you know where to go, so get there. You know what I mean? You have your part to do." If that isn't Ds what is? (If I can find a gif of this I will post it.)