A young college student's search for firm, loving discipline, and the musings and stories of her experiences.
#oh look, I learned a new trick. #thanks Tumblr. #couldn't bear for this to stay in video form #the real reason I never answer emails #not suicidal #just needing to be brutally honest with myself #needed to snap out of the fantasy
Somehow I doubt you've abandoned your bright future, Kelley. That you've turned it in a different direction isn't to say that it's gone, or that you're any less capable of carving a life out for yourself than you were before. Honesty's good, but here it's liberally spiced with pessimism. Just think what you've gained and learned over the past few months. Are things hard? Probably so. But I sure wouldn't count you out just yet. Keep your chin up :)
Thank you so much for this comment. It really meant a lot to me, and helped me feel stronger. :)
Kelley:Let me preface this note by telling you that I am a very happily married, very monogamous, very middle-aged man who lives two time zones away from you and wants absolutely nothing from you.But I’ve visited your web pages from time to time over the years and, when I visited today and saw your 4-29 post, the anguish and despair you are feeling touched me in a way that seemed to reach out compel a response. (A first for me. My wife and I are supreme lurkers on these sites and have never so much as commented.)So here it is, from a guy old enough to be your dad (at least) with a long, broad and relevant life experience. Ready?Relax.You are going to be OK.You are a million miles away from having ruined your life. Your choices and opportunities are as abundant as they ever were. (And from what I’ve read and seen, those choices are abundant indeed – you appear to be keenly intelligent, well-educated, creative and daring young woman. That is just the sort of person to whom life will present many opportunities.)OK, you got naked and spanked on internet. You’re right to think those images are out there forever and not going away. Yup, the internet is forever. So what?Try some perspective. You did nothing that tens of thousands of people your age have not done, albeit you may have done it a little more prolifically, a little more creatively, and with better production values. But you did nothing that was illegal and nothing that is not becoming more and more common every day.Try to think practically. Say you’re in a job interview ten years from at law firm or a university (I’m a law partner and an adjunct law professor, so I know these two worlds) and the fellow across the desk from you recognizes “Princess Kelley.” (This presumes he can recognize you years from now, out of context, sitting in an office, dressed in a business suit. But say for the moment this guy can.) What exactly do you think is going to happen?If he’s the sort to hold your past exploits against you, then he’s almost certainly not the sort to out you when it means outing himself. If he’s not the sort to hold your past against you, well then you haven’t a problem anyway. And with those two possibilities you have pretty much completely covered the entire miniscule sample of people whom you will ever meet who will have the power to deprive you a job or limit your choices, and who also happened to catch a video where you got you bottom warmed.(You seem to have a good education. Sit down and draw the Venn diagram for yourself. One circle is all the people who will ever have the power to say “no” to you in the vanilla world. The other circle is all the people who will recognize you. The third circle is the people who watched and read your content on the web, but who would judge you harshly for it. You can see, the little triangle in the middle doesn’t amount to much.)At your age a year seems like forever, the world is what you’ve seen and you are at its center. But here’s what I know that you simply cannot know – no matter how bright or well studied you are – because it is unknowable at your age: Life is long. The world is huge. Not that many folks are paying attention to you (for good or for ill).If you want to be a lawyer or a professor or an art curator or a wife and mom (or all those things or anything else) there is not a reason in the world that you cannot – unless you decide to limit your own choices out of a sense of fear or, God forbid, shame. Right now you are the only one who can stop you.So buck up kid.Decide what you want, figure out what’s required to achieve it, then go get it without a single look over your shoulder. And my advice: hang onto a few photos, videos and blog posts from this time, because someday you are going meet a man – not a “top,” or a “dom,” or “daddy” – but a man who is going to delight in you, who is going to love you forever for just who you are. And he’s going to get a huge kick out of that stuff.All the best.
I am going to reply to this in email, but just let me say, thank you. I needed that more than I can possibly express.
I know that you're going through a very difficult time, but it is not the end of the world. You're still in charge of your incredibly bright future. You are amazingly gorgeous, and you will one day find your path. This stuff doesn't matter.The world is still your oyster. Eat the son of a bitch.
LOL. Loved that final line. I think I'm going to steal that one if you don't mind. thank you for the kind words and your comment.
I have little to add to what these gentlemen above say. The future is still out there and you are better equipped to meet it than most. Of course we're just some old farts and using the words of one of my favorite authors; "...age and wisdom do not always go together. Some people just become stupid with more authority." Still, some things become clearer as the years go by and things that seem overwhelming often become trivial when a little time has passed. Keep writing, you're good at it.Love from Iceland
Thank you for the encouragement. It really does mean a great deal to me.
You are young, pretty, intelligent, strong, and independent. Because of those traits, you have plenty of future left.You are under no obligation to stay in the scene or the industry against your will. You can leave for a while and come back. You can take down your videos, photos, blogs, or limit access to them. Your friends, if they are truly your friends, will understand and learn to stay in touch with you in Vanilla land.You could also just leave the industry and continue to practice kink in private. Talk to a career councilor, find internships, and try some new things on for size. You are bright and young, and you have good educational "credentials". USE THEM WHILE THEY ARE FRESH! You have time. You have resources and ability. You are FREE to come, go, stay, leave, return, or do whatever makes you happy.I did not make the most of my potential when I was younger, and I had less then than you do now. I wasted it by being too scared to explore, and too caught up in doing what was right rather than what made me happy. I regret that every day of my life.Please don't have the same regret. Use your opportunities and find your happiness! You deserve to be happy, damnit!-Adriane "Greeneyez6144"
Thank you for this. Sometimes, it does feel like an obligation... I know it's not, but you feel what you feel right? :)I don't know where I'm headed quite yet, but I'll get there eventually.Encouragement like this really does make a difference, and means more to me than I can express.Thank you
Also, the raw emotion you display in your blog in general and in this entry in particular really humanizes models in general. Too often they are not seen as real people, just airbrushed versions of themselves, just a "pic" or a "vid" and that type of attitude toward ANYONE is a dangerous thing. You have reminded people that behind every photo and video there is a story, a life, and a soul, a person with FEELINGS that deserves to be RESPECTED, not objectified. -Adriane "Greeneyez6144"
THIS!This comment. Wow. Thank you.I often think that people dislike my blog because it is so much more about human me than model me, and I am often self conscious of that fact. To hear someone say that they like my human side... it means a great deal. Thank you.I hope to affect people, as you said, and show them that all models are people too- because most do forget.
Hi Kelley,I recall reading a fairly recent interview with Brandi who was one of the top models at Real Spankings for a number of years. I tried to find it, but I could not.Brandi said she has been away from modeling for about five years and now has a vanilla job. She claimed that no one recognizes her today because it's a different context.I think your experience will likely be similar. You'll have plenty of chances to enjoy your oyster in peace.As the others said, you are young and free. Savor every moment, every sensation, and every joy. Create the kind of memories that will make you smile many years from now.Hugs,Bonnie
Thank you as always for your kindness and Wisdom, Bonnie.Biggest of hugsKelley
Hey, Princess:If you wanted to, you could walk away from your career as a model and go back to vanilla employment. No problem. Models do it every day.Please go take a look at the models index at Real Spankings: http://realspankings.com/modelsIndex.php How many of them are still in the business?And to do so would not be an admission of defeat. You had a lot of fun. That's why you did it. And there's nothing wrong with that.I'm not saying that you should go vanilla in your employment, just saying that you could if you chose to do so.I screwed up my future for a while when I was your age, then I settled down and did what I was supposed to do. I'm not sure that I did the right thing when I decided to do what others expected of me instead of what I wanted.It's hard to know the right thing to do. I still don't. I just do the best I can.You had the brightest of vanilla futures, but that's not enough for you. You're more than that. Some people can spend their lives being ordinary, but you're not one of them. You still have the brightest of futures, but your future is brighter than ordinary vanilla.--Jerry Bear
Hi Jerry,Thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me. I have always figured that it wouldn't matter that I did this. As you said, so many girls have, and who will recognize us?I think I just freaked out about not knowing where I am going, and just decided to blame all of my angst and confusion on this...And yeah, I have had a lot of fun. :)I don't know what I'm going to do next, but knowing that people here have been always so supportive... means the world.HugsKelley
I have great faith that you will be a rousing success at whatever you endeavor to do with your life. TASSP 2013 was proof of that. The classy young lady I saw at TASSP 2013 had no qualms about going after whatever she wanted and getting it.You'll be fine.