Wednesday, April 17, 2013

"Plus Sized:" Some Harsh Truths

Hey Team,

So I just spent the past hour responding to a message from a guy that was essentially asking why being a "chubby chaser" was offensive. That itself probably wouldn't have merited re-posting and a further discussion. However, the nature of his reasoning reminded me of an underlying truth that I think needs to be brought to light and discussed.

Let me start this by saying, I am always flattered when someone thinks I'm pretty, regardless of the reason, and bothers to tell me so. K&P this time around has been inspiring, and amazing. I am grateful, and do feel great about people's responses.

However the "for a heavy/curvy/big girl" gets old really fast, as does the "damn I love me some thick/fat/chubby girls!" Honestly, the second more so than the first. The first is generally by someone with whom I hold agreement on most things beautiful- a list to which I have now simply been added. It just pisses me off that they have to add a caveat to my beauty, and that they are surprised by the fact that a "not thin girl" can be pretty. I am starting to think that I actually shouldn't bitch at those people though. But rather should encourage them to continue to look at girls in that way, and continue to be surprised, until they aren't anymore.

The second though... dude, don't call me any of those things! I don't want to be any of those things! And you telling me I am kinda just killed any of the new found confidence I might have achieved by someone liking my image! *facepalm*

The truth of the matter is that we live in a society of extremes when it comes to body issues. We have an "obesity" epidemic according to everyone. According to me we have an eating disorder epidemic and one of those is over-eating. You are either thin or you are fat. There is no in between. When people go on TV to lose weight, they don't stop when they have hit a healthy, easy to maintain and reasonable weight. No. They go until they literally can not become any smaller without endangering their own health. Because that's what's beautiful.

Well apparently, according to a bunch of messages I have received, there is a market for heavier girls to be "beautiful" as well, but only when they are actually heavy girls. I have been reblogged on tumblr by ever "size 14 plus" type blog there is at this point. I was directed to multiple BBW sites. People saying, you would be great here!

I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. I don't want to be segregated off with these heavier women and categorized as just that.
First of all, I'm a size 12. And it's as heavy as I ever want to be. And I'm going to be kinda harsh here. I don't generally go for anyone heavier than me. That is not to say that I don't think heavier than that can be beautiful. It absolutely can! But I also think that a size 0 can be beautiful. Which apparently makes me weird. I need to love one or the other.
Well I don't! I love the female form in all its various shapes and sizes. My personal preference? Size 4-10. I would really like to go back to being an 8/10, and am finding it strange that apparently there isn't a market for that. I need to be plus size or skinny. One or the other.

So someone lumping me in with a site devoted to guys who love girls that are all that size... just... guh! I AM MORE THAN MY SIZE!

Now that that is out of the way, here is the other harsh truth. Why is it that some guys like heavier girls? And I don't mean someone who can get behind a skinny girl, a medium girl or a heavy girl. I mean the people that just want the heavier girls. Because this is a confusing thing to many people. And please don't tell me it's that they are "real" (we've been through that discussion already) or that they are "more natural looking" or "not a stick" or that they are "more comfortable to snuggle with" because all of those things could apply to a size 6. [And dear lord, never tell a woman she is comfy to snuggle with unless she starts that line of thought.]

So this brings me to the email I received. I am going to just post parts of it, and then parts of my response. But I think it's really indicative of how SOME men see heavier women. All spelling/grammar left as is.
My question is what is wrong with being a "chubby chaser"? I typically consider myself one. I know it is probably a horribly offensive term. It is not ment to be on my end. Simply stated I like a woman that isn't a toothpick. I don't like a skinny mini. I like a woman with curves and an appetite. Curvey women also tend to have personalities and feelings. So couple that with all of the other positives like being more comfortable to snuggle with, more likely to actually care what a person thinks, and a less inflated self image. I could go on and on. The bottom line is that the sexiest thing about a curvey or "chubby" woman like you is that you have enough self confidence to know you aren't the type of woman society promotes and yet you still put yourself out there for the world to see.
My response (in part):

There is nothing wrong with preferring heavier women in an of itself. However, the reasons you have given me- not very good ones.

Let me start by saying that the term "chubby chaser" is horribly offensive. I don't want to be chubby. Nor do I consider to a compliment, or something that applies to me....

...What I read from what you posted is essentially this:

"Chubby women have gone through life being ridiculed and made to feel like they are less than. They therefore have low self-esteem and don't think much of themselves. They also tend to be funnier and often more overtly gregarious (though this is almost always a front) because in order to get the same love and attention as a child as their pretty counterparts, they needed to be funny or kind or some other thing that made them worthy of affection. This means that as an adult they are more likely to stay with a man who doesn't treat them as well, because they don't believe they are deserving."

I realize that you have probably never looked at it like that, but it's the truth behind how you feel. I will dissect a bit farther if you don't mind.

"Curvey women also tend to have personalities and feelings"
This is not something specific to curvy women. Plenty of thin women have personalities and feelings. What you are meaning to say is that they have a bigger personality and more damage (/feelings- interchangeable in this context) because they have learned to compensate

"more likely to actually care what a person thinks"
There is no correlation between a woman's size and how much she cares about what you think. There IS however, possibly a correlation between a woman's size and how likely she is to put up with someone else's drama/bullshit/opinions. Maybe she thinks a guy is self centered and only cares about his feelings, but because she is heavier, she has less self worth, and therefore puts up with his flaws for longer because she doesn't think she can do better.

"a less inflated self image"
Most thin women don't have inflated self images. Most thin women have a healthy self image. Most heavier women have a LOW self image. If you think a chubby girls self image is simply "not inflated" you seem to be of the opinion that women shouldn't think very highly of themselves.

"The bottom line is that the sexiest thing about a curvey or "chubby" woman like you is that you have enough self confidence to know you aren't the type of woman society promotes and yet you still put yourself out there for the world to see"
Please don't ever call my chubby again, but THIS is valid. Confidence is a sexy thing. And by going against the grain, I suppose I show more confidence. But this doesn't really fit with the rest of what you are saying.

In general, it sounds to me like you have had some problems with a couple or maybe just one thin woman and you have decided they are all horrible. Or that you're a jerk or not a good partner in some way and have therefore chosen to pick women with less self worth that will put up with it. I don't know you and don't want to judge TOO much, so my guess is the former- just a bad experience with the "pretty" girls. And that makes sense. Because the "pretty girls" can be bitches. Especially if you're not up to "their standard." But trust me, heavier women can be bitches too.
There is nothing wrong with loving all women for who they are. But don't say you like chubby women because they have better personalities. Just love all women. :) We are a very mixed bag, that has very little to do with our dress size.

Sorry this was so harsh. I just think you should take a look at why you feel the way you do at a deeper level.

Ok, like I said, I know my response was harsh. But as I wrote, it screamed "heavy girls don't love themselves and therefore won't leave me."

And this is something I have witnessed time and time again in my life. It's something I have personally experienced. A smoking hot guy will pick the pretty but heavier girl and build her up while simultaneously putting her down. Everyone will remind her how "out of her league" he is. And she will always be grateful to have him.
But the reason he likes "heavier" girls? They put up with his bullshit.

I must say, of course, that this is not always the case. But it does happen. A lot.


So yeah. I have confidence, and I feel good about my body. I'm proud of it, and am more than happy to show it off.
But let's be frank here. If Jared or Jensen, Val or Maks, Brad Pitt, or any of the boys that I talk about being so dreamy and hot were to come up to me at a bar, I would think it was a sick joke. Because boys like that don't talk to girls that look like me. And when they do, it's for the reasons above.

Welcome to the world of "plus-size" modeling. It's a funny, funny place.

Princess Kelley


  1. Nicely put :)

    I'm actually inclined to say that we make more out of labels than is really justifiable - and, honestly, that's the fault of porn, where every taste is catered for, and where they needed a label for women who actually have a little meat on their bones, given that skinny and slender is often typified as 'ideal'. In reality, that's not the case, and the number of women who actually fit that body type are far fewer in number than those who don't - and that's GOOD. For all we talk about 'normal' women being more curvy, that's actually the reality and the *preference* for most of us - porn/media tells us that the ideal woman has big breasts, a tight butt, long legs and a waist you can curve your hand around, but is that *actually* what guys want?

    More to the point, the so-called 'Chubby Chasers' are a) stereotyping you based on your body image and b) want your body, not YOU. Anyone who dates purely on a physical type needs to get out more - your body changes over time, and is never going to be the same from one moment to the next, unless you spend an ungodly amount on medications, cosmetics and hours spent in the gym. Oh, and only by eating salads. Forever. And that screams 'insecure', too - if you're spending that much time on how you look, you're advertising that you only feel attractive when you look like that, and don't factor in YOU i.e. your personality, your sense of humour, your ability to engage with the opposite sex. All those make you just as, if not more, attractive than what you look like. I've said so before :p

    By the way: I'm a guy. Yes, even we have body issues. Me, I have broad shoulders, I'm tall, but not as muscular as I'd like. I don't fit into the 'ideal', as most of us don't - and that doesn't bother me, because I'm more than my body. More to the point, any decent partner would recognise and appreciate that, and want me for more than my body. Yeah, it's good to be thought of as sexy and attractive, because that's always a plus, but I don't want to be excluded on the basis of whether or not I have a six-pack, any more than you would because you're not a size 4 (or something equally nonsensical). So people who chase after others solely on that's shallow and demeaning, but really says more about their insecurities than yours or mine.

    Conclusion: you're beautiful, and project this in many ways. Anyone who doesn't appreciate the variety of ways in which this is true isn't appreciating YOU, regardless of whether or not they think you're sexy. I'm glad you take offense at that, though. It's good to be proud of how you look :)

  2. No matter how much they protest, women are slaves of the media.
    The media likes size 2 because it's easy to make/promote.
    Who invented the term "plus size" ?
    A gay dude maybe?

  3. Being a heavy set man most of my adult life ,i have met many wonderful ladies some were thin some heavy set as well . I do prefer the full figured lady ( i dont use chubby chaser ,it doesn't sound right to me ) I may use pleasingly plumb ,curvy lady but never chubby chaser . Main thing to be yourself ,not to let others get to you ,look the way you want to look whether you a size 4,12 16 i'm quite sure you will always look great .Myself i'm in my mid 50's now and i always call those with "meat" full figured gals and its meant to be a compliment only .Its a shame that these days there are people like that guy but its the world we live in everyone is judging everyone . As to "plus size" not sure were it came from i would say it would be someone who is a size 6 or bigger these days judging what the media thinks

  4. "I would really like to go back to being an 8/10, and am finding it strange that apparently there isn't a market for that."

    Yeah. It's really unfortunate because that's right where I am also at my healthiest and happiest too.

    I am a hair under 5'8" and 135-145 is in the charts as the mid-high range of my healthy weight and also where I feel best. Under 135 I am ravenous and tired from not eating enough or worn out from long workouts. Over 145 my body just isn't happy either, and has a harder time getting from A to B.

    But those are where I got the most positive feed back. When I was a bit too heavy for me, it was all "I LOVE your boobs!" When I was under weight, it was all "WOW you look GREAT in a Bikini!" At both my heaviest and skinniest, my ass looks proportionately bigger so I got a LOT of compliments on my "fat" ass.

    Guys, saying someone has a "fat" ass or making "compliments" based on racial stereotypes are both highly offensive things. Please stop.

    Any who: no where did anyone consider my actual well being. A lot of people who perv pics don't really care about the person in the picture's well being. Some do, but a LOT do not. They forget there is a warm blooded human being at the other end of the lens with feelings and a body unique as it is beautiful, with its own needs. They want to perv and like and comment without any sort of emotional responsibility for the party at the other end. Its all about living their fantasy.

    Which is all good and well, EXCEPT there is a person with feelings at the other end of the lens, not just a figment of someone's horny imagination.

    I am happiest at a size 8/10, and feel healthiest regardless of the charts that say I could be, oh, 20 lbs lighter and the guys that like my tits better when I'm heavier.

    I am so not in demand right now that it's not even funny :-P

    Good thing I have a book to read. Books: they're better than douchebags and creepers any day!

    Peace Out!

    Adriane, aka Greeneyez6144

  5. You're hot as hell and should have all the confidence in the world. You look like a woman, whatever the fetish most men have with wanting their women to have the body of a 12 year old boy I'll never understand. Also, screw the media, all they want is for you to buy the products they advertize to make more money off of you anyway, and as for 'plus sized' there isn't anything 'plus' about you, what is abnormal is women who look like they were just released from a concentration camp, you on the other hand are smokin'.

  6. Your interpretation of his message sounds right on. And I don't mean that those things are all true about "plus sized" women, but that many do seem to think those things about larger women. Along the lines of bigger ladies putting up with more, some think they also put out more. That they must have low self esteem and therefore will be easy. Though I've also heard the kinky=easy perception many times as well. It's all annoying as stereotypes usually are.

  7. Why is it ok for all these people to insult thin people by saying things like, they starve themselves to be that way or "having the body of a 12 year old boy"? Here is a news flash for all the idiots, its not ok to insult anyone whether they are big or thin, its mean to either person.

    I agree 100% with your take on the guys message to you, its exactly what I would of seen reading it. He obviously has self esteem issues of his own and that has colored his choice in partners.

    I happen to be a naturally thin woman, I am in my mid 30s and have never been bigger than a size 6 but currently hover around a 2 to 4. By naturally thin I mean I eat normally and that includes fast food and sweets and normal portions yet I stay around my current weight. I do not gorge myself but I do eat a normal amount and in fact have a weakness for sweets which I indulge in too much. Sometimes its genes not starvation that makes someone thin and they should not be judged for that. My body is well proportioned which means by breast are only a B cup as is the case with most thin women unless they get implants and what have I always coveted? yep big boobs because we all suffer with self esteem issues even if we are thin.

    Heres another piece of information for some of the commenters, not all thin women look like a 12 year old boy. I happen to have naturally large hips for my frame, commonly called child bearing hips and I have been called curvy many times even at a size 4 because I have curves even without extra weight. People comes in all shapes and sizes , some are thin with curves, some big and straight up and down, some vise versa and some all together different and many are naturally that way without surgery or starvation or subscribing to the medias version of an ideal and to assume that all thin women are starving, image obsessed, bitches who have had plastic surgery and slather themselves with beauty products is as absurd as saying a big woman cant be or isnt beautiful or that they wouldnt be just as pretty if they gained or lost 50 pounds because they would still be themselves and just as pretty either way.

    I am a perfectly lovely and sweet woman who is not hungry and I am also nice and considerate and loving to my husband because he is that way to me, as well as to my two kids (even though they are not always as nice to me ;) )so apparently thin women are capable of being good human beings too, who would of thought.

  8. Let's just feel good about ourselves boys and girls. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and isn't all that important anyway (Well unless you're a model maybye). To quote the classics; "size matters not" ;)

    Icelandic reader.

  9. I just blogged about a Dove video in which a woman describes herself and an artist paints a picture of the woman. Then he paints a picture of another person describing that woman. And putting the two pictures side by side, the drawing of the woman from the other person's description looks better than the one from her own description.

    It is not surprising that women tend to be critical of themselves. It seems to be in the female genes.

    And, Princess, if you don't mind some advice, ignore the men who are chubby chasers (never heard that term before) or are interested in you because of looks. They are men out there who will be interested in YOU, interested in your personality. By the way, I think you look great but I also enjoy your blog. Any mature guy would be happy to talk to you.


    1. I agree with the final thought of this reply wholeheartedly. People of good character are inspired to love not by looks but by spirit and beauty is a term that encompasses the full entity and being of a person at least spiritually

  10. you know kelly i guess some guys or girls have to have a certain amount of physical attraction to someone but as for myself as i think back that has never played a part in me dating or being with someone. i have dated 110lb girls and also 200 plus girls. reason being if they don't have a good heart and personality then they are not going to treat you well. that's a hard lesson i learned with my ex-wife. i guess that's why i choose to stay single now because people are hard to read. anyone however who judges you by saying your preety for a big girl or nice for a curvy girl is not worth getting upset over because they just sound shallow to me. i'm 6'1 255lbs and could care less if anyone thinks i'm big or not. my personal opinion of you is-mind you i only know you by what you post here and on twitter-is that you have a good heart and an amazing personality. keep your chin up, don't settle for less that you deserve and i promise you will find someone to treat you like the lady (or princess) that you are.

  11. _255? Girls won't date chubby dudes with big butts.

  12. "8/10 there isn't a market for that" Wow! That statement really floored me. Who cares if there is a market? Just be who and what you are you don't need a darned market!

  13. I do not spend much time or energy thinking about my tastes, but I have noticed three things.

    1) It sounds like people have explicit parameters, criteria, or checklists for beauty. It seems strange to me that people work so hard to find other people unattractive. I generally consider beauty to be a legitimate good, so I avoid negative judgments as much as possible.
    2) These discussions about size and shape feel unnatural to me. I do not compare women to each other, or to some standard of beauty. It seems that would be an irrational waste of energy bound to reduce my emotional well-being. I prefer to appreciate individuals, and then move on to important tasks.
    3) The more I know and like a woman's personality, the more physically attractive I perceive her. I think it is because most of what we see at any given time is actually a recreation by our brain, and so my brain emphasize things like eye color in women that I like as people. (I have not observed a negative effect for women I dislike.)

    I am still trying to figure it out, so comments are appreciated.