So I just spent the past hour responding to a message from a guy that was essentially asking why being a "chubby chaser" was offensive. That itself probably wouldn't have merited re-posting and a further discussion. However, the nature of his reasoning reminded me of an underlying truth that I think needs to be brought to light and discussed.
Let me start this by saying, I am always flattered when someone thinks I'm pretty, regardless of the reason, and bothers to tell me so. K&P this time around has been inspiring, and amazing. I am grateful, and do feel great about people's responses.
However the "for a heavy/curvy/big girl" gets old really fast, as does the "damn I love me some thick/fat/chubby girls!" Honestly, the second more so than the first. The first is generally by someone with whom I hold agreement on most things beautiful- a list to which I have now simply been added. It just pisses me off that they have to add a caveat to my beauty, and that they are surprised by the fact that a "not thin girl" can be pretty. I am starting to think that I actually shouldn't bitch at those people though. But rather should encourage them to continue to look at girls in that way, and continue to be surprised, until they aren't anymore.
The second though... dude, don't call me any of those things! I don't want to be any of those things! And you telling me I am kinda just killed any of the new found confidence I might have achieved by someone liking my image! *facepalm*
The truth of the matter is that we live in a society of extremes when it comes to body issues. We have an "obesity" epidemic according to everyone. According to me we have an eating disorder epidemic and one of those is over-eating. You are either thin or you are fat. There is no in between. When people go on TV to lose weight, they don't stop when they have hit a healthy, easy to maintain and reasonable weight. No. They go until they literally can not become any smaller without endangering their own health. Because that's what's beautiful.
Well apparently, according to a bunch of messages I have received, there is a market for heavier girls to be "beautiful" as well, but only when they are actually heavy girls. I have been reblogged on tumblr by ever "size 14 plus" type blog there is at this point. I was directed to multiple BBW sites. People saying, you would be great here!
I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. I don't want to be segregated off with these heavier women and categorized as just that.
First of all, I'm a size 12. And it's as heavy as I ever want to be. And I'm going to be kinda harsh here. I don't generally go for anyone heavier than me. That is not to say that I don't think heavier than that can be beautiful. It absolutely can! But I also think that a size 0 can be beautiful. Which apparently makes me weird. I need to love one or the other.
Well I don't! I love the female form in all its various shapes and sizes. My personal preference? Size 4-10. I would really like to go back to being an 8/10, and am finding it strange that apparently there isn't a market for that. I need to be plus size or skinny. One or the other.
So someone lumping me in with a site devoted to guys who love girls that are all that size... just... guh! I AM MORE THAN MY SIZE!
Now that that is out of the way, here is the other harsh truth. Why is it that some guys like heavier girls? And I don't mean someone who can get behind a skinny girl, a medium girl or a heavy girl. I mean the people that just want the heavier girls. Because this is a confusing thing to many people. And please don't tell me it's that they are "real" (we've been through that discussion already) or that they are "more natural looking" or "not a stick" or that they are "more comfortable to snuggle with" because all of those things could apply to a size 6. [And dear lord, never tell a woman she is comfy to snuggle with unless she starts that line of thought.]
So this brings me to the email I received. I am going to just post parts of it, and then parts of my response. But I think it's really indicative of how SOME men see heavier women. All spelling/grammar left as is.
My question is what is wrong with being a "chubby chaser"? I typically consider myself one. I know it is probably a horribly offensive term. It is not ment to be on my end. Simply stated I like a woman that isn't a toothpick. I don't like a skinny mini. I like a woman with curves and an appetite. Curvey women also tend to have personalities and feelings. So couple that with all of the other positives like being more comfortable to snuggle with, more likely to actually care what a person thinks, and a less inflated self image. I could go on and on. The bottom line is that the sexiest thing about a curvey or "chubby" woman like you is that you have enough self confidence to know you aren't the type of woman society promotes and yet you still put yourself out there for the world to see.My response (in part):
There is nothing wrong with preferring heavier women in an of itself. However, the reasons you have given me- not very good ones.
Let me start by saying that the term "chubby chaser" is horribly offensive. I don't want to be chubby. Nor do I consider to a compliment, or something that applies to me....
...What I read from what you posted is essentially this:
"Chubby women have gone through life being ridiculed and made to feel like they are less than. They therefore have low self-esteem and don't think much of themselves. They also tend to be funnier and often more overtly gregarious (though this is almost always a front) because in order to get the same love and attention as a child as their pretty counterparts, they needed to be funny or kind or some other thing that made them worthy of affection. This means that as an adult they are more likely to stay with a man who doesn't treat them as well, because they don't believe they are deserving."
I realize that you have probably never looked at it like that, but it's the truth behind how you feel. I will dissect a bit farther if you don't mind.
"Curvey women also tend to have personalities and feelings"
This is not something specific to curvy women. Plenty of thin women have personalities and feelings. What you are meaning to say is that they have a bigger personality and more damage (/feelings- interchangeable in this context) because they have learned to compensate
"more likely to actually care what a person thinks"
There is no correlation between a woman's size and how much she cares about what you think. There IS however, possibly a correlation between a woman's size and how likely she is to put up with someone else's drama/bullshit/opinions. Maybe she thinks a guy is self centered and only cares about his feelings, but because she is heavier, she has less self worth, and therefore puts up with his flaws for longer because she doesn't think she can do better.
"a less inflated self image"
Most thin women don't have inflated self images. Most thin women have a healthy self image. Most heavier women have a LOW self image. If you think a chubby girls self image is simply "not inflated" you seem to be of the opinion that women shouldn't think very highly of themselves.
"The bottom line is that the sexiest thing about a curvey or "chubby" woman like you is that you have enough self confidence to know you aren't the type of woman society promotes and yet you still put yourself out there for the world to see"
Please don't ever call my chubby again, but THIS is valid. Confidence is a sexy thing. And by going against the grain, I suppose I show more confidence. But this doesn't really fit with the rest of what you are saying.
In general, it sounds to me like you have had some problems with a couple or maybe just one thin woman and you have decided they are all horrible. Or that you're a jerk or not a good partner in some way and have therefore chosen to pick women with less self worth that will put up with it. I don't know you and don't want to judge TOO much, so my guess is the former- just a bad experience with the "pretty" girls. And that makes sense. Because the "pretty girls" can be bitches. Especially if you're not up to "their standard." But trust me, heavier women can be bitches too.
There is nothing wrong with loving all women for who they are. But don't say you like chubby women because they have better personalities. Just love all women. :) We are a very mixed bag, that has very little to do with our dress size.
Sorry this was so harsh. I just think you should take a look at why you feel the way you do at a deeper level.
Ok, like I said, I know my response was harsh. But as I wrote, it screamed "heavy girls don't love themselves and therefore won't leave me."
And this is something I have witnessed time and time again in my life. It's something I have personally experienced. A smoking hot guy will pick the pretty but heavier girl and build her up while simultaneously putting her down. Everyone will remind her how "out of her league" he is. And she will always be grateful to have him.
But the reason he likes "heavier" girls? They put up with his bullshit.
I must say, of course, that this is not always the case. But it does happen. A lot.
So yeah. I have confidence, and I feel good about my body. I'm proud of it, and am more than happy to show it off.
But let's be frank here. If Jared or Jensen, Val or Maks, Brad Pitt, or any of the boys that I talk about being so dreamy and hot were to come up to me at a bar, I would think it was a sick joke. Because boys like that don't talk to girls that look like me. And when they do, it's for the reasons above.
Welcome to the world of "plus-size" modeling. It's a funny, funny place.