I am a liar. Every single day I tell an untruth, to someone, somewhere. I hide things, I deceive, I mask the real story. I’ve been doing it all my life, and I must say, I’ve gotten quite good at it. I’m not sure if that’s something I should be proud of or not, but it is a fact. I am an excellent liar.
Every day on here, I lie about my name. I’m vague on the details of where I live, and I won’t pin down what school I go to. Hell, I won’t even show you my face.
Every day in life, I lie about my relationships. I tell people I met my ex in a Chinese restaurant, and that the reason I can’t sit is because I fell down the stairs. I tell my parents I went to Boston to see my friends from school- not a total lie, just a fib, I tell myself. But honestly, I think very little of it. The stories I create flow right off the tongue. I weave webs of deceit so thick, sometimes I can’t find my way out of them.
And yet, I am known amongst my family, friends, and even enemies as a very open and honest person. It’s something I even pride myself on. I tell it like it is. I don’t mince words, and I rarely if ever, censor myself. I’m the “Queen of the Over-share,” as one friend put it. People believe my lies because I say so much.
Sometimes I wonder if these aspects of my life are related, and now, as I write about it, its undeniably clear that they are. I’m extra open and extra honest to make up for the chunks of my life I can’t share. I don’t hide my emotions, and I am not a guarded person. I’m quick to love and feel. I’m emotional and rash, and I live my life as openly as possible. You want to know something? Just ask, and I will tell you far more than you ever wanted to hear. It’s a quality that gets me into trouble sometimes, and often gets me hurt, but it’s one of the things people really respect about me I think.
And the same is true on here. I want to be more open, and it is always back and forth because of that. But at the same time, I share far more of the spanking aspect of my life than I ever thought I would have. All of my hidden desires, ones more obscene than spanking even, bare for the world to read. Photos of me, naked and exposed, all laid out. And why? Just because I love attention? That doesn’t seem to cover enough for me. I think part of it is that I hate having this part of my life so hidden. I hate having to lie to my best friends. I hate not being able to truly be myself anywhere. My life needed another side. A ying to my vanilla yang. I still have to lie and to hide and conceal, but at least its different this time.
Talking to fellow spankos has changed my life. Of that I am sure. The relationships spankos are able to form are so intense, that it can almost be overwhelming sometimes. I’m an intense person to begin with as well, so as you may imagine- that is not always a good thing. With spankos the intensity is even more pronounced because there are no walls, no secrets. If someone not only knows my deepest darkest secret, but shares it, what else is there to hide? I feel this rush, this need to bare my soul, as though I’ve been alone all my life.
This passion in my spanking life also causes problems in my vanilla life. I’ve become so involved in the spanking world because suddenly there are people who I can share that half of my life with, that I have on occasions neglect the vanilla world, and I’ve missed out on part of the best time of my life. No matter how much I love my friends at school, now that I’ve gotten involved in the scene, if they don’t know about this part of my life, my relationship with them can never been as real as with those who know the whole truth. But that doesn’t mean I don’t need the vanilla world any less than I need the spanking world.
I have 3 vanilla friends who know about my life as a spanko. Both of my previous roommates (one lives in India, the other in France) and my best friend, Francesca. I didn’t even tell her until I started seeing Edward (my first spanker) last summer, and I only told her then to explain why I was dating someone 25 years older than me. She understands, on a fairly deep level, and for that I can never truly express my gratitude. She and I are closer than ever, as she is the only person on this planet with whom I share my entire existence. All of my spanking friends have separate vanilla lives from me. But the drive to bridge those gaps is always so strong. The pull to tell you all everything is overwhelming. Sometimes I even wish everyone just knew about this side of me, just so I could stop lying. It really is exhausting.
I find that I frequently drive away spanko men with my intensity and openness. I don’t play games, and I don’t hide my feelings. I don’t see the point. I know that kind of honesty so quickly in a relationship is not a good thing, and not how relationships should be formed. Of course they shouldn’t be formed on lies, but diving head first into a pool without checking to see the depth of the water is not smart either.
But I can’t help myself. I want to be free from my lies. I want to be free from my secrets. So other than spanking to vanillas, and my specific identity to spankos, I have no secrets. I just can’t keep them.
I am a liar, a secret keeper, and I am dying to be free. But freedom would come with a price. One that I’m not willing to pay. So I will continue to live and continue to lie, just as I have for the last 20 years, and I will pray that one day I will learn to tell the truth.
Tell all the truth but tell it slant
Success in Circuit lies
To bright for our infirm delight
The truth’s superb surprise
As lightening to the children eased
With explanation kind
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind.