Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Life of a Secret Keeper

I am a liar. Every single day I tell an untruth, to someone, somewhere. I hide things, I deceive, I mask the real story. I’ve been doing it all my life, and I must say, I’ve gotten quite good at it. I’m not sure if that’s something I should be proud of or not, but it is a fact. I am an excellent liar.

Every day on here, I lie about my name. I’m vague on the details of where I live, and I won’t pin down what school I go to. Hell, I won’t even show you my face.

Every day in life, I lie about my relationships. I tell people I met my ex in a Chinese restaurant, and that the reason I can’t sit is because I fell down the stairs. I tell my parents I went to Boston to see my friends from school- not a total lie, just a fib, I tell myself. But honestly, I think very little of it. The stories I create flow right off the tongue. I weave webs of deceit so thick, sometimes I can’t find my way out of them.

And yet, I am known amongst my family, friends, and even enemies as a very open and honest person. It’s something I even pride myself on. I tell it like it is. I don’t mince words, and I rarely if ever, censor myself. I’m the “Queen of the Over-share,” as one friend put it. People believe my lies because I say so much.

Sometimes I wonder if these aspects of my life are related, and now, as I write about it, its undeniably clear that they are. I’m extra open and extra honest to make up for the chunks of my life I can’t share. I don’t hide my emotions, and I am not a guarded person. I’m quick to love and feel. I’m emotional and rash, and I live my life as openly as possible. You want to know something? Just ask, and I will tell you far more than you ever wanted to hear. It’s a quality that gets me into trouble sometimes, and often gets me hurt, but it’s one of the things people really respect about me I think.

And the same is true on here. I want to be more open, and it is always back and forth because of that. But at the same time, I share far more of the spanking aspect of my life than I ever thought I would have. All of my hidden desires, ones more obscene than spanking even, bare for the world to read. Photos of me, naked and exposed, all laid out. And why? Just because I love attention? That doesn’t seem to cover enough for me. I think part of it is that I hate having this part of my life so hidden. I hate having to lie to my best friends. I hate not being able to truly be myself anywhere. My life needed another side. A ying to my vanilla yang. I still have to lie and to hide and conceal, but at least its different this time.

Talking to fellow spankos has changed my life. Of that I am sure. The relationships spankos are able to form are so intense, that it can almost be overwhelming sometimes. I’m an intense person to begin with as well, so as you may imagine- that is not always a good thing. With spankos the intensity is even more pronounced because there are no walls, no secrets. If someone not only knows my deepest darkest secret, but shares it, what else is there to hide? I feel this rush, this need to bare my soul, as though I’ve been alone all my life.

This passion in my spanking life also causes problems in my vanilla life. I’ve become so involved in the spanking world because suddenly there are people who I can share that half of my life with, that I have on occasions neglect the vanilla world, and I’ve missed out on part of the best time of my life. No matter how much I love my friends at school, now that I’ve gotten involved in the scene, if they don’t know about this part of my life, my relationship with them can never been as real as with those who know the whole truth. But that doesn’t mean I don’t need the vanilla world any less than I need the spanking world.

I have 3 vanilla friends who know about my life as a spanko. Both of my previous roommates (one lives in India, the other in France) and my best friend, Francesca. I didn’t even tell her until I started seeing Edward (my first spanker) last summer, and I only told her then to explain why I was dating someone 25 years older than me. She understands, on a fairly deep level, and for that I can never truly express my gratitude. She and I are closer than ever, as she is the only person on this planet with whom I share my entire existence. All of my spanking friends have separate vanilla lives from me. But the drive to bridge those gaps is always so strong. The pull to tell you all everything is overwhelming. Sometimes I even wish everyone just knew about this side of me, just so I could stop lying. It really is exhausting.

I find that I frequently drive away spanko men with my intensity and openness. I don’t play games, and I don’t hide my feelings. I don’t see the point. I know that kind of honesty so quickly in a relationship is not a good thing, and not how relationships should be formed. Of course they shouldn’t be formed on lies, but diving head first into a pool without checking to see the depth of the water is not smart either.

But I can’t help myself. I want to be free from my lies. I want to be free from my secrets. So other than spanking to vanillas, and my specific identity to spankos, I have no secrets. I just can’t keep them.

I am a liar, a secret keeper, and I am dying to be free. But freedom would come with a price. One that I’m not willing to pay. So I will continue to live and continue to lie, just as I have for the last 20 years, and I will pray that one day I will learn to tell the truth.

Tell all the truth but tell it slant
Success in Circuit lies
To bright for our infirm delight
The truth’s superb surprise
As lightening to the children eased
With explanation kind
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind.
-Emily Dickenson


Princess Kelley


  1. What a lucid piece of writing. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Kelly,

    Here's a post I wrote in 2006. As you see, I totally understand your dilemma.


  3. You are not alone. I think we are all going through similar challenges here, trying to carefully navigate the vanilla and kink worlds simultaneously.

    I need to read this amazing post again actually.....which I'm gonna do right now.


  4. Having a fetish like this isn't easy under the best of conditions. It can be hard to understand these feelings, and even harder to know how and who to tell about them (ironic since the latest science tells us these desires are common.)

    What you're doing here is absolutely fantastic, and I would bet that nearly everyone here can identify with at least some of what you're saying. I just hope that you are getting some perspective you seem to be seeking out of what you're writing, and writing so beautifully.

  5. I wish I had your courage at 20. I've known what I've wanted for a long time, but have never fully reconciled my two worlds.

  6. So... I think I qualify as a vanilla friend in the sense that I am part of your vanilla life, as you are part of mine, but I am not vanilla. Just saying.

    Francesca (the one true Princess)

  7. What you're saying is too true. It sucks, but it's true.

    There is a duality in all our lives that have alternate lifestyles. Unfortunately our country is not tolerant enough of opposing views and that one must create an alternate identity to even talk about it.

  8. When you are without a Daddy how are you disciplined? My disciplinarian punished me from long distance last week and it was awful! I had lied and disobeyed him and deserved a bare bottom spanking but was thinking I was skating free and easy because it was going to be 6 weeks befor he was coming home. Let me tell you if you have never had a spanking long distance without a hand ever touching your fanny you dont want to have this punishment assigned to you!
    I had to buy a new heating pad, and a large tube of extra strength BenGay . He put us on speaker phone and I had to put that new heating pad without its cover on high on a stool with no back or arms, we have one that doesnt have a rung available to rest my feet. I was sent to take a HOT bath and then instructed to dry myself except my bottom which I was onnly allowed to pat gently dry. I was then instructed to put a large portion of Bengay in each of my hands and apply it thickly to my entire already warm and tender bottom. The large amount of the nasty cream left a thick layer and before I was even finished applying my bottom was on FIRE! I cried and begged and was sharply told that if I didnt mind immediately I could apply a dob to my bottom hole. Oh and in case you arent sure what entire bottom means, it includes inside your cheeks. Once applied I was sent to sit on that hard stool with a scorching hot heatng pad right under my bottom. My disciplinarian doesnt believe in fast spankings and so I sat on that stool while he gave me the exact lecture he would be giving me if it was his hand burning my bare bottom and he made me sit there for 30 minutes. So ladies that think they have it rough when they are made to deliver some ill placed and hardly sharp smacks to their own bottoms be lucky your man hasn't found whatever god awful blog my man found this punishment on! I admit it doesnt leave a mark like a spanking can but it was just as painful and very effective. I will think again before I tell a lie.

  9. I think a certain degree of lying or dissembling and concealing is a necessity even for those who are, as you say, "vanilla". I have found from painful experience (emotional not pphysical) that TMI about yourself can scare the good people away and let the predators know that there is fresh game around.

  10. I prefer to think of our subterfuge in the same light as the French Resistance in WWII. The vanillas know we're out here, but we can never be stopped. Redchief

  11. My post yesterday morning was in haste on the way to work, and while I stand by it, I do not feel the thought was complete. Dave, Bonnie and Forest have already given good comments here, so no need to repeat that.

    I have found it much easier to tell the truth and deal with the consequences than lie. Lies are too easily disproved. And you have to remember which person you told which lie. It all gets too confusing.

    As for not sharing your kink with the world and having an "alter" identity, that is simple self protection. Sure, I have two e-mail accounts. And I am very particular who gets to see "Redchief's" face. After all, I have a career (such as it is) and a family.

    As for outright lies, I urge you to avoid them. They will hurt you more than hiding something that is for you to decide who sees.

  12. The Lone Ranger and Tonto wear masks not for their own safety, but for the safety of the ones they love.

  13. Hi, Kelly-
    I've been reading your blogs since yesterday and i'm really surprised-in a good way- to know that there's someone exactly like me on the other side of the planet!
    plus, Your writings! They are as amazing as your lovely pics- I never get bored no matter how long they are. :) thanks for sharing

  14. One poem deserves another (tit for tat, you might say...)

    Tell the truth but let it slant
    lest you say something you can't
    take back, and then the bald remark
    will hover there all grim and stark
    Tell the truth in clever ways
    that let your prey escape you
    and let it be just as it may
    lest honesty undrape you
    and leave you there for all to see
    nude and quivering and cold
    Avail yourself of fantasy
    I think, Princess, you might agree
    'tis best to have a love to hold
    than be so lonesome, frank and bold
    veracicy for none, Cherie...
    for none save you, and one day, me.

    _Christopher James