Thursday, July 26, 2012

Mirror Mirror

Ok Team,

*frustrated glare and hands on hips, tapping toe*

Seriously???? Did not one single person in the entire spanking community see the movie Mirror Mirror? It's not even that bad of a movie- it's quite good actually! Julia Roberts is horribly miscast, but that aside, the movie is cute, and funny, and the girl playing Snow White (Lily Collins) is beyond words beautiful and the Prince is well, dreamy as all fuck.


A really really really good one!

How did I not hear about this before??? And, then, when I googled it, not only could I not find a clip, I couldn't find one single mention of it in the community. Just a couple vanilla blogs talking about the movie and that didn't approve of the "John Wayne like throw back spanking."

Well screw them because this scene is both adorable and hot as hell! I really don't want to ruin the movie for everyone (since you are ALL going to go rent it now) but I think this is basic Snow White type plot... a bit different from the norm for sure, but not too bad of spoilers... but just in case

****Spoilers Ahead******

So, we have already had some adorable interactions between Snow White and the Prince, but you will have to watch the movie to see them. Snow White is basically an uber good girl, and the Prince seems like he could be a bit of a pompous and presumptuous ass. She likes to make him say please for things. :) And he keeps ending up without his shirt *grins.* It's lovely.

So Snow has run away and is now living with the Dwarves who are bandits on stilts... yes stilts. The Prince was attacked by them at the beginning of the movie, and he is embarassed that he was mugged by dwarves! And now the Queen has been robbed, the Prince has been told Snow is dead.. yadayada.. WATCH THE MOVIE

There was a fantastic montage where the dwarves teach Snow how to be a bandit, and how to fight, and she looks adorable and somehow so sexy in her bandit outfit. In the montage she gets her butt smacked by the hilt of a sword a couple times during training which is a nice prelude to the main scene.

So the Prince comes with some men to capture the dwarves, but they are ambushed and Snow is now working with them and she ends up fighting the Prince! Who thought she was dead! And she is so mad that he is working for the Queen. His initial statement that he can't fight her becasue she is a girl is quickly overlooked when she does keep fighting.

And she tries so hard! But this is a sweet and determined girl with like a week of training versus a very tall, strong and strapping Prince who spent his life training. The scene is so hot in my opinion. It's one of the only times a sort of arrogance is sexy. It's an indulgent type of arrogance. Not to mention all of the deliciously S&M type positioning they end up in as he commands her to yield. 

So he fights her, and at first is surprised she is doing so well, but quickly takes control back, and then just indulges her by allowing her to keep fighting. They are fighting but he isn't exactly trying very hard. And when she messes up, instead of taking her down or actually hurting her, he spanks her with the hilt of his sword! And they show a close up! And she squeaks and rubs her very round tush. Three or four times!

Now this would already be just so hot- and this has happened in other movies during sword training scenes, and it's always hot (ie. Brad Pitt spanking his cousin in the movie Troy *swoon- damn that movie is hot*) but it doesn't end there! Normally it just happens and there is never mention of it. But then they are fighting, and he has had enough (she actually cuts him) and I believe his words are something akin to "Alright, enough of this nonsense." And he immediate takes her sword. He tells her to submit and know that she has lost, and then while smirking asks, "Or did you not learn enough from your spanking?"


I was watching this with my roommate in Paris and was totally not expecting anything- we just wanted a lighthearded movie to watch together. I just about DIED. I already thought this guy was hot- and I loved him in his other roles as well- andd then he went and said that! I love that old fashioned dominant indulgence... very cowboy and superhero like. You let your lady pretend that she is strong and can do it herself until you are either bored or she is gonig to hurt herself, and then put a stop to it.

What I think is really interesting is that I remember thinking this actor (Armie Hammer) was hot when he came on screen and for some reason my brain associated him with dominance... I wasn't wrong. Fun fact though, and a good lesson for all the young men who are now thinking that I have gone back on my "arrogance is never sexy" line. I haven't. This actor was the Winkelvoss twins in the Social Network. That is the most unsexy arrogance EVER. This Prince is hot arrogant. Because he is still nice, and sweet, charming, well mannered, and does learn from Snow that there is nothing wrong with saying please. :)

her Daddy is played by Sean Bean! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Like I didn't want to be her already!?!?

Perfectly beautiful, has the hottest Prince, learns to sword fight, gets spanked, and has the most awesome tiara ever (vintage Van Cleef and Arpeles, 72 Carats, and no cheap replica to buy, damnit!), and then she has one of my all time dream Daddies! Lucky bitch. :)

So yeah, I am in medieval castles all week, watched a Princess get spanked by a really hot Prince, and got to give into my exhibitionist streak some. So all in all, a really good week :)

Princess Kelley

Also, the Blue Hawaii spanking scene is not on Youtube OR Spankingtube! Such a travesty! Let's get on this team! I know somebody has that file on their computer. Don't lie. You know you do! lol :)

Friday, July 20, 2012

A Man Like Thor

Now can I please just have a man like that? Doesn't even need to be that perfect or...uhmm... sculpted....or a demi God!

Just someone who could make me feel as small by comparison as Natalie Portman looks in this shot.
And a man who would look at me with that exact expression of, um, "appreciation.". :) Who would just take me and do to me exactly what he is thinking of doing right there.

*licks lips*

Yes please!

God, those arms.... and shoulders... and chest.... and hands....and voice (you can't hear it from the picture obviously... but I can.... I hear it in my dreams)

*drooling and dripping*

Ok team, need a cold shower after that one!

Princess Kelley

Update: Lol, so wrote this on the train yesterday, then went to Neuschwanstein Castle this morning and was in the throne room, and I just could envision Thor standing there... all dominant and strong.... imposing and firm.... mmmmmmmmm
... I have never been turned on by architecture before! I mean, I'm an uber nerd who dies for a good Cathedral, goes to cities for one painting, and castles rock my socks off.... but still... this place was so epic!!!
Best day of the trip so far.
(Pictures don't do the inside of this place justice btw, and the outside really is that epic and amazing)

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Day 1 Part 2 of Sex, Drugs, and Bicycling

So I'm on the train for the third time today (not incluing the metro) and having a dorky cathedral-junkie amazing day, but I need to finish my story, which has become rather epic in lenght. I'm writing this in my journal and will type it later. (written 2 days ago)
So after a brief bit of reading, I selected the spot- "The Grey Area." The aptly named spot is frequently a winner of the Cannibus Cup (yes, that actually exists!) and a hole in the wall frequented by Willie Nelson, Woody Harrilson (fantastic pictures grace the stained and collaged walls) and locals alike. By hole in teh wall, they really mean it by the way. It's like a 10 ft by 10 ft room with a counter and two tiny tables.
I was under this apparently incredibly naive impression that pot was pot, like basil is basil. It's a plant! How many options can you have??? Imagine my surprise then when they handed me a menu with various names and descriptions, none of which said "one basic joint."

My brother told me to pick the one that sounded best for us (we were just getting one to split), and I chose a cannibus cup winner that apparently was supposed to taste good and be a happy, giggly high (I can't remember the name). I then proceeded to panic a bit that we didn't need 1, 2, 3, or 4 grams (our only listed purchasing options) and that maybe could we just tell them I've never done this before and could they pick? Or maybe explain? Do you know how to roll? Can they do it?? And what is a bong anyway????

"Just let me do the talking. Don't say anything. Actually, why don't you just go guard the bikes outside?"
I happily obliged (and then got distracted by a chocolate shop across the street where I indulged in my more typical vice. :)

We finally made it to Vondelpark - a beautiful place that feels similar to Central park but more European, and with fewer homeless people, more young people, more soccer, and a bit more hedonism. I located a nice spot under a tree, and after discussing what to expect, and how exactly one is supposed to smoke, he lit us up. High Kelley is apparently every high stereotype. Giggly, happy, difficult to understand, and someone who has the munchies and believes that EVERYTHING they say is super profound. It took longer to take effect tahn I anticipated, and I was kinda unimpressed at first. But then it hit, and it was a lot more fun that I thought it would be. It was like being that level of drunk right before you get sick but then you do more and you never tip over. Never get dizzy or sick, plus there is a bit of a difference that makes it really interesting and enjoyable. (My brother said this was the best he had ever done- not a total expert, but I'm not surprised either).
When everything got so bright... I felt I MUST capture!

My favorite part was that apparently the sun came out just a bit while I was at the peak (still not 100% sure that happened or whether it really was the pot or the jetlag, or a combo of all 3) and it freaked me out! I thought that everything just became brighter instantaneously for no reason!! The line between the sky and the trees felt so epic. I then opened my eyes as wide as I could and marvelled excitedly, exclaiming that it could get even bigger and even brighter lol! These sentences did not come out very well though, as I would be talking and then just stop and completely forget the topic. Or sentences would "get away from me," as I would say.

Grass felt so profound
Ex: "Everything is so bright! I can open them bigger and it becomes clearer and the colors! Oh the colors! Why can't I get a screen grab! And" *sees bird or blade of grass* "and and and.... the grass.... and" *my brother laughing hysterically* "that sentence got away from me."

As seen above in that sentence, I got very upset that I could't "screen grab" my eyes (meaning take an exact copy of my field of vision) and then thought it was extremely epic that actually you would need to "screen grab" your brain, and then upset again that that would look like my brain and not the trees (logic is hard when high). :) (This entire logic problem has made me come to a better understanding of my old "Hallucinating" professor that I hated so much last year. The whole "brains in vats" thing didn't make sense to me because I wasn't high, and clearly my professor was.

In terms of actually smoking I did pretty well, except I kept forgetting to exhale, lol. He said to take it then, then inhale and hold for a second to let the smoke permeate, then exhale. I used to be a synchrronized swimmer (a former teammate is currently in the Olympics) and a singer- I can hold my breath a long time. The first time was quite good. Some coughing after but apparently that is normal (the coughing is definitely the worst part). Then like the third time I really forgot until he snapped "breathe out!" Unfortunately, when i did I kinda choked on it, lol, and had a very scary coughing fit that lasted a good 5-10 minutes. Thought I might die, lol. And that everyone in the park thought, "oh the stupid American newbies!" My big bro was very impressed when I didn't let it stop my fun and still wanted more (I even lit it myself one time!)

After a couple hours he convinced me to give into the munchies that had overtaken and to venture out to try to find pizza by the slice or a donut (I was later proved wrong in my assertion that those don't exist in Europe. The city is filled with munchie friendly stands, lol.) Note to self: if you drink wine at dinner, the "it won't make you dizzy" clause is null and void. So after some of the worst and yet more perfect pizza and fettucini alfredo ever , we passed out in the hostel at 9, while it was still light out.

While I really loved my experience, the next day I was so hapy to be sober, and barely even wanted great wine with dinner. I am glad I did it, and I can say I did, and I now know what it's like. It was WAY more fun than I thought it would be. Can see how it would be easy to do all the time. But it's like my first glass of wine was a Mercault and this was my first joint- there is no where to go but down, lol. And I did it once- I never need to do it again. And I don't think I ever will.

Princess Kelley

Coming Next: sex museum, live sex show, peep show, red light district- the stuff y'all actually want to read about. *wink*

Friday, July 6, 2012

Day 1 of Sex, Drugs, and Bicycling

Disclaimer: I do not condone or encourage the use of any sort of recreational drug when they are illegal. Nothing morally wrong with pot, just not necessarily the best life choice especially since it can get you arrested. It won't make you cool, and nobody likes a dead-beat stoner. 

While Daddy and I were going through his things in preparation for the estate sale, we found a TON of old photos and ephemera from the 1960s. A lot of the photos were Daddy's (I especially loved the boy scout troop pictures for some reason- that and the amazing WWII photos of his and her parents), but much of it belonged to his late wife, Lynn, who was an amazing lady, but a bit of a hoarder.

Anyway, in an old wallet of hers from when she was in middle school (!) we found an old library card that made me extremely happy, and a hand written copy and a type writer copy of one of those quizzes that when you're young you send around on email asking your friends to fill out and score (Francesca has since explained to me that chain mail used to be in the actual mail, thus they existed before the internet). I thought it was amazing that we still do the exact same type of thing, but far more hardcore. Today's might read "how many boys have you kissed? How many guys have you given head to? Have you ever watched porn?" The 1960's version went more like "how many boys have you kissed? Have you ever necked while both girl and boy were in PJs? Have you petted above the waist? Has a boy ever made you (word that apparently meant horny in the 1960s but I now can't remember)?"

So fun fact about me, other than watching a lot of porn (which was not on this quiz- too taboo even for that context!) and buying a couple sex toys and learning to masturbate, I had done NOTHING sexual until college. I had my first kiss post graduation at the age of 18. So for fun, I took the quiz as my 17 year old self, and then as my 19 year old self. As a 17 year old, my quiz score labeled me as "A total square!" (less than 10 points). My 19 year old self however was on the other end. I will try to remember the labels on the list but I do distincly remember the last one, which was after the equivalent of total slut: "You lied." lol :)

So all that to say, it should come to no surprise to anyone that knows me that I had never done any sort of drug before two days ago, and that I still have never done any illegal drug. I didn't drink until I got to college (not for any moral high ground- just didn't like the taste, and I wanted to be different than other people), and after making it through middle school and high school without ever smoking weed, I kinda figured, why start now? And the pot scene at my school wasn't very large. Alcohol was plenty. Plus, I hate cigarette smokers, and for a long time in my life thought I was asthmatic (actually was related to my panic attacks).

So when my brother and I discovered that we were going to be in Amsterdam together (he is on an around the world trip and was passing through Europe at the same time I arrived in Amsterdam to start my trip), we started to think about what we could do while there. We really wanted to bond, and are trying to spend more time together and strengthen our relationship, and this seemed like a really good opportunity. Small problem. Amsterdam is good for 3 things for me: Sex, Drugs, and Art (well four if you count Tulips, but they aren't in season). I love sex and art. I assume my brother is a fan of sex as well, but of course we had NO desire to do look at sex shops and the like Together. And neither one of us does drugs. And so while I (the art history major whose entire trip is basically cathedral/museum/castel/cathedral/museum/repeat) could have been happy with 3 days of art and simply dissapointed that I didn't get to do the fun sex stuff, he would not has as much fun, and it wouldn't have given us the opportunity for the epic bonding stuff.

So drugs it is!

He messaged me a couple months ago saying that he thought we should do shrooms together and then go to a museum. One of his good friends had done it, and he just listened to a podcast on shrooms and their drug properties and felt confident in the safety. As he put it, "I'm not looking to do anything absurdly stupid here Kelley." I thought, that sounds fun. Then you'll leave and I'll go back and say "Oh! That's what that was." But I was also thinking, "Oh dear god, what have I gotten myself into!"

So after doing my own research, which involved talking to as many people as I could that I know do drugs what they thought, and all who know me well replied to shrooms with a unanimous "NO!" (My favorite was Francesca who mentioned that given my general hatred towards post-impressionism that if I was high and saw a painting I didn't like I might get really upset and end up on a bad trip.) Then one suggested that I seemed like someone who would enjoy pot the most. I can't do any stimulant (I don't even drink coffee) or I have panic attacks. Narcotics make me vomit. I am a generally anxious person, and I hate feeling nauseous. Pot was a logical and easy choice.

I still wasn't sure if I was going to do it (and I don't think he was either) when I got there, but on day one I was so jetlagged. On all my previous trips I have no idea what happened the first day because I was so deliriously tired that I don't remember. So I didn't want to do any of the things I REALLY wanted to see that day, and I knew we would both want to pass out by 9 (he just flew in from Asia) and my time in Amsterdam had recently been cut a day short so I was crunched for time. It had been drizzling all day, and the sun was finally coming out. I thought it was supposed to rain for the next two days. We just finished the Anne Frank House and I really wanted to go to Vondelpark, so I declared, "Lets go to a coffee shop (to buy weed) and then go smoke in the park! Two birds, one stone!"

So to my brother's surprise and I think a bit of pride in me, I busted out my Rick Steves guidebook and found us the best place to buy, and we headed off on our bikes. (Yes, where and how to smoke in Amsterdam is in the Rick Steves. Part of why I did it, and part of why I love Rick Steves.)

To be continued (with conclusion of drugs and then sex sex sex sex and sex!)

xoxo Princess Kelley

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Sex, Drugs, and Bicycling: 3 Days in Amsterdam

"Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin, but in truth it is a city of freedom. And in freedom, most people find sin."
                               -The Fault in Our Stars, John Green 

Oh howdy, have I ever!

In the last 3 days I have had some amazing firsts (and here I had been all jaded thinking there weren't any firsts left to have!). I went into an establishment that sells marijuana (legally), I smoked marijuana for the first time, I saw a live sex show, a peep show, and a lot of prositutes, and went to a museum that is devoted entirely to sex. All while nursing a cold, jetlagged, and with my older brother (shockingly and fortunately far less awkward than we worried it would be!).

Updating tomorrow with all the juicy details and pictures :)...

Princess Kelley