So I posted this on FetLife, but wanted to share it here as well. I am also going to add more personal elements here soon: about sex, and pain, heartbreak, birthdays, and feeling like a fool. But this is what I have for now.
So, the short version of what happened is that my Bf/Daddy Brett and I broke up. Or rather, he left me I should say. We (he) just decided that we are too different, and that we aren't meant to be together in the end. And it didn't make sense for us to stay together even if we are happy if we know it won't end in marriage.
The long of it, is that I am a basket case over this for a variety of reasons.
Yes, we are very different people. He is new to the kink world and a bit judgmental of those who are really in depth in it. He loves his vanilla life, and wants to protect it. He was however, very supportive of my work and what I've done, but also encouraging of my more recent desires to step back from the scene and go back to just being a girl who likes to do kinky things. I am used to living 24/7 lifestyle, but he and I both agreed that wasn't what I needed in my life right now, but I struggled to not want it.
He is a frat boy who likes to drink and party and have a good time. He's ridiculously social and charismatic. He loves the outdoors and adventurous things. He loves to workout and eat healthy. I, on the other hand, love fanfiction and sci fi. I struggle to make friends and often find social settings stressful. I adore museums, castles, cathedrals and pretty vistas (we share that last one). I am a recovering bulimic, and I am not in a position to be working out with someone or sharing diet tips. He's a gun toting, hard core, extremely vocal conservative. I am an out and proud pinko commie liberal who would argue with God. He is stubborn and uncompromising. I am stubborn and damaged.
So I know that in the end, we probably weren't right for each other. But it's incredibly difficult to see that now. Because of all the things I just said, only a few of them were things about him that I disliked. I like that he's outdoorsy and fit, social and friendly. I don't even mind that he's conservative! But the fact that I'm not... I can't change that about me. And I am scared that the men I am attracted too in general are men like that... and I can come along and have a good time, but... I am scared I am never going to be what the man I'm looking for wants.
It's also hard because we have the same goals, values, and ambitions. The important things in life. And we have love. We had happiness....
When all the other relationships have ended, I could justify it in my head as being for the better. I was rid of these toxic people that were weighing me down. So after a few days I almost always felt better just because they were gone. But with him... he's just one of the best men I've ever known. Let alone who has loved me! So giving that up... I just can't understand why someone would give up love even if it isn't right in the end. Love is such a precious thing....
So I'm in a rough place in my life. I am back to picking up broken pieces. I wasn't even finished fixing myself from the last one. But he was helping, and I thought it would better. He's the only man I've ever been with where I allowed myself to look into the future. We made plans... talked about our possible life together....I allowed myself to believe that I might actually get to have the things I have always dreamed of: a happy, stable vanilla life with children and a successful, wonderful man who spanks me every day! Something I'd given up on believing was possible... but now I had that, and it didn't work (and I know in part it didn't work because I broke it- he won't say it, but I don't believe him, lol). So either that man doesn't exist, or I will break it in the end.
It's hard to allow myself to believe that my dream will ever come true. Because I am hurting, and I want to protect myself. And I just don't know if I can go through this kind of pain anymore.
Apologies for all the pain and cryptic messages. It's just been a rather bang up birthday, lol.
I know that it will get better, and I know I am strong and can get through anything. I mean, God! Just look at what I've been through before! The sun will come up again. I'm just really getting tired of the dark.