So, sorry for the long pause in updates. Between TASSP (which starts in 36 hours) and the general upheaval with B, my mind has just been elsewhere. I had been planning to update about the situation with B on multiple occasions, but every time I thought I had a hold on it, it would change, lol. It was actually going really well though on the whole. I would say the summary was that we became best friends with kinky benefits and a lot of affection.
That was until yesterday.
Now, he isn't speaking to me, and I doubt that he ever will again. And I, once again, find myself heartbroken. But this time, it actually is my fault, and I am dealing almost more than anything else, with the pain of the guilt.
I was not a good friend. I was manipulative, and selfish, demanding and inconsiderate. I didn't mean to be any of those things, and I honestly didn't really know I was doing it. B seems to have bottled quite of bit of it in, which of course becomes a problem. Then after all of that, I accidentally (I actually had good intentions on this one) put him in jeopardy [I can't go into details on any of this]. So yeah. Went from feeling like I had the best friend in the world, to having a person that I love dearly (aside from the romantic love) be so furious at me to the point that I don't see him forgiving me or wanting to mend our friendship. At this point, it almost feels like he hates me...
And I have all of this guilt. That my actions and a few casual words hurt him so deeply. That I broke something so precious to me. Guilt, regret, shame, and a lot of anger. Fear and depression that this is how I am going to keep doing things. Driving away those that I love, even when I don't mean to. Even when they are really really good to me. That I will take advantage and just break the beautiful things....
But mostly I just hate that I hurt him. I hate the idea of him hating me. I have felt sick to my stomach all day. I just can't let it go. It's this thing that I broke and I am just desperate to fix it. But I don't know how, and I don't think that I can. Even if I could, I'm not sure that he's going to let me try. I just want to make it better! But I know that if I have any chance I just need to give him space (which I'm attempting to do) and that of course terrifies me that he will just be happier without me in his life at all and that'll be the end....
When we were together (and even once since), when I would get cranky or bitchy or start "breaking things" as we would say (when my fears or hormones would get the best of me, and I would just start doing or saying things that seemed designed to break our relationship apart), we might fight (we never had big fights, and he's only ever been mad at me like 3 times), but then he would spank me. He would just say "enough" and turn me over his knee. It would usually take out whatever ick was left inside of me that was causing me to break things. It would relieve my guilt at having fought with him (which was really big with me) even if it wasn't my fault. It would be the "magic reset button" not only for me, but for our relationship. We got a fresh start. Everyone forgiven and loved and things were good.
And now... it's wrestling with that moment when you remember that not everything can be fixed with a spanking. That not everything is forgivable. Or that even if they are, that not everyone will be forgiven (bc perhaps they are out of forgives, or because they don't deserve it). Spankings do not solve everything, despite my persistent belief to the contrary.
I have been texting with some old friends/tops today, just because I got to a REALLY dark place (also on my period, and stressed from TASSP, so that's making things extra lovely), and I knew I needed to talk to someone. And one of them was like "it's just a boy, you need to get over it." He also said "stop beating yourself up about it! You'll have over a hundred people there in two days willing to do it for you!" and then from another, "if he isn't going to forgive you, you're going to have to forgive yourself."
And I kinda just think that's all crap.
It isn't that he was/is my bf or my love. It's that he is a person that matters to me. And I hurt him. I deserve to feel hurt for that. I also am mad at me for breaking one of the best friendships I had going in my life right now. I hurt me. Again. So, it's not just something to be brushed away because it doesn't matter.
And the idea that if he doesn't forgive me, I have to forgive myself.... well I will probably have to on the things that I'm mad about hurting myself over. Like breaking the best thing I had in my life. Not ready to forgive myself for that one thought yet. And a big part of me feels like unless he forgives me, I don't get to be forgiven. I hurt him, and my guilt hurts me. So it's just.
The craziest is about other people spanking me. I know everyone will be spanking me, and trying to distract me this weekend. I will be stressed beyond belief about the party, so will get lots of stress relief. And I know people will see the pain in my eyes as I smile my hostess smile, and they'll try to make me feel better about it. But no matter how much pain was inflicted onto me, unless he said it was enough, it would never make me feel cleansed of it. I could have the skin whipped off my back, and I wouldn't feel forgiven, because I wouldn't BE forgiven.
It reminds me a lot of my self harm days. (Let's for the purpose of this story just say that they're completely behind me- which they are for the most part). I was never really bad about it (I have no scars), but I remember a really bad time with a bf (formerly known here as "the ex") when I was laying in bed with him and explaining that I wanted to because I was bad, and I wanted the guilt and shame feelings to go away. And he said "Kelley May, what would you say if I told you to go downstairs and get a knife because I was going to punish you by cutting up your arms? You would never let me punish you again right? So you are no longer allowed to punish yourself. Because clearly you don't know how to do it properly. And it's not your job. That's Daddy's job. So you aren't allowed to punish yourself anymore."
The difference was he was the one I thought I probably felt I wronged (or I felt I wronged myself perhaps), so it was easier. He still cared. He would spank me (beat me really) and I would be forgiven...
Whenever something happens in life that can't be fixed by a spanking, when the person who cared and forgave, stops caring and forgiving... I always feel like I've been lied to by spanking! Lol. Or by the spanking stories and fairy tales of DD that we tell ourselves. That someone will love you and be there for you and never leave no matter what you do. That the worst thing that will ever befall you is a very sore backside.... It's a dream and a delusion. And I'm mad I ever fell for it.
Guilt and shame. (Which, by the way, are also the entirety of bulimia interestingly enough in case anyone cared, lol). And the elusive forgiveness.
How do you get it? How do you know if you deserve it? How can you forgive yourself when they won't? And why can't spanking solve all the world's problems? It's a magic reset button.
I wished it worked for everything.
I would do anything to prove to him that I can be a better friend to him.... I just hope he'll let me. :(
PS. I promise that at some point my blog will stop being so depressing. But then my life would need to be consistently not depressing for a while... hm... I can at least promise discussions of TASSP after the fact. :)