Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Agency, (In)dependence, and Singleness

Hey Team,

So I don't think that I ever would have thought I would say this, but I very much believe it to be true: the best thing a top has ever done for me is refuse to give me rules.

But I've been learning a lot of things lately- some surprising, some not so much. But all rather profound, and all pointing me in a direction that feels hopeful and positive. After so many weeks of feeling like the dark was overwhelming and never going to pass... thinking that I had destroyed my entire future... that there just wasn't someone out there for me... that life really didn't have a point to it anymore... after all that heartache and despair, I am so happy to say that I can feel the sun on my face. I don't just see a future, I see a happy future. My future, full of possibility, love, and joy. Purpose, meaning and drive... feeling them come back to me.

And the part I am most excited about? It is only in part due to the new boy.

He isn't rescuing me. He is cheering me on while I rescue myself. And for that, he is my hero.

Brett and I met a month ago at the last Bottoms Up party. He was there with another girl, who I assumed was his girlfriend. I remember thinking, "Damn! So hot. Of course he's taken." Found out when we met again at TNG two weeks later that she actually wasn't. He was completely and utterly single. (So refreshing!) And just as hot.

25. That's right: 25! Texan. Single. Monogamous. Educated. Successful. Passionate. Kind. Funny. Caring... Just a really good man. I could go on forever, but will just talk about him in another post. I have other things to say now. :)

So it became pretty obvious right off the bat that we were going to fall hard and fast. We have So much in common past kink. Kink often became an afterthought in our conversations. But we have that in common as well- ours line up almost perfectly (just me with a great deal more experience). So we talked. A lot. We tried really hard not to. I was single goddamnit! And I wanted to stay that way.

And HE wanted me to stay that way too! And not for the annoying reasons, but for all the right ones. Wanted me to be able to have that time for me. To grow and to heal. And said he would wait for me. Promised to wait for me.

But since when do I wait?

I figured, we could date, and I could just "date me too" as I said. It would be casual, easy! So he took me out on my first date in 3 years. That he planned. Picked me up. Paid for dinner. All that good stuff. :) Promised not to let me get naked.

14 hours of talking later, I was still fully clothed, but I was beyond hooked. And so far past terrified. This boy was a threat to all the strides I had made. All the success I had made being single. To my feelings of independence, agency, happiness, control, self worth... this boy was there to take them all away. But he was perfect! What was I supposed to do???

He said he would wait. He kept saying he would wait for me. He didn't want to but he would. But I didn't think there was a time frame for feeling all of those things. And when I talked to him about it. About how scared I was of my feelings for him and how quickly things were moving, he said the simplest but most profound thing. Something along these lines:
"If that is what you are fighting for babe, it has nothing to with being single. Because those are all things you need to feel forever."

And thus I came to the realization that I didn't have to stay "single" in the literal sense to keep all of the wonderful joys I had gained. Those things- independence, agency, and control- are a daily struggle. Because I am out of practice! lol. But they are important. And fighting myself to keep them while with him is making me so much stronger.

So when I say that best thing a top has ever done for me is to refuse to give me rules, I mean it. He could make me do things. He could give me back all that structure that I crave. All the guidelines and boundaries that have been artificially imposed upon me for the last 5 years. The things I begged for. He could let me be little all the time, and escape reality that way (he likes my little by the way: he is very kind to her, and loves the term Daddy). But he won't. And believe me, most days, I ask for them at least once. I whine that it's hard to be a grown up! Self discipline is much more difficult than following orders. But it's not only what I need, it's what I want for myself.

That independence. That feeling of agency and control of my own life. Feeling like I am in the driver's seat, and that I trust myself to not crash the car. I love those feelings. They make me feel whole. They make me feel like me again. Like I've been in this strange fog that I forgot wasn't the actual sky.

I've been thinking a lot lately about codependency and dependency in the BDSM/spanking communities, and whether or not it's healthy. I've come to the tentative conclusion that it can work for some people, but that for the most part, we let it happen and often glorify it, without looking at the consequences. When you're in codependency, there is nothing in the world that feels stronger, more real or epic. But you can't see the destruction falling around you either. And dependency... well we all like to say that she would be fine if he left. If he was gone... but for how many is that actually true?

Idk, but I am just really enjoying exploring what it means to be submissive, to be a bottom, to a man who refuses to control me. Who wants me to run my own life, and make my own happiness. Who will throw me over his shoulder like I'm the lightest of feathers, toss me over his knee and blister my ass when I ask for it, need it, or just sass him too much, but won't give me a bedtime. Will let me be little and sit at his feet for an hour, giving in completely, but expects me to hold a conversation the rest of the time. Who encourages me to be my best at everything, to make good choices and take care of myself, and to have a life outside of him and outside my apartment, but will never make me do any of those things. Who loves me the way I am now, and the woman I am destined to become.

How do I maintain a full, whole, happy and independent me while also becoming part of an "us?"

It's a difficult journey for sure, but one I couldn't be happier to be on. I have been doing a lot of work lately on my future (working with career counselors, and taking various apptitude tests), and am inching closer to finding where I am going to next take my life: essentially what advanced degree I am going to pursue. Figuring out what my future in the scene is going to be... I am finally re-focused on my life.

Now I just feel like I have the best man I ever could have dreamed of to do it beside me. He has his own thing, and I have mine. Some days I fall down. I get scared. I cry. I freak out. And he just stands there next to me and holds out his hand, and tells me I can do it. That he has faith in me, and that I am capable of anything I ever wanted. And that he isn't going anywhere. He isn't like the others who stood back at the edge of the diving board telling me I was safe. He is standing on the edge with me, looking in my eyes, waiting for me to say I'm ready for us to jump.

So I'm not single anymore. For the first time in my life in fact, I am in a committed monogamous relationship. But I'm all the things that mattered about being single. Only now with reinforcements. :)

I've had a couple Kings. A court jester, a pretender to the thrown, and a very very very dark knight. But I can finally say, that I think this Princess might have finally found her Prince Charming.

Princess Kelley


  1. Oh my, Kelley. This relationship has every indication of being all I ever hoped and wished for you. Now don't over-think, just let it happen and drink in every moment. :)

    Big hugs,

  2. See? Patience wins out. Best of luck!

  3. that didnt take long