"What do you want?"
"What do you do?"
"Everything. But I don't kiss on the mouth"
"Neither do I."
So right now I'm on a flight to Naples to go visit Michael and his parents at the hospital for the weekend. They are going to try to move him to Rome today, so I might end up on a train right after I land, but Rome will be a much better place than Naples I think. And his program is in Rome so hopefully that would mean more of his friends would be able to visit him. His mom says he's getting a bit discouraged at the slow progress and feeling lonely I'm sure. He is making progress but it's very slow. He's still not totally with us yet, but I know in my heart that he will get better. He has to get better.
But, on a better note, I have great news. I have been kissed. Kissed? You ask. Yes kissed. Well spanked and held and felt up too, lol, but for the purposes of right now, I have been kissed.
Last night I met a wonderful young man named David, and I impulsively invited him over to my apartment after only talking with him for about 48 hours. It just seemed like it would work, and it is very American to have friends over to your apartment just to hang out. So I'd spoken to him on the phone and seen pictures and I just felt safe that I could have him over. My turf- also a first for me, and SOO wonderful. (Of course Momma had a minor fit that my "turf" looked like a war zone, so I had to clean before company could come over).
Anywho, so he came over, and we just chatted for about an hour- I was feeling him out, getting comfortable. We really didn't talk about spanking much at all. It was pretty much all vanilla- which was actually really nice. This entire thing has re-encouraged me. After what has happened lately, I was just wanting out of London- wanting to go home, and honestly a bit scared to meet anyone else. But this was something I knew how to do. I can meet single men and I know how to play with them and how to keep myself safe.
Fortunately, David and I got along really well- he's funny and sweet and caring and he treats me really well- and so we progressed to playing.
Then things got interesting.
I am going to tell you about all the interesting things (including but not limited to water bottles, extreme bratting, wet bottom spankings, punishment spankings, semi public spankings and semi public exposure), but right now what I want to talk about is kissing.
I actually was thinking about writing a post on this before he came, and after he came, now my post has changed drastically.
Everyone knows the line from Pretty Woman, it's a classic. But it's something I've come to notice about myself over the last couple of years. I remember when I was 15 and this girl that I started eating lunch with who was new to the school and a bit more rebellious than I was, shocked me when she said that she had had sex with a guy the night before and afterwards realized that she never kissed him. Now remember that even though I've been looking at porn since I was 10, I never wanted sex- I wanted to be spanked. So the fact that she had sex was shocking in itself (most all of my friends never had) but that she hadn't kissed him to me made her seem like…well like Vivian in the movie.
I have since changed my mind.
Kissing for me is the most intimate act of all. The one that stands above the rest as the make or break moment for me in knowing if I want someone as a romantic interest. And I often just don't kiss, because for me, a kiss that isn't right- not necessarily a Bad kiss, just one that doesn't feel right- is the fastest thing in the world to pull me out of a situation and leave me a willing spectator instead of participant to a sexual situation.
Yes, I've made out with guys at parties, and in Florence in April I made out with a guy I was barely attracted to in a club just because I was feeling tired of being so inactive. It was worthless. Its like just going through the motions. Eyes opened, head thinking about what I'm having for breakfast the next morning. Until yesterday it had been over a year since I was last kissed in a way that felt right. Since my ex (well when I met up with Jonathon last July we kissed he assures me, but that was such a different time for me, as I was recovering from my breakup then still) I have played a couple times and been spanked by a couple different people (though as you all know it had been about a year for that too), but not kissed.
When I was playing with Abel and Haron, we'd been playing for like 2 hours and I had been naked and orgasmed a few times already when he tried to kiss me. He was holding me and rubbing me and everything just felt so perfect, but the second he tried to kiss me, I knew it was wrong (the kiss was good, but my heart wasn't there). Sometimes, if I don't care that much, I will just let the kiss happen, even if I'm not feeling it, but that time, I stopped it. In part because I desperately didn't want to be pulled out of my heaven that I was in, and also because I was uncomfortable about the fact that his wife was at that moment suckling my breast. As I told him when I pulled away "you're wife is right there!" Her fabulous response "You don't hear me complaining do you?" Lol. I then kissed her (my first girl/girl kiss!!!)
About a month ago, I stupidly tired texted my ex (it's like driving. You know how they say that tired driving is as bad as drunk driving? Tired texting is as bad as drunk texting.) saying "I miss kissing you." Because at that moment, I did. I still do sometimes. It was the one thing about our relationship that always worked, and never felt wrong. Even spanking sometimes got complicated and dark, but kissing- kissing him was the best part. Feeling like I was his. Feeling his love. And even as I grow and fall in love again and again, his kiss will always be his kiss. Other people will kiss well or better and they will have their own place in my heart. But his kiss for me has always epitomized what I miss about him and my relationship with him. I can get sex- I just have to ask some guy in a bar. I can get a spanking fairly easily if I just ask the right places. But getting a kiss that feels right, getting a kiss that is right in my soul, that is much harder to find.
I can have an extremely deep connection with someone, and want to be fucked and felt and spanked by them, and want them in my life desperately (cough Abel and Haron cough) but kissing still wouldn't be something I'd want to do. It is unrelated to spanking, and really unrelated to sex. Certainly unrelated to friendship. Cuddling and spanking and orgasming and cuddling will make me feel safer and closer and more loved in those situations than kissing will. Kissing is romance….kissing is just different.
And last night I got kissed. It took me about 3 hours of him being there and 2 of us playing with me naked and him giving me all over body kisses before I let go and gave in. I was worried it wouldn't be there, and that it would pull me out of the place that I had to fight to get in yesterday (will explain that later). But it didn't. It felt good and it felt right and I just let myself relax into it. I let myself feel it. I let myself be. It was a wonderful kiss too. Not aggressive (no tongue until after a few minutes), just gentle and caring. Later he kissed me against a wall and I lost my breath. I forgot where I was. …
I don't think that David and I are going to become bf/gf or anything if for no other reason than I am going home in 4 weeks, but I am just feeling so happy. I feel back to normal, and I feel cared for and special. I feel beautiful. I feel important. And I feel well spanked and well kissed as I sit on this plane. J