Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Hey Team,

So it's been 4 years, and we're about to enter the fifth, and it's been the most ridiculous weekend ever, and I really have nothing to say that wasn't said in my Thanksgiving post (this happens every year, lol), so I am just going to say, HOLY SHIT!!! Year 5???? Really???? And that I love you all and am excited for what the next year holds.



xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. Go buy my clips! I just got the quote to finish building my site and it's expensive! lol, and I want it to happen! So I am shamelessly self-promoting ;)

Happy Spanksgiving! :)

Hey Team,

So I am getting ready for Thanksgiving and the Cowboy's game, and I just thought, hey, I should write a blog post! lol. There are so many things to be thankful for, and so I am going to just list some of the things that come to mind for me right now. This is NOT a comprehensive or exhaustive list mind you, :) but rather just a musing of love.

I am thankful for my new Daddy. He makes me feel so special and cherished. I love being his and being on his arm, and the swell of happy that I feel when he shows me off to his friends can not be explained. I am so thankful for his patience with me and my crazy, and for his desire to push me to be the most and best I can be. He is the most wonderful teacher I could ask for to discover my BDSM side, and I am loving every moment I spend with him. I am so proud to be his.

I am thankful for my beautiful sisters, Mila Kohl and Sarah Gregory. Mila is an amazing roommate and the best of friends- she makes me smile when I'm down, and laughs and cheers with me when I'm up. And Sarah is the kindest most genuine person to be around, and I am so grateful that we have created this bond, and nothing is going to tear it apart.

I am thankful for my Mozzie. :) Yes, I am possibly in an abusive relationship with my cat (I have more scars than any one person ever should) but there is nothing like the love I get when I walk in the door, or the feeling of him cuddled on me in bed.

I am thankful for Zyrtec. I am allergic to my Mozzie. Nough said. :)

I am thankful to live in a country where we have an entire holiday dedicated to being thankful. And where we have peaceful transitions of power. And where I can do this!

I am thankful for my family- my parents and brother. We have our issues, but I could not have possibly asked for a more supportive family. They have taken everything I have thrown at them in stride, and not only accept who I am, but do their best to be involved in my life. I am thankful that my mom is finally healthy, and I am thankful for everyday I get with them.

I am thankful to our military and our veterans. Thank you for being awesome. :) And for looking so good in those uniforms ;)

I am thankful for Model Mayhem. It has helped my dreams of being able to model professionally come true, and has helped me feel more comfortable in my skin than I ever have before.

I am thankful for Fetlife. For bringing people together, and for continually making me "Kinky and Popular." Lol, I have certainly never been popular before.

I am thankful for Miss Rose's evil paddles, London Tanners wicked straps, Mr. Zia's crazy creations, Miss Kitty's beautiful wood, and for Walmart and Bed Bath and Beyond for carrying such amazing brushes and spoons. :) Anything to get my butt spanked... I am thankful and happy! lol

I am thankful for BDSM. It's fun... way more fun than I thought it would be. Oh yeah, and for condoms ;)

I am thankful for Ralph Marvel. He is an amazing man, and I am so fortunate to have him in my life. :) And I am so grateful to how awesomely thin I look over his lap. :) And how good it feels to be there.

I am thankful for Shadow Lane. You introduced me to spanking all those years ago, and then introduced me to my idols. You brought me together with my sisters, and showed me that I could be strong on my own.

I am thankful to Pandora Blake. You are possibly my favorite person on the planet, lol. I am thankful that she is making my website dreams come true, and I am grateful that she made her spanking dreams come true, bc they are fucking hot. And I am grateful to know her- she is my role model, and I hope to do her proud some day. :)

I am thankful for Bottoms Up and the local community. I could not possibly have ever asked for a better group of people to call my friends and my family. You have always made me feel welcomed and safe, and I am so proud to be a part of such an amazing organization.

I am thankful for Rachel Maddow. For World of Warcraft and for Nerdfighteria. And for really good bras.

I am thankful for Paul. He taught me so much during our time together and showed me so much in this world. He gave me so many opportunities, and opened up new roads for me. I learned who I am and who I'm not with him, and I wouldn't be where I am had I not been with him. I am thankful for the time we had together, and for the love we shared.

I am thankful for my past, my present and my future.

I am thankful for my health and safety. For the ridiculous blessings I have in this life. For my happiness and my occasional sanity.

And most of all, I am thankful for my fans/readers/lurkers/stalkers/friends. For everyone who has stuck with me in good times and bad. To this community that has enriched my life in so many ways. For my blogging friends who have supported me and been amazing... thank you all. You make not only this worth while, but also just make me happy. :) We are about to enter year 5... and there is no way I would have come even close to this far without y'all.

xoxo
Princess Kelley

Love Our Lurkers Day

Hey Team!

So today is the 7th annual Love Our Lurkers Day! Started of course by the inimitable Bonnie, LOL is a day for us bloggers to say how much we appreciate our lurkers, and to try to persuade some of y'all to say hi!

As someone who has still as a percentage spent more of my life online as a lurker than a participant, I totally understand lurking, and I try to always remember that you are out there. :) And especially given the ups and downs my blog has been through, I am so grateful to everyone that is here- lurker or otherwise!

But here is your opportunity to say hello, whether you're a long time lurker, long time poster, new reader, or complete stranger, click the comment button and introduce yourself!!!

I love you team! You are, as I like to say, FUCKING AWESOME! lol :)

xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. Sorry I haven't had any new candid photos lately- I will try to work on that soon :)

The Public Eye vs. The Private Life

Hey Team,
So I started this post last week- just got my thoughts down on paper while they were still fresh- but hadn't had a chance or the desire to finish it until now. Thus it is rather disjointed and hard to follow, but I think I get my point across. So here it goes:

Don't really know how to start this so I suppose I will just begin. I currently am finding that I want to share less and less of my personal life here, in part because my life is so different now than what it used to be. It used to be just me and my lovers and partners and that was it. I knew no one. I had never been in a room with more than one spanko until London (two years after I started my blog), and then it was another year before my first party. Yeah my face was there, and I had plenty of online friends, but for the most part, it was pretty anonymous. Or at least I still had the feeling that it was. Perhaps not anonymous so much as isolated…

Now I am not only a model, but also, and perhaps more importantly, someone who plays in the local scene. It somehow feels OK to tell the details of my sex life and fantasies to people on the other side of the globe, or even just people in front of their computers in the house next door. But I am not inclined to do so to the guy in the corner of the local dungeon. Actually, I don't mind when strangers (even local strangers) read and then say they are fans. But it’s weird that people I know and play with or hang out with- scene friends IRL (because I have those now)- read this... sometimes feels like I can’t be fully open...

I remember having this issue when I dated that guy in London briefly (you would have to be a really dedicated fan to remember that). He had been a fan, and that was how we met. And he read the blog. So it was strange to write because I knew he would read it eventually. Edward never did, and neither did the ex. Even Paul didn't read the blog unless I asked him to…

In regards to the issue of being in the “scene,” I had a similar problem with Sarah and Paul. But that had so many different facets to it the comparison isn't entirely true. Both of them are in the public eye in a professional way, so for people to know about their lives isn't all that strange. It's a persona- it’s a role in many ways even if it is also their lives. So it feels different, both in regards to what I can say about the other people in my life, and also in regards to what I can say about myself.

Now I find myself with someone who is a pretty big deal in the local community, but not in the same sort of public way that Paul was. Daddy does have a public face to keep up- he has to be a good image for his store- but most of the part of him that is in the scene is just him, straight up. Paul’s entire life was the scene, but it was the spanking scene as a whole, not simply the local community (and Daddy’s is a community I don’t belong to or understand. Paul’s was my community too. I wasn’t a stranger there). He had been with models before, and was always someone who put himself out there and didn’t really give a shit about the backlash. Me blogging was never an issue. He understood that it came with.

Daddy… well he reads my blog now. Apparently he read it some when we weren’t together too- or at least he kept up with me. Had never heard of me before we met, and has never read the back logs, but he reads it now. He had read my last post before I told him that I had posted it…. Certainly changes how I look at talking about things…

---

All of this is making me think- why did I want to do this in the first place? What was it that made me think I should share my deepest desires anonymously on the internet? It’s attention and love, but a rather craven and shallow form of the two. The love of fans is never the same as true love. You are trying to prop yourself up on the love of others, but that means you fall with it as the ever mercurial nature of public attention wavers or falters…. When I came out to my brother, he said that it tends to be very insecure people who do porn- because they are searching for some sort of acceptance and love and validation that they can’t find elsewhere…. And I’m not going to lie, we all know that part of why I did this after the first month was because it made me feel beautiful for the first time…

It’s not that I don't want to share anymore. More like I wish I felt like I could share in the way I used to. I just want to get it out. Have my public diary. Anonymously… or at least with that illusion of anonymity. But now feeling anonymous would be more of a delusion than an illusion….

---

I recently for the first time ever defined myself as a model. Like a professional model, and not a blogger or producer or kinkster or any of those other things I have always clung to in resistance to being a "model." But the truth finally is that I am a model. I, more often than not, am relating something here that is in a way professional. But that doesn’t mean though that what I’m relating isn’t also personal, because somewhere along the way, those became one in the same.

I want to find a way back to (or forward to) a public life that makes me feel I can share my private thoughts. That I don't have to keep my private life secret and hold onto it so dearly, given that my public life is in so many ways most people’s most intimate of private lives. I am hoping that I no longer have to so fervently grasp at the privacy that withholding gives me the illusion of but never really bring me….

So I’m going to be working on that. It’s going to be an experiment. We’ll see how it goes. For now, I think I will just pretend that no one I know reads this. That all the commenters are my online friends, whom I love but will never actually meet… going to pretend that none of this has consequences.

Illusion or delusion?

Xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. OMG I apologize for the grammatical and compositional clusterfuck that this post is. I was in a really weird headspace when I wrote the snipits the first time, and linking together random thoughts that are meant to be profound... well it's not particularly easy. And I didn't exactly succeed, but I didn't want to scrap this post either. So don't judge, lol.

The Only Certainty in Life is that Everything Changes

Hey Team,

So it's late, and I don't have much really to say on this subject specifically. I have a lot to say in general though, and all of those things are predicated on this, so I figured I should get it over with.

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately, as many of you already know, some for the worse, but most for the better. Some that started out poorly have turned to new opportunities and new chapters.

For the basic, I have moved. Well only in the most literal of ways. I still live in the same apartment complex actually, just moved into a two bedroom with the wonderful Mila Kohl. My lease was coming up on my one bedroom, and my parents had been hinting that they thought getting a roommate would be a good idea, so that I didn't become a crazy cat lady with it just being me and Mozzie. I explained that given my kink factor, and that I really love having my own place, that wasn't likely. Then randomly, in Vegas, Mila asked if I was looking for a roommate. So, a bunch of really spontaneous and not necessarily well thought through, but definitely good decisions later, Mila and I are living together.

Also, pretty sure I've mentioned this one, but I have kinda become a professional model in the nude/vanilla sense. It's been really fun. It's honestly just a hobby, but something I definitely enjoy and am proud to have been able to do. My MM page for anyone that's interested is http://www.modelmayhem.com/2775120

The main change of course has come romantically. As most of you probably all ready know, Paul was arrested over Labor Day on white collar crime charges that pertain to before I knew him. He is in Dallas, but when and if he will be released is uncertain. That is all the details I am prepared to release, please don't ask for more.

The irony of all that is the day before I found out what was happening I had decided that I was wanting to start moving away from being with him. He and I have been together almost a year and a half, with a lot of that him trying to get rid of me, lol. He wanted me to move on, to find someone that could make me happy, that I could have a future with, that could love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. And for me, after returning from Europe, and just growing a lot over the last year, I realized it was time for me to grow and go out on my own. To venture forth. I still wanted him as my Daddy, but he was going to move out, and we would start to separate. Because while I love him dearly, I wasn't in love anymore.

Of course what happened changed everything. Suddenly my time table got ripped from me, as did my Daddy. Panic and loyalty set in. I decided to stay with him as best I could. However, I quickly realized that while I could stay with him in support and as a friend and love, he was no longer in any sort of position to be my Daddy, nor was staying with him going to be good for me. I was already wanting to go out and grow, and now I was going to be attached to someone in jail? But god, I love him.

Vegas changed a lot for me. It made me see that I could do this on my own. That I have friends, family really, in this scene that will help me through, and that I don't need him to have fun. I then got into an albeit brief but extremely meaningful and wonderful relationship of sorts with Ralph Marvel. Sadly, distance and age made our relationship not a particurarly viable option. But he showed me that there was love to be had outside of Paul, and that there were other men out there. Were the fates different... we really are wonderful together...

Anyway. Speaking of the fates. They seem to have played a rather large and rather strange part in all of this. About two weeks after Vegas there was an event here called Beyond Vanilla, and I wanted to go just to the vendor's fair to look for a corset for a shoot. I wasn't really ready to make any appearances back in the local scene, but Mila went with me, and it was fun. And who would I spot, but Daddy_O. So I realize now that somehow in the cluster fuck desert that this blog became last year, I managed to just not ever write about my brief but ridiculously meaningful relationship wtih Daddy_O that I had in February. He runs the local kink store and I met him by chance one day with Francesca, and I pretty much did what later became the song call me maybe, lol. :) He is not a spanko. He is kink to the core though, married, poly, hot, 35, and often just scary as fuck. And as I like to say, a smug SOB.

Me and Daddy at the local Fetish Ball last month.
B&W theme. I was innocent in pure white. He
of course, is all black :)

Anywho, he and I didn't work the first time around. In large part because of my relationship with Paul. He really wanted me to get out there and have other relationships because this was at a bad part in the triangle with Sarah, and so when I met Daddy_O, I wanted to pursue it. He was scary and exciting, and our chemistry is almost palpable. I just feel physically drawn to him whenever I am around him. I called our relationship "the chess match" because it was all just a mental game- a wonderful mind fuck. But I was still attached to Paul. Daddy_O called it my safety net. And when things got hard, and looked like they weren't going to work since we are SO different, we just... gave up? I don't really know how to describe what happened. But it was over as quickly as it started.

But when I saw him at Beyond Vanilla... as the title says, everything changes. Well, in this case everything but our chemistry. We had not spoken since we were together, but I went up to him... I couldn't resist. And it was like no time had passed, but all the obstacles were gone... or at least different. I am more open to new things. I have come to accept that my limits can grow with me and that doing so isn't a lack of integrity, it's having self understanding. I have grown to realize that I want to be able to stand on my own. I have grown to most days when a man threatens to leave to go and open the door- to be strong enough to never beg again. I have changed in that I don't have my safety net, but nor do I need or want one. And I have changed in that I am willing to just be happy and enjoy and try and at least try not to overcomplicate or analyze the future, or clear lack there of. I am going to be happy, and strong, and love with everything that I am and can be, but not let myself get lost in the process. Because I think I love myself now... or at least I am starting to... and starting to accept and love my life... be happy with where I am.... and that is certainly a change.

Daddy and Miss O. They were displeased
with me and I was seated- the "double dom face"
was too good not to capture. She is so pretty and
he is so hot... this pic makes me smile. :)

So long story short (too late), Daddy_O is my new Daddy. He is leading me on this crazy journey though BDSM and sex and love that I am really excited to share with y'all. I have fallen head over heels in love with him, and I haven't felt that way since "the ex" over 4 years ago. We are... "it's complicated." We're in a relationship for all intents and purposes, but I mean, he's still married, so... yeah. His wife, Miss_O, is awesome, and she has been a huge supporter of our relationship since the first time around. She and her boyfriend are wonderful people, and I feel priveldged to know them. So yeah. They're poly. But I'm not. I am monogomous to him. Just like Paul was, but I wasn't. And my ex sorta was and I wasn't.... I still retain the title single, just like I have for the last 4 years... but my heart (and all the rest of me) belongs to him now. And nothing makes me happier than that fact.

So now when I say Daddy, I mean Daddy_O (aka Sex_Luthar on fetlife) and Paul will be refered to as Paul from now on. I was hoping that he and I would remain close through this given that he always said that was what he wanted and this was what he wanted for me, but given his recent actions, I don't think that is going to be the case. I love him and will always support him, but he is not good for me right now. So life keeps going and everything changes...

xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. Oh yeah, one more change...
 um...
...I had sex! :)