So it's late, and I don't have much really to say on this subject specifically. I have a lot to say in general though, and all of those things are predicated on this, so I figured I should get it over with.
There have been a lot of changes in my life lately, as many of you already know, some for the worse, but most for the better. Some that started out poorly have turned to new opportunities and new chapters.
For the basic, I have moved. Well only in the most literal of ways. I still live in the same apartment complex actually, just moved into a two bedroom with the wonderful Mila Kohl. My lease was coming up on my one bedroom, and my parents had been hinting that they thought getting a roommate would be a good idea, so that I didn't become a crazy cat lady with it just being me and Mozzie. I explained that given my kink factor, and that I really love having my own place, that wasn't likely. Then randomly, in Vegas, Mila asked if I was looking for a roommate. So, a bunch of really spontaneous and not necessarily well thought through, but definitely good decisions later, Mila and I are living together.
Also, pretty sure I've mentioned this one, but I have kinda become a professional model in the nude/vanilla sense. It's been really fun. It's honestly just a hobby, but something I definitely enjoy and am proud to have been able to do. My MM page for anyone that's interested is http://www.modelmayhem.com/2775120
The main change of course has come romantically. As most of you probably all ready know, Paul was arrested over Labor Day on white collar crime charges that pertain to before I knew him. He is in Dallas, but when and if he will be released is uncertain. That is all the details I am prepared to release, please don't ask for more.
The irony of all that is the day before I found out what was happening I had decided that I was wanting to start moving away from being with him. He and I have been together almost a year and a half, with a lot of that him trying to get rid of me, lol. He wanted me to move on, to find someone that could make me happy, that I could have a future with, that could love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. And for me, after returning from Europe, and just growing a lot over the last year, I realized it was time for me to grow and go out on my own. To venture forth. I still wanted him as my Daddy, but he was going to move out, and we would start to separate. Because while I love him dearly, I wasn't in love anymore.
Of course what happened changed everything. Suddenly my time table got ripped from me, as did my Daddy. Panic and loyalty set in. I decided to stay with him as best I could. However, I quickly realized that while I could stay with him in support and as a friend and love, he was no longer in any sort of position to be my Daddy, nor was staying with him going to be good for me. I was already wanting to go out and grow, and now I was going to be attached to someone in jail? But god, I love him.
Vegas changed a lot for me. It made me see that I could do this on my own. That I have friends, family really, in this scene that will help me through, and that I don't need him to have fun. I then got into an albeit brief but extremely meaningful and wonderful relationship of sorts with Ralph Marvel. Sadly, distance and age made our relationship not a particurarly viable option. But he showed me that there was love to be had outside of Paul, and that there were other men out there. Were the fates different... we really are wonderful together...
Anyway. Speaking of the fates. They seem to have played a rather large and rather strange part in all of this. About two weeks after Vegas there was an event here called Beyond Vanilla, and I wanted to go just to the vendor's fair to look for a corset for a shoot. I wasn't really ready to make any appearances back in the local scene, but Mila went with me, and it was fun. And who would I spot, but Daddy_O. So I realize now that somehow in the cluster fuck desert that this blog became last year, I managed to just not ever write about my brief but ridiculously meaningful relationship wtih Daddy_O that I had in February. He runs the local kink store and I met him by chance one day with Francesca, and I pretty much did what later became the song call me maybe, lol. :) He is not a spanko. He is kink to the core though, married, poly, hot, 35, and often just scary as fuck. And as I like to say, a smug SOB.
|Me and Daddy at the local Fetish Ball last month.|
B&W theme. I was innocent in pure white. He
of course, is all black :)
But when I saw him at Beyond Vanilla... as the title says, everything changes. Well, in this case everything but our chemistry. We had not spoken since we were together, but I went up to him... I couldn't resist. And it was like no time had passed, but all the obstacles were gone... or at least different. I am more open to new things. I have come to accept that my limits can grow with me and that doing so isn't a lack of integrity, it's having self understanding. I have grown to realize that I want to be able to stand on my own. I have grown to most days when a man threatens to leave to go and open the door- to be strong enough to never beg again. I have changed in that I don't have my safety net, but nor do I need or want one. And I have changed in that I am willing to just be happy and enjoy and try and at least try not to overcomplicate or analyze the future, or clear lack there of. I am going to be happy, and strong, and love with everything that I am and can be, but not let myself get lost in the process. Because I think I love myself now... or at least I am starting to... and starting to accept and love my life... be happy with where I am.... and that is certainly a change.
|Daddy and Miss O. They were displeased|
with me and I was seated- the "double dom face"
was too good not to capture. She is so pretty and
he is so hot... this pic makes me smile. :)
So now when I say Daddy, I mean Daddy_O (aka Sex_Luthar on fetlife) and Paul will be refered to as Paul from now on. I was hoping that he and I would remain close through this given that he always said that was what he wanted and this was what he wanted for me, but given his recent actions, I don't think that is going to be the case. I love him and will always support him, but he is not good for me right now. So life keeps going and everything changes...
PS. Oh yeah, one more change...
...I had sex! :)