What a spanking felt like.
Thank you M, for reminding me. :)
So right now I'm supposed to be writing an Italian composition that is already kinda late, but I'm crashing from a sugar high induced by binge eating (a habit that I have apparently taken up again in the grieving process) and I just don't fucking feel like doing it!.... Mommy would not be pleased with me the last few days. But she's not here. She left, and I can hear her scolding me in my ear...but I feel out of control and JenJen and Nana (formerly Dr. Anja- Mommy's best friend, and Deb's doctor) are doing their best, but I just.... I DON'T KNOW!!!!! One second I'm fine, the next I'm crying, the next I want to throw things, the next I'm back to fine. And I know I need to be being a good girl, both for me, and to make her proud.... but I guess part of me just keeps hoping, that if I'm naughty enough, she'll come back- that she wouldn't let me spiral out of control like this.
And I JUST GOT a spanking! Today!!! FINALLY!!! It'd been since JULY!!! 2.5 MONTHS!! From the girl that if she could, would get a spanking everyday!
Well for those of you who don't know who M is, he is my ex boyfriend, who goes to law school here, and is a spanko- I was dating him at the beginning of when I started writing this blog. He and I broke up mutually when I started dating John (former Daddy and known sometimes as "the ex"). M was (and still is) a good guy and a pretty good spanker. But he's a total boy! So sexual, and so immature, and just...not my type. I figured out why he and I didn't work actually a few months ago. There can only be one center of attention in a relationship, and that's me. lol. M likes to be the center though too, and that doesn't work with me. There are plenty of girls that that's perfect for, but that's why he and I didn't work so well. But we've stayed friends and he's back in town, and he's been trying to push me into having a friends with spanking benefits relationship with him for a while now and I've firmly said no. Mainly b/c with M, nothing is free.
But after everything that went down with the guy I was ranting about the other night- the MAN that I WAS counting on to lean on- I remembered that the second M found out, he messaged me saying he was here for me and so sorry for my loss.. So I texted him, and just asked, hey, what are you up to today? And he immediately replied "Are you ok? I'm free this evening" and pretty much immediately agreed to come over just to hold me and let me cry- not typical M behavior.
But he came, and was amazing. He really did just sit and hold me- we talked some and he let me cry, and we joked like we always do (he's such a college boy). Then we were laying there, and I was just basking in how mature and wonderful and supportive he was being, and when he reached down to swat my bottom, I didn't stop him. And then I just fell into it. I was so vulnerable and in the perfect submissive space, and I've been needing a spanking for so long as it is- and the only reason I didn't ask M was because I didn't trust him to do it right- to be mature about it, to treat me well- so then when he told me to go get the spoon (which would have been Mommy's implement of choice) I did, took my jeans down and took my spanking.
And omg it hurt! Not much- I mean it was not a hard spanking. But it's been 2.5 months, and its my time of the month, and I was just bawling my heart out after the hand spanking began- which stung so much, but felt so....just RIGHT, not sexy or painful, but RIGHT. He had me laid out over my bed, him sitting back against the wall. He spanked and I just laid there and cried it all out. I could hear Mommy in my ear, comforting me, and telling me she was so happy I was getting what I needed.
It used to hurt her so much that she couldn't be here to really give me what I needed, and that there wasn't really anyone here. On days when I just needed it so much and I would throw a huge temper fit and just be out of control, and then she'd realize why, and she'd poke and prod and I'd end up just crying b/c I couldn't have what I needed.
.....its sad. I would give anything for that day back. Give anything to just be crying b/c I couldn't hear her voice b/c she couldn't use her phone in the hospital, or because I needed her to be here with me. Anything.
But so yeah, my spanking. M stopped when I needed and then just rubbed my back and bottom as I cried, then stood me up and put me in the corner for a bit, then brought me back and just held me a laid with me. I cried in his shoulder and his chest, and curled up so tight in his body. It was what I've been craving for a month- even before Mommy died. But its exactly what I needed- and all I asked of that dick from the other night.
Lol, M said that my ass looked hot (in his oh, so eloquent, do you really go to one of the most prestigiuos law schools in the country? way of speaking) and was smoother than he'd ever seen it b/c it'd been so long since I'd been spanked. A year ago when I was with him, my bottom was in constant recovery mode from a spanking from him or Edward. So that was of course nice to hear. :) And just my god...the whole thing just did light a bit of a fire, and I'm praying that I can resist any urge I have to get a good girl spanking from him- I do NOT need to go down that path. ...but honestly I think any spanking I get at this moment would just be a cathartic spanking like that one was.
But that was yesterday. .... I really do need to atleast try to start this paper or Nana said she's ground me from TV all weekend! POUT! No fair! Mew :(
As always, I love ya'll so much, and I don't think I could have gotten through this without all of your support.