Ok, so its 11:56 PM on Thursday night and I just spent the last 45 minutes trying to cum. Well I don’t know if I should say trying, since I did technically succeed, but not like I should, and not like I normally do. I AM SO FRUSTRATED!
So this is me using this as both my diary and my blog. I just need to get this out so badly so I’m writing it, and once again I find myself so grateful for this outlet and this opportunity and all the support I have received.
I’m supposed to be working on a term paper right now that was due 2 days ago and I got an unofficial extension on because my teacher loves me and I am struggling still so much to get all caught up. I took my last “final” today, but I still have 3 papers, a term paper, and a presentation left to do in the next couple days. Oh yeah and move out, which just brings up SO many emotions.
And then the computer where nana and Papa and my little sister are lost internet so I had some time like actually to myself and I thought, hey lets make use of this. I mean I love being their little girl more than anything in the world and they accept me for exactly who I am- all parts of me. But they can’t fulfill the sexual parts of me and for the first time in a while I’m really feeling like I just need some attention in that way! I am a sexual girl. But since I’ve gone on my anti-anxiety meds in the summer I just haven’t been the same. I recently actually upped my does (from what was a tiny amount to a normal amount) b/c I was having panic attacks again, even though we were worried about having more sexual side effects, but my sex drive has actually increased, which we think is a sign that the problems were actually a symptom of my anxiety/depression/grief.
But I’m nowhere NEAR where I am supposed to be. If there is one thing on this earth that I am good at it is cumming God Damnit! Ask any man that I’ve been with- even those just over the phone. After cumming 18 times in 45 minutes with a guy on the phone once I literally left him speechless! I KNOW HOW TO CUM! And yet, what has just happened?
Well what happened was I got my toy out- put new batteries in half way through- and started watching a short clip from domesticdiscipline (SIN) that I know I like and is really sexy (which I like when masterbating- I like punishment for just enjoyment and foreplay, but I find it distracting during the actual act). And I got turned on for sure, was hitting all the right spots. I had my towel under me so I wasn’t nervous about making a mess (I squirt, and no it is not awesome). And I was peaking but not getting there! And then of course getting frustrated. I finally turned off the video and just did it, but they were baby cums. Nothing to scream about, no back arching, no earth shattering, no need to do the next and the next.
Sigh. Maybe its just the stress of finals.
So then I’m laying there on my back, naked, rolling my little lipstick vibrator up and down my stomach down to my hips and up to my ribs, and just thinking about stuff. I suddenly felt the urge to upload this video that Edward and I made this time last year (literally possibly to the day this time) on SpankingTube, and that made me feel good for like 10 seconds. And then I thought, why would I do that? You haven’t even talked to Edward in like 2 months, Kelley, and you’re just going to post a private video that you haven’t asked him about? What is wrong with you?
And then that made me think of something else totally random but related.
So as I mentioned in my post a few days ago, I’m obsessed with the Kardashians. And as I’m sure those of you who don’t live under a rock know, Khloe Kardashian just married Laker’s player Lamar Odom a few months ago after only knowing each other for a month. They just recently started airing the footage of them meeting and falling in love, and I would just like to say that I have it all figured out.
Khloe is beautiful, but she is the younger sister of Kim Kardashian, and Khloe is the tallest and the heaviest, so I doubt she’s ever felt beautiful in her life. She’s never had a good boyfriend before b/c she’s known for kinda self sabotaging the situation. Then comes Lamar who genuinely seems to love her, and they both seem a bit insecure. But every moment he is telling her the things about her he loves, how she is so beautiful, and how she will be the best wife. And you can see the joy, as Khloe actually starts to believe that in herself.
So I’ve figured me out. And women like me. Those of us that fall hard and fast and don’t do it any other way. Everyone just wants to be loved, but those of us that don’t necessarily love ourselves are often so shocked to find that others do, and the emotion and power and passion that can come with that is indescribable. My new psychiatrist (meds person, same therapist- love her!) doesn’t know about all of me, but she was so impressed when she found out that I’d beaten bulimia (you don’t “quit” bulimia, it’s a disease. You beat it.) and I explained to her that it wasn’t me. Well part of it was, but most of it was laying naked on a bed with the man that I loved standing across the room just staring at me b/c HE thought I was perfect just the way I was.
So maybe the reason I wanted to post that video (and I still might after I talk to him) was because I’ve just been feeling really inadequate lately and this not being able to cum thing was just one more thing. I’ve spent my life being a student. I go to one of the most prestigious universities in the country! I have ALWAYS made it happen and I have accomplished almost everything that I have ever set out to do. And its really feeling like this time its just not going to happen. Even if I get everything finished and turned in, it won’t be my best work, and I just don’t like that feeling.
And also I stupidly got on a scale at a doctors visit a few weeks ago, and there have been some very unflattering photos of me on facebook from parties around all these thinner but still curvy in all the right places girls that next to I just look like a whale. And I don’t have a man anymore telling me I’m beautiful. I finally have “parents” that do (my actual parents are the opposite) but somehow it just doesn’t have that impact.
And I feel like I’ve let so many people down. I haven’t kept up with my blog, or my friends on here. I still haven’t sent photos to BrushStrokes over at the SpankingSpot who was so wonderful to do that interview of me, and I just…somebody tell me I’m beautiful please. Someone tell me that you like my blog still even though I don’t have a boyfriend or sexy stories or new and exciting photos all the time.
Somebody please just tell me I’m enough.