Monday, March 25, 2013

Not dead but...

Some days I kinda wanna be.

I am sorry for being gone for so long team. Life got crazy and then life got bad. There are like 5 titled but otherwise blank blog posts waiting for me to sit and write...

But the pressing thing to say is that I'm single.

He and I were fighting all the time, and I was really struggling with it, and knowing I needed out. He didn't ever treat me well, but I wasn't strong enough to leave.
Then after Vegas, the day before I was supposed to leave for LA, we fought, and the next day he declared via text that he wanted to take a break. And I agreed. (which is the news in that story). Sobbed for two days. Then went to LA and had an amazing time.

Didn't cry once (ok, maybe once, but I did well) while I was there. Had an amazing time. Was super busy and focused on me. Then I came home.

And everything was the same. The apartment, his pictures, his clothes. My life. Most importantly my life (career, friends, sense of self, choices, existence in scene...). And I massively party crashed (aka endorphin fuck-up).

I suddenly realized that I have spent the last 3 years (5 in all honesty) focused on the men I am with and on my relationships with them, I think possibly in part to ignore having to pay attention to me. And suddenly I had to. And I don't know this girl I see. And I don't particularly like her. I don't understand how I got to where I am, and I have no idea how to get out.

So this sent me into a really bad depression spiral last week that kinda resulted in me being vaguely suicidal, but it had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BOY. He and I were until an hour ago still together technically.

His wife is in a long term relationship, and she thinks he doesn't want to be single when she isn't. And I like to think that part of him stayed because he loved me.
And I... well we all know I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to have to change my fetlife statuses and write this blog post. I didn't want to lose my friend, and I didn't want him to hate me. He is a very angry person, and not someone who stays friends with his exes (I do). But he was my Daddy, and I loved him dearly. And the idea of him hating me breaks my heart worse than anything.

So neither one of us really missed spending time together. We were miserable together. We fought all the time. He never wanted to play or have sex (literally haven't played since before Christmas and sex- it's been more recent than that but I honestly can't remember the last time), and I really did, and we just... we didn't get along. So not seeing him hasn't been hard. And we texted, and I was still his.
Technically.

But then today.

Sigh. So he owes me money. Quite a bit of money. I won't go into the details. And originally the plan was that he would just work it off by doing videos with me. No problem. But now... problem. So today I got up the courage to just ask him about it, say that I never doubted for a minute that he was good for it, but ask if there was a plan. And he flipped out. Said he would send it to me.

Then tonight, I texted, said I wasn't feeling well and asked him to hold me. He said "No. I will send you a payment tomorrow and when it's paid off I never want to speak to you again."

So that's it. That's the end. 7 months together. 8 if you count the first time. Over a year of... it's just over. He needed to find a reason to hate me. He couldn't let go without doing so I think. It needed to be my fault. Not just that we both gave up after I fought for MONTHS to keep us together. No, it needed to be because I am horrible. This is actually the second "relationship" to end this year because of money. Killed a good friendship as well. But in reality it had nothing to do with this relationship.

And the worst part? I sobbed. I was driving when I got the text and I just sobbed. And I screamed. Bc it's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong. And I don't want my Daddy to hate me. I still want to be Daddy's good girl and that's so fucked up. Because I need to stop apologizing for him. And apologizing to him when he is at fault just to end the fight. Stop kneeling at his feet begging him to forgive me for making him mad. To stop making excuses for his abusive behavior. To stop trying to make him love me when he is incapable of loving anyone but himself.

I gave that man my heart, my body, and my soul. And he gave me nothing back. I was fun when it was the chess match. When I was pure and white. Innocent, un-corrupt. Virginal. "Vanilla with sprinkles." I was a challenge. A beautiful challenge. That he won. I submitted. I gave in to him. I knelt at his feet and gave him EVERYTHING. Things I have never given any other man. Body and soul.

And he got bored.

So he took it away. Took away the sex and the play. And yelled at me when I asked for it. I was the bad guy. He wanted our relationship to be more. And so did I. But he took the foundation away. And it was all I could do to keep together the pieces crumbling around me. He wanted out and I fought him. Because I was scared and I wouldn't let him.

I should have let him leave. I should never have begged. That is on me. I should have let him leave when he still cared about me.

But I was scared, and I didn't.

So here I am now. And I'm fine. I don't want to be with a man that treats me so poorly. That never satisfies me anymore. But I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss that chemistry that drew me in over a year ago and drew me back last fall. The chemistry that made me kneel for the first time. The man that took me to places I never even knew existed and showed me a world that I couldn't imagine. I miss the man that was my Daddy.

But I'm not sure that man ever existed. I'm pretty sure it that to him, it was all just a game.

So now I am crying writing this, trying really hard to not cry. Because I am tired of crying over him. Tired of crying over men. I am ready to be single, and to love me again. To learn who I am. But I cry because it hurts, and it hurts because it mattered. Because regardless of if he really did love me or if I was a game and then a chore, our relationship was powerful and important. He will forever be etched into my heart, and I will not regret the men I have loved. I will not regret the choices I have made. Because they made me who I am.

And semi-suicidal last week or not, I am determined to love who I am.

xoxo
Kelley

(You have to know the "nobody's princess" drill after breakups by now)

37 comments:

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    2. Your energies no longer coincide. It's time to focus on your inner soul and personal growth. Start meditating fifteen minutes daily, after you wake up and before you go to bed. Your aura is way to low.

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  2. Hello Kelley,

    What can a soul say to another soul that is hurting so badly. There are the usual platitudes "Everything will get better", or "Be strong and work through it." But the simple truth is that things really friggin suck right now and the only thing you can do about it is attempt to process the pain. But there is really awesome news! And as cheesy as this is going to sound, I throw it out there in the hope of offsetting your pain with well...hope! Your partner was in the way. You were both changing in different directions. Some of the things you said you wanted in your post: "A man you wants to play, a man who respects, loves and preserves you, a man who will truly appreciate the wonderful act of you giving yourself over to him." These wishes are sacred. They are powerful. The simple truth is that this man who has left could not do what you wanted and needed so he has subconsciously removed himself from your life. What a wonderful act. The major reason this has happened, I believe, is that you have summoned a new man into your life, someone who will blow your mind and complete your soul for the next chapter of your existence. This is an amazing thing. So try to think of this event as you expressing hidden power within yourself out into the world to attract that which is truly best for you right now! This awesome person you are bringing in could not arrive while you were together. Now there is space in your life for this new Daddy to manifest. It may not happen any time soon so you must be patient. The most important thing you need right now is to heal. Treat yourself as you would a friend who mentioned suicide! Give yourself the same care and concern someone who cared for you would upon hearing those frightening words. You deserve every bit of that concern and care. Allow yourself to have it. Believe you deserve it and you will begin to feel better. Time will bring closure and healing, never forget that. You deserve the goodness your soul is preparing for you. Give yourself that time. I say these things to you out of experience. I've had some hard lessons to learn and I'm still learning and still coping. But things do get better as you get better. I hope my words and intention help you to realize the specialness of you. I sincerely hope you are able to overcome this difficult transition in your life so you can accept the glorious next step you are creating for yourself. Good luck Kelley and please take care!

    Sincerely,
    A Fan

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment. It meant a lot to me. I really hope that all you said is true. :) Though I hope for now to just love me and to maybe have that new, right man, wait his turn for a bit. :)

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  3. Hello, Princess:

    You aren't nobody's princess. A whole bunch of people love you and think you're great.

    I'm sorry that you are feeling down now, but things will get better for you, just like they have in the past.

    Your prince is out there.

    And, no text message is worth the risk to you of reading it while driving! Please don't do that again. You deserve a spanking!

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    1. Thank you sweetie. :)
      And lol. Yeah, texting and driving is an unfortunate habit of mine. I am sure if you tattle on me to someone at Bottoms Up, someone will take care of it. :)

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  4. OK, cookie -- I'm gonna be really blunt here. You ready?

    Ever since you posted, a few months back, about how you woke him up in the middle of the night because you were depressed and crying, and his reaction was something like, "Snap out of it and go back to sleep," I've wanted to wring his neck. So good fucking riddance to him, I say, insensitive tool that he is!

    I'm sorry you're sad. You invested time and pieces of your heart and soul and it sucks. Doesn't feel like it now, but This Too Shall Pass. Give yourself time to heal; be very kind and gentle to you.

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    1. Hey Pretty,
      This actually really helped when it came in my inbox. I love blunt you. And to be honest, you're right. And the sad thing? I was sugar coating that incident and many others like it. He was not a kind man. I loved him, but it was in no way healthy.

      Thanks for understanding though that I am not just going to be like, "yeah he was an ass, I'm so glad to be rid of him." Mixed feelings can be a thing. :) I am healing, and it will be good soon.

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  5. Hi Kelley,

    I wasn't going to say what Erica said, but I was thinking it too. You can and will do much better. You're still beautiful, smart, strong, resilient and spanko through and through.

    Mourn as you like, but plan for a brighter day. You don't have to hate anyone, but do love yourself. Not only do you deserve it, it places you in some great company!

    Big hugs,
    Bonnie

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    1. Hi Bonnie,
      Thank you sweetie. Your comments always make me smile. :) And yes, I think many (including me) agree with Erica. This will definitely be better off in the end.
      Hugs,
      Kelley

      PS. Look at me! Replying to comments! :) I am actually shocked to find the new "reply" button. Makes it way easier. My final excuse for being bad at it just disappeared, lol. Thought you would be proud.

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  6. I passed such an experience many years ago and I came to a conclusion: the unrequited love doesn't exist. However such situations take place everywhere and at all times. This is a vulgar mistake. This occurs if someone arrogates to his (or to her) partner some virtues which don't exist and existed never. More often such an invention of non-existent virtues happens unconsciously. But if you see him one day as he is in fact, you will want never to continue any close relations and right away you will feel a great relief.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I totally agree. Putting virtues onto a partner is so common and so painful. And I've done it many times. I get out and look back and think "what the hell was I doing???"

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    2. I would be very glad if my help is efficient.

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  7. I think Erica put it well. I am sorry you're hurting and in a rough place. But also happy you're done with the jerk.

    Being on one's own, living with one's own thoughts and flaws without distraction can be rough. Still, you're a brave, strong lass. You've traveled the world, you're smart, you're tough. You will get through this and the pain will pass away. Everyone here is a fan (not just of your work, but of you) because you're special and we are all cheering for you.

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    1. Possibly my favorite comment of all of them? :) This is kinda how I've come to feel. And this is why I love my blog and I love my fans. :) HUGS. Thank you.

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  8. Honestly, that guy sounds crazy selfish, you deserve so much better! Heck, anyone does. You're fun and beautiful and sexy, I'm sure you'll find someone who treats you right.

    P.s if I wasn't living in the UK, I'm pretty sure I would of tried to propose to you like a million times already.

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    1. LOL. Well I would probably have needed to say no, but thank you for the proposal. :)
      And thank you, :). While I did love him, despite his flaws, they did make him rather someone I shouldn't be with.
      Thank you for your comment.

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  9. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. But, considering what you have to offer, it's going to be a temporary situation. My prediction is this just clears the boards for someone that can do better by you.

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    1. Hi Rich,
      thank you for the kind words sweetie. Here's to hoping that the right man waits til I've figured myself out first!

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  10. I'm sorry for your sadness. Truly that man does not deserve a woman as lovely and as loving as you. He sounds shallow, sad and selfish, and when the dust has cleared you will see you are better off with out him. Hang in there, kid. We all get our hearts broken now and then. But this too will pass.
    much love
    JPF

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    1. Hi JPF,
      thank you so much for your comment. Sad and selfish definitely describe him well. He was not shallow, but definitely someone I am better off without. I loved him and loved what we had for a time, but as a person, he was not a good influence.
      I really appreciate your comment. It made me smile. :)
      Hugs
      Kelley

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  11. You can do better, and you will do better. These kinds of things are just temporary setbacks and you'll find the one for you. Best of luck, Princess.

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    1. Thank you so much. :) It means a lot to me :)

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  12. A daddy should never owe his baby girl money....NEVER!

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    1. Tonut-
      Oh you have NO IDEA how true I believe that to be, and how pissed I am that I am in this situation for the SECOND time now. Never again. Never.
      Kelley

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    2. ::Hugs:: ::Love::

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  13. My dear Princess Kelly:

    First of all, I apologise for being away from your blog for so many weeks. Over the last few days I have felt nudged to visit you again. Now I know why.

    Erica, Bonnie and Amadeus are right. You are better off without him. You are a better person and are made for and deserve better things. One day I believe you will indeed find your Prince.

    I have been praying for your emotional, physical and spiritual health pretty much since I found your blog many months ago now. Go shop or have a nice meal at a restaurant or something nice for yourself. I still love you :)

    *avuncular hug and forehead smooch
    Richard

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    1. Richard!
      I've missed you! :) Your hugs and forehead smooches always make me smile and feel happy.
      Your prayers and thoughts mean the world to me. And yes, I am better off, and each day I am feeling more and more confident and OK with that fact. :)
      Hope you can stick around. :)
      Biggest hugs
      Kelley

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  14. Wow Kelley,
    So sorry for your pain. All I can say is try to never forget that you are young and there are many good years and great times ahead for you.

    Rambler

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    1. Hi Rambler,
      Oh I do not feel young most days. I feel I am wasting away as the days pass, but I am trying hard to remember that there is joy in life still to come. :)
      Thank you so much for your comment.
      Hugs
      Kelley

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  15. You're young, you're lovely, you're intelligent.....when the time is right, I don't think you're going to have any trouble finding someone else, someone better who will appreciate who you are and the gift that you are. You are special, Kelley. Believe that, believe in yourself.

    Grieve and mourn if you must, scream and cry and get it out of your system, and then get out there and concentrate on yourself, treat yourself well because you deserve it.....and just be yourself, because nobody can say that you're doing it wrong.

    Hugs (if you don't mind a hug from a stranger),
    Dr. Ken

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    1. Hi Dr. Ken,
      I never mind hugs! Stranger or no. Thank you for that and for the comment. I think you nailed it. I am coming to realize who I am and I kinda like me. :)
      Hugs back
      Kelley

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  16. I am so sorry sweetie. I had no idea. You deserve better. Good for you for taking the high road when you could have given up. I have been where you are, trust me, I know it is a struggle. I hope that you will be ok and if you need to vent, talk, etc, I am here for you and always will be. Love you! - your sister (Sarah)

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    1. Hi Sister face!
      I love you and miss you too! Thank you for saying so. I am so sad I won't see you at BBW. TASSP can not get here soon enough. (well actually it needs to stay far far away because I'm not ready yet! Eek!) But I want to see you.
      Biggest hugs and love
      Your sister (Kelley)

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  17. Hi Kelley,

    I've been away from commenting for quite some time, but I wanted to add my support specifically to what Erica posted above. I remember a specific post you made a couple of years ago about how a man should treat his princess, and that comment about "get over it" was against almost every single aspect of what you posted. (I'm talking about the post that went "If she is hurting, hold her close till she feels better" - hopefully you know the one I mean)

    I can't really add much to the words of everyone above, who have pretty much summed up anything else I might say on the matter of that guy. However, I think there is a speech out there that applies quite neatly to your current situation, from the last Rocky movie.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsD83l6pIT0

    Kelley, your blog makes amazing reading, you are clearly a very intelligent, caring and not to mention hawt (sorry) young woman. You deserve WAY better than someone that will treat you like their personal doormat. You deserve someone that will wake up each day thinking of ways to make you feel happy and loved. There are people like that in the world, and you will find your prince.

    Life may kick you a few times along the way, but remember to follow your own regular advice and DFTBA.

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  18. Sorry to hear this news sweetie. It is hard to leave, for sure...

    hugs,
    ~Todd

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