Saturday, March 14, 2009

My Absence

Hey y'all (if there are any of you still out there),

I can not really explain my absence fully, as I'm not really strong enough to talk about it yet I don't think. But I will say this. John (my lover/daddy/spanker) and I have been having some Serious issues these last few weeks. And I've been living in my own personal hell since...well since the day of that last post actually. Panic attacks, days of crying, missed school, a relapse into bulimia, and a lot of other really bad, really scary things have all happened. Some of it is all my fault, and some of it is not. Some of it I will evenutally be able to explain here, and some of it I'm not sure I'll ever want to. .... But he and I are working through it. He's moved backwards in our relationship.....and I feel very very alone out here all by myself sometimes.... but I need to learn to be who I used to be again. That girl that didn't take shit from anyone. That everyone knew was the smart, tough, independent girl who didn't let anyone walk on her. I am not a doormat. And I need to remember that even if he's not in my life, that I still have a life. Friends and family who love me and will always be there for me.

So the reason that I went away....well there are a couple. One is that I was writing a really good post actually when all of this really started, and I just couldn't bring myself to finsh it...maybe I will in a few weeks. And secondly, it was just that spanking, my blog, this whole community, it used to be my escape, and then all of a sudden I felt like it was what I had to escape from.

But I am sorry that I have been gone so long. And it took an incredibly nice email from one of my readers who I will call E to remind me why I love writing here. There is so much love and support in this community. Everyone just wants the best for everyone else, and I know that when things get bad, this is somewhere I can run to. Its never something that I should run away from.

Ok, so, I'm not totally sure how my new situation with John is supposed to work. I'm not sure what rules are still in place and which ones aren't. And I honestly do NOT want to ask. I can't stand him when I ask him things- the way he gets. My job is to distract him and to keep him happy. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep myself happy. I'm not about to go hook-up with some other boy just b/c he's with this other woman tonight, b/c I know that would NOT be good for my mental well being. But that does not mean that I'm not going to post a picture here. B/c I don't know where he and I stand on that, and I figure, if he's got a problem with it, he'll let me know. If he even reads this blog anymore.

So, like I said, John and I are trying to work through everything, because we love each other so much, and because we make each other happy. So, when I was with him this past weekend, I got punished, like normal. However, this was not a normal punishment. This was a punishment that we'd put off for over a month, that had we taken care of earlier, might have really helped save our relationship. But we didn't. And so on Sunday, when my cumupance came, it wasn't just for the original infraction, but for the long standing issue I have that has been slowly eating away at our relationship. WORST SPANKING EVER. I think this was probably one of the hardest he's ever given. And was certainly the hardest I've ever recieved. The photos here are from FIVE DAYS later. The indivdual bruises from the cane had melded into those from the bathbrush.

I will share the details soon. But in any case, I promise, I'll try not to go away for so long ever again.


Princess Kelly


  1. Very glad to read your post today... and to know that even though some things are going on, you are well. Nice too to see pictures again. :)

    That was obviously one heck of a spanking. Very brave girl.

    Do hope you can use your blog as a place to vent... when that's what you need. Reading about... "Panic attacks, days of crying, missed school, a relapse into bulimia, and a lot of other really bad, really scary things"... that scares us. When spanking is working right, those are the exact sort of things that are avoided.

    Real shame that things have turned where the opposite has happened. But we know you're a smart girl and will get things on the right track... where they're working for you. Just make sure to consider your wants, needs, desires... and limits.

    Lean on your friends too. Anything we can ever do... please just ask. And do use your blog as a place to vent like we said.

    hang in there!
    Todd & Suzy

  2. Hi Princess. Sounds like you've been through a lot of rough stuff lately. Very sorry to hear that. It's encouraging that you're back blogging and working through things. It can be hard to write while you're in the middle of it. When you do feel like it, I enjoy reading and seeing how you're doing. I believe you're a smart, tough, independent girl, but like having someone to discipline you, it's good to have people you can talk to who can relate on certain levels. Real life can be a real bitch, but you're not alone here on this blog.

    Big Hugs,

  3. Oh Kelly. I hope you don't go away. We have enough in common with one another that it would be sad to lose you... that's of course selfish of me, but so be it.

    Sometimes a break is needed. I've been through a lot these days as well, and maybe it would help if this was YOUR space regarless of what anyone said. Yes small comprimises, but well, yours almost entirely.

    I understand trying to find yourself amongst the mess. In fact, that's why this resonates... I'm doing the same.

    Try to not fall into old habits, the hurt even more the second time round...

  4. Todd and Suzy-
    thank you so much for your comment. Your support has always meant so much too me, and now is no different.
    You are right, that unfortunately the things that my relationship should be working to combat are being caused by my relationship, but I think things are starting to settle back in. I'm not really sure where I am right now, but I know I hit bottom, and I can only go up from here (*crosses fingers*).

    lol, yes the spanking was beyond ridiculous. I will give details soon. :) Thank you for being here. *hug!*

    Eric- thank you so much! Its hard sometimes to remember that I'm not alone, and comments like yours really help solidify it in my mind. I'll get through this...and I'll be stronger for it. And I think this blog is going to be helpful again, which is definitely something I'm looking forward too. *hug!*

    Hey sweetie :). Lol, no it's not selfish to want me to stay. Its very sweet of you! I love having you around too. It really is awesome to have so many things in common with another person.
    You're definitely right about hurting more the second time around- and I hope that you're taking your own advice in finding yourself amongst the mess. Thank you so much for the message btw. It really means a lot. *hug!*


  5. Hang in there, Kelly. You are very brave, and in a manner, very fortunate to have this experience so early in life. Most advice from strangers is meaningless. At the end of the day, you have to answer only to yourself. And you are correct, the spanko community is very supportive of each other. Your family and friends can offer advice without knowing the "kink" details. Follow your heart, but be smart as well. Redchief

  6. Redchief- thank you for the advice and support :) even though we don't know each other, it still means a lot knowing that someone is thinking good thoughts for me.

  7. I know this was some time ago but I hope things r all well for u. I had a secret fight with bulimia for years. Sometimes it's easy to fall back into it to get the release I know I feel (this might not be the same for everyone but it was definitely a part for me). I hope you r well and I live ur writing style I went to the very beginning of ur blog and now I. Addicted it's takes talent to do that over writing. Xx

  8. Goodness me I hate auto correct!
    *felt (not feel anymore..... Well sometimes but shhh)

    *love (not live)
    *I'm (not I.)
    *it (not its)

    I had to correct as it makes me sound thick lol xx