Hey y'all (if there are any of you still out there),
I can not really explain my absence fully, as I'm not really strong enough to talk about it yet I don't think. But I will say this. John (my lover/daddy/spanker) and I have been having some Serious issues these last few weeks. And I've been living in my own personal hell since...well since the day of that last post actually. Panic attacks, days of crying, missed school, a relapse into bulimia, and a lot of other really bad, really scary things have all happened. Some of it is all my fault, and some of it is not. Some of it I will evenutally be able to explain here, and some of it I'm not sure I'll ever want to. .... But he and I are working through it. He's moved backwards in our relationship.....and I feel very very alone out here all by myself sometimes.... but I need to learn to be who I used to be again. That girl that didn't take shit from anyone. That everyone knew was the smart, tough, independent girl who didn't let anyone walk on her. I am not a doormat. And I need to remember that even if he's not in my life, that I still have a life. Friends and family who love me and will always be there for me.
So the reason that I went away....well there are a couple. One is that I was writing a really good post actually when all of this really started, and I just couldn't bring myself to finsh it...maybe I will in a few weeks. And secondly, it was just that spanking, my blog, this whole community, it used to be my escape, and then all of a sudden I felt like it was what I had to escape from.
But I am sorry that I have been gone so long. And it took an incredibly nice email from one of my readers who I will call E to remind me why I love writing here. There is so much love and support in this community. Everyone just wants the best for everyone else, and I know that when things get bad, this is somewhere I can run to. Its never something that I should run away from.
Ok, so, I'm not totally sure how my new situation with John is supposed to work. I'm not sure what rules are still in place and which ones aren't. And I honestly do NOT want to ask. I can't stand him when I ask him things- the way he gets. My job is to distract him and to keep him happy. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep myself happy. I'm not about to go hook-up with some other boy just b/c he's with this other woman tonight, b/c I know that would NOT be good for my mental well being. But that does not mean that I'm not going to post a picture here. B/c I don't know where he and I stand on that, and I figure, if he's got a problem with it, he'll let me know. If he even reads this blog anymore.
So, like I said, John and I are trying to work through everything, because we love each other so much, and because we make each other happy. So, when I was with him this past weekend, I got punished, like normal. However, this was not a normal punishment. This was a punishment that we'd put off for over a month, that had we taken care of earlier, might have really helped save our relationship. But we didn't. And so on Sunday, when my cumupance came, it wasn't just for the original infraction, but for the long standing issue I have that has been slowly eating away at our relationship. WORST SPANKING EVER. I think this was probably one of the hardest he's ever given. And was certainly the hardest I've ever recieved. The photos here are from FIVE DAYS later. The indivdual bruises from the cane had melded into those from the bathbrush.
I will share the details soon. But in any case, I promise, I'll try not to go away for so long ever again.