This time this is for me and my team. :) This is my space, and I need it. I never realized how much I need it until I suddenly felt like it wasn't mine anymore. But I need ya'll and I need my space to be.
I can't breathe. I can't eat. Nothing has stayed down in days. Well it does, but just...i'm just so upset and everything just feels so wrong, and I just want to stop hurting!
And I just realized something. I am So homesick. I've been gone and sort of on my own for 6 months now, and I miss my friends and I miss my family and I miss my friends from school. I miss my life that I understand. I miss not having to meet new people every day. I think last night was so hard in part (well it was more spankos than I'd met in my life all in one room) bc it was so hard to not realize how lonely I have been, and then see so many friends and feel like an outsider.
So now I'm just crying, and trying to make myself go buy groceries. I'm trying to snuggle with my nana and papa like always, but its just different now. This is literally my frist time being Totally on my own. In florence I had my host family and people at school even if they weren't my friends. Then I was traveling so it was an adventure. Then my mom was here, then last week was hard but I was in another woman's house. Now I'm in an apartment all by myself which I've never done before and now all of this has happened.
I feel lost.
Like in a really existential way. I graduate next year- then what am I going to do? Where will I go? I will be by myself then too. What do I want as a spanko? Am I ready to be back in a relationship? Is the scene really for me? Should I just give up on parties and the scene life and just stick to one on one stuff with just regular people?
I want to write sooo badly about my play date with Abel and Haron in part because I'm terrified I'm forgetting it. I didn't even have a day to process before all of this drama started to unfold and my stomach started acting up. I want to write bc I think it will help me remember and cherish that amazing day. But I'm scared to write bc I'm scared it will hurt. I have humiliated them in a really epic way with the way I behaved recently. They vouched for me, and they did everything for me, and now it is they, not I, who have to deal with the fall out. So I'm scared to remember, I'm scared to write, b/c what if then I remember how amazing it was and how close I felt to them. I recall vividly the connection I felt, just so perfectly, to both of them. How their hands felt on my body. How there voices sounded. How perfect it felt to be snuggled between them.... what if I remember all those things and then they can't forgive me?
I forgot how much writing this all out can sometimes help.
No new news about Michael. I think I'm going this weekend but he's still not out of ICU so I wouldn't actually be able to spend more than 15 minutes with him if that- since I'm not blood family. Thank you to everyone who messaged with support. It has meant a lot to me, and thank you so much for the prayers- I know he and his family appreciate them.
I love you all, and for those of you who have no idea what the fuck is going on and are just wondering when I'm going to start posting pictures again I will appease you as soon as I can.