Question Friday: Dick Sucking, Email Answering, Fucking, Spanking and BDSMing

Hey Team,
So I decided to steal from the Vlogbrothers again and do a question-Tuesday style video that I am calling Question Friday. :) I am hoping to make this a thing, either weekly or biweekly so send me your questions and I will try to answer as many as I can!
Enjoy!
xoxo
Princess Kelley

Merry Christmas!

Hey Team,
Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!
Just a super quick little vlog that ends with a Mozzie cameo (he has been a bit upset by the unexpected snow here, and I think that caused his little tantrum). Just thought it'd be nice to say hi in person of sorts :)


Oh, and just for the Christmas spirit:

xoxo

Princess Kelley

I Can't Always Have a Witty Title, OK?!?!

Dear Universe,

Thank you for spanking fanfiction. And for wands. :)

xoxo,
Princess Kelley

PS. Oh, and for towels! I do sometimes tend to make a mess. *blush*

"The Night"

Hey team,
So occasionally I write things down when I'm being smart and not jet letting my feelings overtake me. And occasionally those things end up being poems. They are always anxiety and never any good, but I thought I would share this one. It sucks, but hey. I never claimed to be a writer. Just a girl.

xoxo
Princess Kelley


The night is painful
because the night is empty.
It's dark and quiet;
the excitement from the day gone to rest.

The phone stays defiantly still;
inbox empty--
refresh button be damned.
When all that is left is a re-run
of an informertial you've seen twice
Or the latest from the "next great"
crossover artist on the radio.

When the constant roar
turns to a dull moan.
When the walls stop screaming,
and you hear the screams within.

The night is not painful;
the pain is omnipresent.
The night is simply quiet enough,
dull enough, to feel it.
Feel it over the stimulation
we pump ourselves full of
in fear.

I do not fear the dark.
I do not fear the quiet.
I do not fear the night.
I fear my head,
my heart,
my self.
And I fear the dark, the quiet,
-the night-
will let them loose.

Nighttime Struggles....

Hey Team,

I was going to write this as a status on fetlife, but then it ended up being way too long, so here it goes....
Does anyone else struggle with depression being worse at night? I am finding it so endlessly frustrating! I wake up in the morning feeling energized and ready to go and take on the day. I feel normal, healthy, and alive. My days are usually good- I am able to get up and out; most days I accomplish all the things I hope to accomplish, and I work with my students in the evenings, which is incredibly rewarding.

But then I am home, and most nights it's just me and Mozzie (my cat), and the dark starts to creep in. Some nights I do things and it's totally fine. I will play WoW or watch shows that I recorded that I'm excited about... but I am rarely able to get work done, and if there isn't something recorded or even some nights if there is... I just start to feel alone and... empty.

And it's not even just when I'm alone it turns out! I had my Daddy this weekend, both nights(!), and it was amazing. Beyond amazing really. Friday evening was pretty close to perfection, with some of the most amazing sex, and "making love" that I have ever had. And I just also had a good time just being with him and in his arms. But Saturday... the night was fine. Things were a bit off- Daddy was super tired from work and in a bit of a weird mood- but certainly nothing major. But I felt really separate from him, and I just couldn't shake it. And as the evening got later and later, the feelings of darkness kept creeping in until we were in bed and I was engulfed.

I was in my Daddy's arms- the safest place in the entire world- and I started crying. He was asleep, and I desperately didn't want to wake him. Partially because I really want to be able to do this on my own- he wants me to be strong, and I want me to be strong for myself. But also because Daddy isn't really the comforting type in that way. And that's ok! Please don't get me wrong. If I expected my Daddy to be something other than who he is, it would be really hard. But I know the man I love, and nothing that happened surprised me. Unfortunately, I did wake him, and he snapped at me to get over it and stop crying. That I was being ridiculous, which I was. I mean, yes, comfort would have helped and been appreciated, but like I said, I know my Daddy, and I accept him for who he is.

But so I'm laying there in his arms, and this feeling of what can just best be described as darkness is consuming me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. He rolled over and we separated, and I couldn't calm myself down. The sad quickly turned to panic and fear (I don't like my Daddy being upset with me), and a full blown panic attack started. So I reluctantly took a xanax that was on the counter (I have been trying to not take any- Daddy doesn't like it, and I had become to dependent on it- but I recognize that this was an unusual circumstance) which calmed me enough to be able to eventually sleep, and to stop crying. But this feeling of nausea and depression took over- something I haven't felt in years. Just this abyss that if I lost my Daddy I would be completely alone. That I have burned so many bridges and lost so many friendships with my own lack of communication and failed to make meaningful new ones... that I would be utterly alone. Even the thoughts of my family couldn't calm that fear, or make the sick in my stomach go away.

But I woke up this morning feeling fine. Daddy and I made up, and I had a great day with my students. But here I am again tonight, feeling insecure and scared and alone and... dark and twisty. And it is making me feel so PISSED THE FUCK OFF!!!! I thought I was better! I wanted to be better! I feel like I've made so much progress, and I have been talking with Daddy and some other people about trying to go off my medicine, which I have been on for about 4 years. I initially went on for anxiety, and stayed on when I suffered my first bought with depression two years ago. But since feeling better lately, and am on what is a really low dose,  I was hoping to go off, because there is a huge part of me that misses a lot of the anxious- it is part of who I am and part of what made me as successful as I was... and I want that part of me back...

But now with this set back... it seems like I'm not there. And I can't help feeling like I'm never going to be.

So yeah, does anyone else have a harder time at night? Has anyone been able to go off meds successfully?  Can someone please just tell me that it gets better?

xoxo
Princess Kelley

Bottoms UP!

Hey Team,

So I am having a weird day of ennui, and decided to get this post written while it popped into my head before I forget again!

This past Saturday was our local group's annual Christmas party, which could very easily be my favorite party of the year. In addition to the normal fun and shenanigans that we get into, we also do a "Naughty Santa" gift exchange which ends up being a riot, and this year was no exception.

So this was my first local party since the whole thing with Paul went down. I was kinda running it, but that is an entirely different discussion that will unfortunately never happen since everyone reads my blog, lol. Regardless, I thankfully had lots of help, and Mr. OMK took a bunch of the work on and so I got to really sit back and enjoy myself more than I usually do.

This was also my first local party not being Paul's date. My very first public spanking adventure ever was a bottoms UP party, and I was Paul's date. So there was a lot of significance to this event for me. There was a part of me that felt I needed to prove something- both to the group and to myself. I had to work hard to win over some of the people in this group- to prove I was something more than just another one of Paul's bimbo's. And I felt that I was going to have to prove again that I was worthwhile not only as a leader without him, but also just as a person. And there was certainly an aspect of proving it to myself- that Shadow Lane wasn't a fluke, and that I really can do this on my own.

Daddy talked about going with me, or at least making an appearance. He wanted to support me in whatever I am doing, but we eventually decided against it. Daddy is super BDSM, and the very casual, kinda loud, and super bratty atmosphere of Bottoms Up turned him off the last time he went (when we were first together back in February he made an appearance at a party and it was very stressful for both of us). I didn't want to end up putting pressure on myself to keep him happy to the detriment of my enjoyment, or simply for him to be unhappy. And for him, he thought it was very important that I went and showed myself that I could do it on my own. And show everyone else that I was strong on my own, and not a girl who always needed to be on a man's arm.

So! lol, I get to the party as the mixer is ending, right as everyone is heading upstairs, and there are a TON of people. The x-mas party is usually one of the largest events of the year, but there were at least 10 people there that I did not know, and that is not normal. It took me a while to get back into the swing of things, and to feel comfortable. I was very nervous- not sure what people would say or think, not sure what people knew or didn't know- but once again this group of amazing people proved themselves to be worthy of the title family. I was once again embraced with open arms, and things started flowing like nothing had changed. :)

But things for me have changed a lot in regards to spanking. I am in a BDSM relationship, not a spanking one, and while that has been wonderful and amazing and crazy and scary and erotic and exciting (I swear I will blog about this at some point!), I am a goddamn spanko! And I hadn't had a "proper" spanking since Shadow Lane on Labor Day Weekend!!! (this is from a girl who got spanked multiple times a day every day for a year and a half). Daddy gets upset sometimes when I say that I don't get spanked, given that he does smack my ass, lol, and I do receive corporal punishment as discipline, but to be fair, the man purposefully doesn't give me what he knows I want in terms of spanking just to fuck with me, lol, so he can't complain too much! I think if anything, this party just showed me how much of a spanko I am and always will be. :)

So I'm also at this point the day before my period, so super emotional and all needy and kinda little. And I was feeling guilty about an email I had sent to Mr. OMK, and about a bunch of other stuff, and I just really wanted a good spanking. Super traditional, over the knee, skirt up, panties down, firm hand on my bare bottom with lots of scolding. Unfortunately, I knew that would be hard to come by at the party since it is a playful environment, and because that sort of thing requires a lot of trust. I love these people and feel close enough to probably two of them to submit to that kind of thing, but those aren't the relationships we have. I want that from my Daddy, and it's really hard for me that I can't have that, but I'm learning to adapt...

Anywho, I just decided to have fun and let things go where they went. I have become much more relaxed about a lot of my limits lately, including those about markings, and I knew this was going to be my opportunity to play like this for a while, so I was wanting and willing to play hard. I normally end up topping primarily at these parties, and I did top and had a great time doing so, but decided to focus on bottoming (which to be frank, half way through the party, was a decision my headspace made for me), and have my needs met. :)

Ok, so onto the blow by blow (as best as I can remember) with fewer details but possibly more pictures? than normal:
NOTE: if I refer to you by the wrong name (ie scene name vs real name) or you would rather I remove mention of you, please let me know by email or text! :)

Oh dear god. I just started outlining this. I got spanked 10 separate times, spanked 2 people, and had two vanilla related things to talk about... that is going to come after work. :) For now, you will just have to be patient. ;)

xoxo
Princess Kelley

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Hey Team,

So it's been 4 years, and we're about to enter the fifth, and it's been the most ridiculous weekend ever, and I really have nothing to say that wasn't said in my Thanksgiving post (this happens every year, lol), so I am just going to say, HOLY SHIT!!! Year 5???? Really???? And that I love you all and am excited for what the next year holds.



xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. Go buy my clips! I just got the quote to finish building my site and it's expensive! lol, and I want it to happen! So I am shamelessly self-promoting ;)

Happy Spanksgiving! :)

Hey Team,

So I am getting ready for Thanksgiving and the Cowboy's game, and I just thought, hey, I should write a blog post! lol. There are so many things to be thankful for, and so I am going to just list some of the things that come to mind for me right now. This is NOT a comprehensive or exhaustive list mind you, :) but rather just a musing of love.

I am thankful for my new Daddy. He makes me feel so special and cherished. I love being his and being on his arm, and the swell of happy that I feel when he shows me off to his friends can not be explained. I am so thankful for his patience with me and my crazy, and for his desire to push me to be the most and best I can be. He is the most wonderful teacher I could ask for to discover my BDSM side, and I am loving every moment I spend with him. I am so proud to be his.

I am thankful for my beautiful sisters, Mila Kohl and Sarah Gregory. Mila is an amazing roommate and the best of friends- she makes me smile when I'm down, and laughs and cheers with me when I'm up. And Sarah is the kindest most genuine person to be around, and I am so grateful that we have created this bond, and nothing is going to tear it apart.

I am thankful for my Mozzie. :) Yes, I am possibly in an abusive relationship with my cat (I have more scars than any one person ever should) but there is nothing like the love I get when I walk in the door, or the feeling of him cuddled on me in bed.

I am thankful for Zyrtec. I am allergic to my Mozzie. Nough said. :)

I am thankful to live in a country where we have an entire holiday dedicated to being thankful. And where we have peaceful transitions of power. And where I can do this!

I am thankful for my family- my parents and brother. We have our issues, but I could not have possibly asked for a more supportive family. They have taken everything I have thrown at them in stride, and not only accept who I am, but do their best to be involved in my life. I am thankful that my mom is finally healthy, and I am thankful for everyday I get with them.

I am thankful to our military and our veterans. Thank you for being awesome. :) And for looking so good in those uniforms ;)

I am thankful for Model Mayhem. It has helped my dreams of being able to model professionally come true, and has helped me feel more comfortable in my skin than I ever have before.

I am thankful for Fetlife. For bringing people together, and for continually making me "Kinky and Popular." Lol, I have certainly never been popular before.

I am thankful for Miss Rose's evil paddles, London Tanners wicked straps, Mr. Zia's crazy creations, Miss Kitty's beautiful wood, and for Walmart and Bed Bath and Beyond for carrying such amazing brushes and spoons. :) Anything to get my butt spanked... I am thankful and happy! lol

I am thankful for BDSM. It's fun... way more fun than I thought it would be. Oh yeah, and for condoms ;)

I am thankful for Ralph Marvel. He is an amazing man, and I am so fortunate to have him in my life. :) And I am so grateful to how awesomely thin I look over his lap. :) And how good it feels to be there.

I am thankful for Shadow Lane. You introduced me to spanking all those years ago, and then introduced me to my idols. You brought me together with my sisters, and showed me that I could be strong on my own.

I am thankful to Pandora Blake. You are possibly my favorite person on the planet, lol. I am thankful that she is making my website dreams come true, and I am grateful that she made her spanking dreams come true, bc they are fucking hot. And I am grateful to know her- she is my role model, and I hope to do her proud some day. :)

I am thankful for Bottoms Up and the local community. I could not possibly have ever asked for a better group of people to call my friends and my family. You have always made me feel welcomed and safe, and I am so proud to be a part of such an amazing organization.

I am thankful for Rachel Maddow. For World of Warcraft and for Nerdfighteria. And for really good bras.

I am thankful for Paul. He taught me so much during our time together and showed me so much in this world. He gave me so many opportunities, and opened up new roads for me. I learned who I am and who I'm not with him, and I wouldn't be where I am had I not been with him. I am thankful for the time we had together, and for the love we shared.

I am thankful for my past, my present and my future.

I am thankful for my health and safety. For the ridiculous blessings I have in this life. For my happiness and my occasional sanity.

And most of all, I am thankful for my fans/readers/lurkers/stalkers/friends. For everyone who has stuck with me in good times and bad. To this community that has enriched my life in so many ways. For my blogging friends who have supported me and been amazing... thank you all. You make not only this worth while, but also just make me happy. :) We are about to enter year 5... and there is no way I would have come even close to this far without y'all.

xoxo
Princess Kelley

Love Our Lurkers Day

Hey Team!

So today is the 7th annual Love Our Lurkers Day! Started of course by the inimitable Bonnie, LOL is a day for us bloggers to say how much we appreciate our lurkers, and to try to persuade some of y'all to say hi!

As someone who has still as a percentage spent more of my life online as a lurker than a participant, I totally understand lurking, and I try to always remember that you are out there. :) And especially given the ups and downs my blog has been through, I am so grateful to everyone that is here- lurker or otherwise!

But here is your opportunity to say hello, whether you're a long time lurker, long time poster, new reader, or complete stranger, click the comment button and introduce yourself!!!

I love you team! You are, as I like to say, FUCKING AWESOME! lol :)

xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. Sorry I haven't had any new candid photos lately- I will try to work on that soon :)

The Public Eye vs. The Private Life

Hey Team,
So I started this post last week- just got my thoughts down on paper while they were still fresh- but hadn't had a chance or the desire to finish it until now. Thus it is rather disjointed and hard to follow, but I think I get my point across. So here it goes:

Don't really know how to start this so I suppose I will just begin. I currently am finding that I want to share less and less of my personal life here, in part because my life is so different now than what it used to be. It used to be just me and my lovers and partners and that was it. I knew no one. I had never been in a room with more than one spanko until London (two years after I started my blog), and then it was another year before my first party. Yeah my face was there, and I had plenty of online friends, but for the most part, it was pretty anonymous. Or at least I still had the feeling that it was. Perhaps not anonymous so much as isolated…

Now I am not only a model, but also, and perhaps more importantly, someone who plays in the local scene. It somehow feels OK to tell the details of my sex life and fantasies to people on the other side of the globe, or even just people in front of their computers in the house next door. But I am not inclined to do so to the guy in the corner of the local dungeon. Actually, I don't mind when strangers (even local strangers) read and then say they are fans. But it’s weird that people I know and play with or hang out with- scene friends IRL (because I have those now)- read this... sometimes feels like I can’t be fully open...

I remember having this issue when I dated that guy in London briefly (you would have to be a really dedicated fan to remember that). He had been a fan, and that was how we met. And he read the blog. So it was strange to write because I knew he would read it eventually. Edward never did, and neither did the ex. Even Paul didn't read the blog unless I asked him to…

In regards to the issue of being in the “scene,” I had a similar problem with Sarah and Paul. But that had so many different facets to it the comparison isn't entirely true. Both of them are in the public eye in a professional way, so for people to know about their lives isn't all that strange. It's a persona- it’s a role in many ways even if it is also their lives. So it feels different, both in regards to what I can say about the other people in my life, and also in regards to what I can say about myself.

Now I find myself with someone who is a pretty big deal in the local community, but not in the same sort of public way that Paul was. Daddy does have a public face to keep up- he has to be a good image for his store- but most of the part of him that is in the scene is just him, straight up. Paul’s entire life was the scene, but it was the spanking scene as a whole, not simply the local community (and Daddy’s is a community I don’t belong to or understand. Paul’s was my community too. I wasn’t a stranger there). He had been with models before, and was always someone who put himself out there and didn’t really give a shit about the backlash. Me blogging was never an issue. He understood that it came with.

Daddy… well he reads my blog now. Apparently he read it some when we weren’t together too- or at least he kept up with me. Had never heard of me before we met, and has never read the back logs, but he reads it now. He had read my last post before I told him that I had posted it…. Certainly changes how I look at talking about things…

---

All of this is making me think- why did I want to do this in the first place? What was it that made me think I should share my deepest desires anonymously on the internet? It’s attention and love, but a rather craven and shallow form of the two. The love of fans is never the same as true love. You are trying to prop yourself up on the love of others, but that means you fall with it as the ever mercurial nature of public attention wavers or falters…. When I came out to my brother, he said that it tends to be very insecure people who do porn- because they are searching for some sort of acceptance and love and validation that they can’t find elsewhere…. And I’m not going to lie, we all know that part of why I did this after the first month was because it made me feel beautiful for the first time…

It’s not that I don't want to share anymore. More like I wish I felt like I could share in the way I used to. I just want to get it out. Have my public diary. Anonymously… or at least with that illusion of anonymity. But now feeling anonymous would be more of a delusion than an illusion….

---

I recently for the first time ever defined myself as a model. Like a professional model, and not a blogger or producer or kinkster or any of those other things I have always clung to in resistance to being a "model." But the truth finally is that I am a model. I, more often than not, am relating something here that is in a way professional. But that doesn’t mean though that what I’m relating isn’t also personal, because somewhere along the way, those became one in the same.

I want to find a way back to (or forward to) a public life that makes me feel I can share my private thoughts. That I don't have to keep my private life secret and hold onto it so dearly, given that my public life is in so many ways most people’s most intimate of private lives. I am hoping that I no longer have to so fervently grasp at the privacy that withholding gives me the illusion of but never really bring me….

So I’m going to be working on that. It’s going to be an experiment. We’ll see how it goes. For now, I think I will just pretend that no one I know reads this. That all the commenters are my online friends, whom I love but will never actually meet… going to pretend that none of this has consequences.

Illusion or delusion?

Xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. OMG I apologize for the grammatical and compositional clusterfuck that this post is. I was in a really weird headspace when I wrote the snipits the first time, and linking together random thoughts that are meant to be profound... well it's not particularly easy. And I didn't exactly succeed, but I didn't want to scrap this post either. So don't judge, lol.

The Only Certainty in Life is that Everything Changes

Hey Team,

So it's late, and I don't have much really to say on this subject specifically. I have a lot to say in general though, and all of those things are predicated on this, so I figured I should get it over with.

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately, as many of you already know, some for the worse, but most for the better. Some that started out poorly have turned to new opportunities and new chapters.

For the basic, I have moved. Well only in the most literal of ways. I still live in the same apartment complex actually, just moved into a two bedroom with the wonderful Mila Kohl. My lease was coming up on my one bedroom, and my parents had been hinting that they thought getting a roommate would be a good idea, so that I didn't become a crazy cat lady with it just being me and Mozzie. I explained that given my kink factor, and that I really love having my own place, that wasn't likely. Then randomly, in Vegas, Mila asked if I was looking for a roommate. So, a bunch of really spontaneous and not necessarily well thought through, but definitely good decisions later, Mila and I are living together.

Also, pretty sure I've mentioned this one, but I have kinda become a professional model in the nude/vanilla sense. It's been really fun. It's honestly just a hobby, but something I definitely enjoy and am proud to have been able to do. My MM page for anyone that's interested is http://www.modelmayhem.com/2775120

The main change of course has come romantically. As most of you probably all ready know, Paul was arrested over Labor Day on white collar crime charges that pertain to before I knew him. He is in Dallas, but when and if he will be released is uncertain. That is all the details I am prepared to release, please don't ask for more.

The irony of all that is the day before I found out what was happening I had decided that I was wanting to start moving away from being with him. He and I have been together almost a year and a half, with a lot of that him trying to get rid of me, lol. He wanted me to move on, to find someone that could make me happy, that I could have a future with, that could love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. And for me, after returning from Europe, and just growing a lot over the last year, I realized it was time for me to grow and go out on my own. To venture forth. I still wanted him as my Daddy, but he was going to move out, and we would start to separate. Because while I love him dearly, I wasn't in love anymore.

Of course what happened changed everything. Suddenly my time table got ripped from me, as did my Daddy. Panic and loyalty set in. I decided to stay with him as best I could. However, I quickly realized that while I could stay with him in support and as a friend and love, he was no longer in any sort of position to be my Daddy, nor was staying with him going to be good for me. I was already wanting to go out and grow, and now I was going to be attached to someone in jail? But god, I love him.

Vegas changed a lot for me. It made me see that I could do this on my own. That I have friends, family really, in this scene that will help me through, and that I don't need him to have fun. I then got into an albeit brief but extremely meaningful and wonderful relationship of sorts with Ralph Marvel. Sadly, distance and age made our relationship not a particurarly viable option. But he showed me that there was love to be had outside of Paul, and that there were other men out there. Were the fates different... we really are wonderful together...

Anyway. Speaking of the fates. They seem to have played a rather large and rather strange part in all of this. About two weeks after Vegas there was an event here called Beyond Vanilla, and I wanted to go just to the vendor's fair to look for a corset for a shoot. I wasn't really ready to make any appearances back in the local scene, but Mila went with me, and it was fun. And who would I spot, but Daddy_O. So I realize now that somehow in the cluster fuck desert that this blog became last year, I managed to just not ever write about my brief but ridiculously meaningful relationship wtih Daddy_O that I had in February. He runs the local kink store and I met him by chance one day with Francesca, and I pretty much did what later became the song call me maybe, lol. :) He is not a spanko. He is kink to the core though, married, poly, hot, 35, and often just scary as fuck. And as I like to say, a smug SOB.

Me and Daddy at the local Fetish Ball last month.
B&W theme. I was innocent in pure white. He
of course, is all black :)

Anywho, he and I didn't work the first time around. In large part because of my relationship with Paul. He really wanted me to get out there and have other relationships because this was at a bad part in the triangle with Sarah, and so when I met Daddy_O, I wanted to pursue it. He was scary and exciting, and our chemistry is almost palpable. I just feel physically drawn to him whenever I am around him. I called our relationship "the chess match" because it was all just a mental game- a wonderful mind fuck. But I was still attached to Paul. Daddy_O called it my safety net. And when things got hard, and looked like they weren't going to work since we are SO different, we just... gave up? I don't really know how to describe what happened. But it was over as quickly as it started.

But when I saw him at Beyond Vanilla... as the title says, everything changes. Well, in this case everything but our chemistry. We had not spoken since we were together, but I went up to him... I couldn't resist. And it was like no time had passed, but all the obstacles were gone... or at least different. I am more open to new things. I have come to accept that my limits can grow with me and that doing so isn't a lack of integrity, it's having self understanding. I have grown to realize that I want to be able to stand on my own. I have grown to most days when a man threatens to leave to go and open the door- to be strong enough to never beg again. I have changed in that I don't have my safety net, but nor do I need or want one. And I have changed in that I am willing to just be happy and enjoy and try and at least try not to overcomplicate or analyze the future, or clear lack there of. I am going to be happy, and strong, and love with everything that I am and can be, but not let myself get lost in the process. Because I think I love myself now... or at least I am starting to... and starting to accept and love my life... be happy with where I am.... and that is certainly a change.

Daddy and Miss O. They were displeased
with me and I was seated- the "double dom face"
was too good not to capture. She is so pretty and
he is so hot... this pic makes me smile. :)

So long story short (too late), Daddy_O is my new Daddy. He is leading me on this crazy journey though BDSM and sex and love that I am really excited to share with y'all. I have fallen head over heels in love with him, and I haven't felt that way since "the ex" over 4 years ago. We are... "it's complicated." We're in a relationship for all intents and purposes, but I mean, he's still married, so... yeah. His wife, Miss_O, is awesome, and she has been a huge supporter of our relationship since the first time around. She and her boyfriend are wonderful people, and I feel priveldged to know them. So yeah. They're poly. But I'm not. I am monogomous to him. Just like Paul was, but I wasn't. And my ex sorta was and I wasn't.... I still retain the title single, just like I have for the last 4 years... but my heart (and all the rest of me) belongs to him now. And nothing makes me happier than that fact.

So now when I say Daddy, I mean Daddy_O (aka Sex_Luthar on fetlife) and Paul will be refered to as Paul from now on. I was hoping that he and I would remain close through this given that he always said that was what he wanted and this was what he wanted for me, but given his recent actions, I don't think that is going to be the case. I love him and will always support him, but he is not good for me right now. So life keeps going and everything changes...

xoxo
Princess Kelley

PS. Oh yeah, one more change...
 um...
...I had sex! :)

Mom Update

Hey team,
So I just wanted to give you all an update on my mom.s situation. As you all probably remember, my mom was diagnosed with anal cancer around Christmas last year. All of your support meant so much to me and my family- there really aren't words to express how much. I know I didn't do the best job replying and keeping up- I never do- but that really meant the world. My mom laughed that she had so many different people praying to so many different gods, somebody had to listen. And then she laughed that the kink community was praying for her and keeping her in their thoughts- more people can't hurt she said.

Treatment for the anal cancer was really really rough. She went through chemotherapy and radiation, which was a total bitch. At first it was fine but things went down hill quickly. She got third degree burns all in her privates from the radiation. She had horrible diarrhea from everything and so she wasn't eating anything or keeping it down which resulted in such severe dehydration that she had a heart episode and had to be hospitalized. She was in the hospital after that for a couple of weeks so she could have an iv all the time and round the clock care- my dad tried so hard but just couldn't always be what she needed.

After that the decision was made that she would be moved to a nursing home for the duration of the treatment and side effects. That was hard- the place just felt like death to me- but they took good care of her and she preferred it bc she wasn't a burden on the family.

She was released from the nursing home around Easter this year and things were looking up. The diarrhea was finally subsiding and she was gaining weight- she was down at about 106 pounds and is 5 8- and gaining strength. She cut what was left of her hair into a pixie cut which I think now looks cute as its filled in. Her hair is now dark like mine with silver streaks which is strange since she has been blonde my whole life. She has her wig and she was getting back to life as normal.

They went on a trip to celebrate her recovery- just to bermuda so it wasn't too stressful for her- and by this summer things were looking up. A trip to Colorado and Italy were planned and she was stronger and happy.

Then unfortunately we got some bad news. While we got the great news that it looked like the treatment had worked and there was no evidence of cancer, there was a blip on her pet scan on her thyroid that needed to be checked out. They said there was only like a 20 percent chance it was cancer.

It was cancer. We found out actually the day before all state- not a good week that week lol. Thankfully it is a totally unrelated cancer- really what are the chances of that!- and they caught it really early. Plus as far as cancers go, thyroid is one of the easier. They just take out your thyroid and you take medicine for the rest of your life. It just sucked you know? She thought she was done. Had all these trips planned, was excited for life to be back to normal and then bam!

So she put the surgery off so she could travel and enjoy her time as much as possible- residual back problems from the fall off the horse in January and the radiation made golf hard but Italy was good.

So she had her surgery this morning and I am typing this on my phone as she is asleep here in the hospital. The surgery went well they say but she is in a lot of pain. She said its worse than she expected. But I mean they slit your throat open- not going to be easy or pleasant.

So hopefully this is the end of the cancer. Got it all over in one year. Again, thank you all for all the support- you really have no idea what it means to me.

Got to go now. I love you all.

Xoxo
Princess Kelley

Glitter Photo Shoot

Hey Team,

Sorry for the epic fail in posting. Getting back on that asap. So I have started doing photo modeling in the last two weeks, and while I want to and will write about what that means for me and just yadayada I am feeling lazy right now and just feel like posting pictures. So, here are some of the shots from my latest photo shoot that I did with Young Wang using tons and tons of glitter! :) Enjoy

xoxo
Princess Kelley

Shadow Lane Part 2.2: Friday Night

Hey Team,
continuation of Part 2.1...

So I would say that the turning point for the weekend was after the vendor fair on Friday night. Sarah and I made it back to the room and were both pretty spent. I'd been up 17 hours at that point and really just wanted to crash. I didn't want to have to go party. But I made the decision that I would not out of obligation as I might have in the past, but rather out of genuine desire. I knew the party was only that weekend and I didn't want to miss out on my opportunity to get to have fun.

Mila came back in the room and we were all just exhausted and Sarah broke down. And to be honest, were it not for being able to focus on her, I would have been a mess- it would just hit you in waves. And Mila, being the sweetest person in the world that she is, took it upon herself to comfort us. I wish I could remember what she said, but it felt so honest and profound and true that my soul felt soothed. And then she busted out the ukulele and we were lost, lol. She sang to us and played her ukulele to cheer us up. :) And this is why I love my sisters. :) I then decided that fuck it, I was opening the bottle of wine I had purchased with Paul to celebrate that morning, and god damn it, I was getting wine glasses from that hotel no matter what it took! lol.

My Friday night outfit, as seen in a video with Pandora Blake

Sarah's Friday night outfit as seen in a Clicko photo shoot

Sarah got back into herself, and we all spent over an hour debating what to wear. I really would have rather just gone naked, but that's generally frowned upon in public places like hotels (even in Vegas) :). I ended up in my red satin and black lace teddy (there are no photos from this night for which I apologize dearly! But here is me in the same outfit in a sensual video I did with Pandora back at Texas) because it didn't require any thought, lol. Sarah's outfit was epically amazing, and I hope a photo exists somewhere (just called her- she is emailing one asap: UPDATE: how hot does she look in that?!?!? Want that outfit now!!! lol)! It was a green girdle and fucking smoking hot. :) All of our outfits were actually based on hers- we decided to just go in lingerie. :) Mila looked like a barbie in this white ensemble and her blonde hair and tan skin- we got some photos out our window the next morning :). Poor girl with all her crazy bruises. :(

Mila's Friday outfit and the view out our Vegas window

Anywho, so I started downing wine like it was vodka (yes you can pound wine as long as it's good wine- it makes me really sad to do, but occasionally other things are more pressing) once the wine glasses and Mila's friend Carter Cane finally arrived. We had taken so long and had been having so much fun getting ready and getting buzzed that we almost missed the naked flogging- and I swear Sarah was going to kill me if we missed it! lol. But I haven't had real girl time since like freshman and sophomore years of college, and this felt good and it felt right.

So we went upstairs to Joe (Dr. Lecter) and Ten's suite (they had some amazing parties and I really got to bond with them this party in a way I didn't get to at Texas- they are wonderful and I am so happy to be friends with them.) because they were having a gigantic group flogging at midnight, and Sarah and I could definitely use one. But of course by the time we got up there they had already started and there were 5 girls laying naked on the bed including Ten, and we were like, "Noooo we want in!"

Everyone laughed but a couple of the girls were ready to get up so we just decided to tag in. Sarah jumped in first followed by Mila. I was socializing a bit but then yelled at quickly and ordered to "strip and get on the damn bed Kelley!" lol. "Ok, ok, hold your horses! I need to get naked." So I excused myself from my conversation with Ralph and I think JP or John and put down my toy bag and thankful for my easy off outfit got naked in less than 5 seconds. Anyone who didn't know me well (which would be the majority of the room) was suddenly aware I'm not modest. lol.

So it's just the three of us on the bed and Erica walks in and sees that Finneous is flogging along with Joe and immediately wants in. I internally fan girl and self deprecatingly squeal at her to come get in next to me, and she smiled and laughed and obliged. So Erica is on one side of me, Mila on the other and Sarah on the other side of her. It was a really fun experience, and none of us cared enough about the photographer to pay attention to posing, so we all look kinda blah in the pic, but whatever. :) It was a fun experience. I yelled at someone to switch floggers at one point bc their fancy ones hurt too much and offered my bag of toys to aid. After about 20 minutes my fibro myalgia was screaming so I had to get up, but overall, it was a really fun experience and a great bonding moment with the girls. :)

After righting my clothing I went back to socializing and had a good time just getting to talk to people. I was buzzed enough to loosen up but sober enough to make smart choices. I normally am anti drinking at ALL at parties, but I love wine, I know my limits and it was that or xanax, and I was low on xanax, lol. ;) At this moment I also had the most amazing mini conversation with Gino Coletti of Shadow Lane fame. So Gino is a very handsome man who has been in some pretty famous videos, most likely best known for being in Samantha Woodley's debut, I Married a Brat. He is also pretty well known at parties for actually being a switch and often preferring to bottom. Now, some might say that I shouldn't share this story, but I think it's all in good fun, and we were both tipsy and having a great time. I think he is a sweet guy, and I loved getting to meet him.

But let's talk about first impressions! lol. So he and I started talking- I don't know how that happened- and I mentioned that he was actually in the very first spanking video I ever purchased (which is true). He asked which one ("I've been in like 14") and I replied The Spanking Bodyguard. He seemed rather shocked, which doesn't surprise me. It's one of the older ones of his and probably not the most popular- I haven't ever seen that girl in a different video (it was kinda all about him)- but it just struck a crazy chord with me. He laughed and smiled and called a few people over to hear me tell this again. :) And then said with all the ooze in the world, "Soo, how would you feel about spanking Gino Coletti?"

Now, I'm listed as a switch, and I don't mind topping guys by any means. It used to be a hard no, but I've gotten into it this past year. But I'm pretty certain my response was shocked laughter and then saying that, "I'm not sure. I think that might cause my understanding of spanking to implode." I mean, I can know that he's a switch in my brain, but like... no! He's a top! He's... he's... no! lol. :) Masculine, dominant, and... my childhood!... nope. I do not accept this reality.

We laughed and said we might have a switch session the next day. It was yet another play date that never did happen, but he was a nice guy, and another person to put on the "oh my god you won't believe who I met" list.

Too be fair, I don't actually remember how I ended up over Ralph Marvel's knee other than that I know John orchestrated it somehow. I must have been bratting someone... that's how it always starts! God... I wish I remembered this scene better, but I was so tired and so much happened, and he and I played a LOT that weekend. The first is memorable of course because it's the first. But our best sessions were definitely on Saturday and Monday (which I will of course tell you about later!).

I remember he stood me in front of him before he started and looked oh so deliciously stern. I remember  feeling so small and safe over his lap. He is 6ft4, and you can feel it when you're with him. It was like I fit there. And his hands- Oh.my.god. I had heard about these famous hands, but they have to be experienced! His hand covers my entire bottom cheek in one swat. "Little" me just went crazy for it. And everyone knows how much I love a good hand spanking- he delivers! They are like a paddle with intensity but with that glorious feeling of flesh on flesh that can't be replaced by anything. I think he is one of those few people who could deliver a real punishment just with his hand.

And then when he scooped me up after and let me sit on his lap...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... :) lol. I just burrowed into his neck and felt so safe and calm. Other people came in and we actually had like a half hour conversation with me just sitting there on his knee with my panties still down. It just felt comfortable and easy. :) 

So it was getting late at that point (around 1 or 1:30), and I had lost Mila (who I was worried about) and Sarah, and I wanted to go downstairs and check out the other parties. Plus the-man-who-must-not-be-named had promised to play with me if we found each other that night, and I was not about to let that slip by! So I convinced Ralph and John to escort me down to the other party- they were such gentlemen, actually the insisted on it despite my protests that I was fine by myself. And we were talking and John was teasing me like crazyyyy and we were actually talking about the the-man-who-must-not-be-named when we spotted him coming down the hall towards us out of the party room.

What transpired next was my favorite moment of the entire party.

So John chuckles and Ralph smirks and KJ smiles as he walks up and we meet him like half way. I am blushing so red I must have been the shade of my dress and trying to remember how to breath. I have just been spanked by Ralph Marvel who is towering over me to my left (I'm bare foot at this point so he's got about a foot on me). John is in front of me and he isn't no slouch either- a well built handsome man that is definitely the dominant type, and definitely in control of this situation. And up walks the-man-who-must-not-be-named to my right, and as always my ability to perform even the most basic of functions when near him stops. The hallway wall is behind me and these three dominant men are towering over me, all smiling like cats with the cream... (insert your own cream joke if you must!)

I will try to recreate this for you, but so much of it was all about eye contact that I won't be able to, but it went about like this.
KJ: "Hey guys"
John: "Hey there, we were just talking about you." Ralph is chuckling knowingly.
KJ: "Oh really?"
John: "Well we were just walking this one here [looking at me, causing the two others to turn and look at me as well] down to the other party. But you know she has kind of a crush on the two of you. [their smiles get bigger, my blush gets redder, and I think I squeaked in protest] and she just got through getting spanked by this one [gesturing to Ralph] and I think it's your turn."
Ralph and KJ chuckle and John smiled so big you think his face would split in two. He was enjoying me squirm wayyyyy too much! And they will look at me, but they address each other when they talk- like I'm not even there!
KJ: "Oh Reallyyyyy?"

Now they are all looking at me smiling with these grins just loving watching me squirm. And I (who love being embarrassed like this but almost never am) am just waiting for the world to open up and swallow me whole or for me to wake up in bed realizing it was all a dream. It was like a cartoon- their three sets of eyes with Ralph and KJ on my sides all making me feel just about 6 inches tall in the best way possible. Then KJ and John look back at each other as they continue to discuss me.

John: "Yep. I think you should take her with you maybe." Ralph laughs. You might have noticed, I still haven't spoken. I have gotten out a few mews and squeaks but that's about it.
KJ: "Well then. Young lady [finally actually addressing me even though they've been talking about me the whole time!], I think you should come with me." He grabs my upper arm firmly but not hard and starts walking me towards the elevator. My mouth opens and closes to speak but no words ever actually come out as I look at Ralph and John who are just laughing while I'm being carted off to my "doom." KJ started scolding me for being so naughty as we walked to the elevator and that damn voice.... god that voice.

So given that I am referring to him as the-man-who-must-not-be-named, you can probably guess that I can't tell you much about what happened. He asked for me not to, and I will respect his wishes, even though my desire is to shout from the rooftop every detail! He and Ralph were pretty much the focus of my weekend though along with Mila and Sarah so he will be mentioned more, and our sessions will be referred to (we played Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night), but I can't give you details. :(

I will just tell you what I told him. "You could have sucked you know? I mean you're you! You could have been painfully average or even not very good and this still would have been one of the most memorable and amazing experiences of my life. I mean I've had a crush on you since I was 13! You could have sucked! But you didn't! You don't! That was amazing! Like top 5 ever!"

In truth, I was understating. It was the best spanking I have ever received. Certainly the best "session" type I had ever done. And those three all make top 5. :)

Mila had texted me right when I went into his room asking where I was- I had been searching everywhere for her. I texted my reply and she told me later, "I knew I wouldn't be seeing you for a while, and that you were fine." I got back to the room about 3:30 or 4, and Sarah and Mila had waited up for me, in the bed eager for details. I was in the craziest subspace ever, and just couldn't stop smiling. I might have squealed a little. They laughed and smiled. I don't know who teased me more about it over the weekend- John or Mila. But I see Mila all the time still and she still teases me! Lol. Just says his name to watch me blush. :)

So yeah, we curled in bed together- supporting each other. Longest day ever. Worst and best. And I went to bed thinking, I can do this. :)

xoxo
Princess Kelley

tbc in part 3 asap!

Shadow Lane Part 2.1: Friday Evening

Hey Team,

So Friday was one of the longest days of my life for a variety of reasons. It was literally one of the longest that didn't involve term papers or intercontinental travel as it started at 4:30 AM and ended at 4:00 AM the next morning. Also one of the longest emotionally given what happened with Daddy. And one of the longest given everything that happened after. (I outlined this post last night so I would remember what I wanted to say and it has a whopping ten parts!)

So as I said, it started very early, and my dad picked me up to take me to the airport (Paul left two days prior so he and Sarah could spend some time together), and then with the time change, it was only about 8:30 in the morning when I arrived. Daddy picked me up from the airport and we ran a couple of errands and then arrived back at the hotel. And that's when it happened. 

So Daddy had to leave the party, and I had to wake Sarah up and explain the situation to her as best I could with my limited understanding. My plans for any sort of nap obviously thwarted we spent the rest of the morning crying, consoling each other, and trying to do anything we could to protect ourselves, our family, and just... just do what we could. I was planning on leaving- just booking a flight and going home. But it would have been more expensive, and Sarah needed me, and I knew that Daddy would want me to stay at the party. Me going to Shadow Lane was so important to him. Part of me thinks he took the risk he did so that I would go- he knew how long I had been dreaming of it...

Anywho, so I helped get my baby sister Mila Kohl moved into our room after her shoot with Shadow Lane (one of the best moments was us on the phone during her shoot Mila: "Uh, I'm shooting with uh... Shadow Lane." Me: "Ohmygod! Who is the top?" Mila: "Uhmm... some guy named Ralph.... Marvel?" Me: "OHMYGOD YOU ARE LIVING MY DREAM AND YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND!!!" she laughed :)), and she convinced me to go the newbie party with her. And I am so glad that she did. It was the perfect way to start the weekend. Just the few experienced people hosting, and a bunch of people who were at their first SL just like me. I got to see plenty of old friends from Texas and beyond... I have never been so happy to see friends- the hugs and supportive words I got from Joey (whooperine on fet) and Bob the DJ gave me that extra boost of strength I was so needing at that moment. Also got to see Zoey (-lostkitten) who I roomed with in Texas and love dearly, as well as some amazing friends from Dallas including the Miss Jackie Daniels, JP, and some others who I don't think would like to be mentioned by name on my blog :)

I also had the immense pleasure of meeting some new people (well new to me) most of whose names I do not remember because I just suck at names and I am sorry in advance! I got to meet a ridiculously hot new couple who I was supposed to play with but we were never able to work it out (you know who you are and if you see this tell me what I can call you on here! lol), which was a bit of a theme of mine during the party. Other than the big group scenes, I actually only played with two people the whole weekend. 

But one of the sweetest people I met this party was Jersey John. I think he was one of the people hosting the newbie party given that he definitely wasn't new. He has been coming to SL parties literally since I was a toddler. And he was friendly and funny, and he overheard me having a conversation with the other host of the party. I was saying how I was really nervous and scared now without my Daddy, given that I'd never been to even a small local party without him before, and now here I was at the biggest party and feeling just incredibly alone. Daddy tells me who is safe, he introduces people... suddenly, I was all alone having to be strong. So John piped in when he heard me say that I was also sad because there were so many people that I wanted to play with, but that Daddy always sets up my play with others that don't ask me to play. I will brat people I know, but famous tops... yeah.. he brokers those. And he promised that he would set me up to play with Ralph Marvel and the man who shall not be named by his request but who you all should know given my level of obsession with him and whose initials are KJ (he shall be referred to in these posts as KJ or the-man-who-shall-not-be-named) because Daddy knew them and wanted me to get to play.

So John the with the biggest most knowing smirk ever just looks at me and says, "So you want to play with Ralph and KJ huh?" "*blush* Yeah I really do. I have kinda been in love with them since I was 13." His grin gets even bigger. "Well you know, he is my roommate. We've been best friends for like 20 years. And KJ and I are really good friends too. I could definitely hook that up for you... if you wanted." And he had this shit eating grin on his face that wouldn't quit as I'm openly gaping at him, trying not to die. I played it cool though, laughing, commenting that being Ralph's wingman was probably the best way to get chicks ever. :) Unfortunately for me, John had seen my blush, and heard me gushing about them and he decided that if he was going to make my weekend by hooking that up for me (which he did) then he was also going to do his damnedest to embarrass me beyond belief! He would succeed in both goals. 

The moral of Friday in general though, from that first little munch, to the whole evening was that this scene, despite all the bullshit and drama... the people that are your friends are really there for you. People you wouldn't even expect. I would never have been able to get through this without so much help. Friends kept coming up to me and Sarah just to let us know that they not only were "there for us" as everyone said, but that they would protect us, and look out for us, and to let us know if we were scared or had problems with people at the party. I never did, but I was scared, and knowing that there were dozens of men and women ready to step up and go to bat for me... it makes me feel so ashamed that I ever thought about leaving this community.

Anywho, so Sarah and I got ready for the Vendor's Fair, my one time that I had to be in character all weekend. We were both still really struggling, and I would say that this was emotionally the most difficult part of the weekend for me. Still scared and confused and still not sure if I could stand on my own two feet yet... But we had to do it. Sometimes shit happens, but women still have to put on a happy face and make it work. And Sarah and I had each other. I will be discussing that more as this continues as well, but it was a big theme- us truly becoming sisters over the weekend. I feel so close to her now and love her deeply- we can get through anything together, and I believe we will stick together no matter what. 

So we go down to the ballroom together with all of our gear and start to get set up. I get introduced to Tony Elka which was amazing, and he-who-shall-not-be-named was also there already and came up to me. He had heard through the grapevine last year about my tiny obsession with him and had sent me an email, so we had corresponded a bit before. He gave me a hug and said hi... I tried really hard to remember how to speak (another common theme of the weekend) and then saved my pride by claiming I had to go run and set up, but that we would talk later. :)

The vendor's fair was fun, and a typical vendor's fair, though I was better about not spending all of my money at this one! I hadn't eaten all day (another theme of the weekend) but with the help of Mila (in her adorable blue tutu to match mine), Zoey, Sarah, Finneus, Joey and some other friends- I'm not sure all the scene names, sorry!- I was able to get a bite or two to eat and not pass out during (food was awesome btw!). I got to have my table next to Miss Rose of Compass Rose Paddles which was a huge highlight. I absolutely adore her and respect her (and really want to play with her next party please! lol) as well as her craft, and she gave me lots of supportive and strength building looks throughout, reminding me that I could do it- that it's "showtime" and to keep my face on. But the lulls were hard. Time not occupied when my mind could wander... I could see Sarah struggling too.

But there definitely were some amazing high points as well. Namely meeting all of my spanking industry idols. Starting with THE Erica Scott! She came over to me and I saw her when she got like 20 feet away and I might have screamed a little when she smiled and waved at me. Readers of my blog will remember when she made her first appearance in the comments on here and I had my fangirl freak out- so we were online acquaintances- but meeting her in person was just amazing! She is SO sweet and indulged my fangirling over her, and only freaked out a little when I accidentally made a huge faux paux by saying that meeting her was so amazing because her videos were "my childhood!" lol! :-D Just the nicest, funniest woman ever- such an honor, and still such a huge fan. She will be mentioned more during these posts as well.

I also got a picture with he-who-shall-not-be-named, but it's not to be shared (he doesn't do blogs). Someone I didn't get a photo with but am now totally pissed I didn't (next party!) was the amazing Lance del Toro! He came over to my table at one point during the night, just to like check out what I was selling and started to introduce himself. Now, I got really tired of people forgetting to introduce themselves over the weekend, so I was glad he had the manners to, but I mean really. He's Lance del Toro! I said, "Um, I know who you are," while once again, trying not to sound like too much of a fool. He seemed genuinely shocked by this fact, which I just found beyond endearing. He actually came back over later and we talked for like a good 20 minutes. He wanted to know how it was that I knew who he was (I explained that I was a Shadow Lane groupie, and that actually one of his videos was the first hard copy porn I ever received- it was a gift from Edward- and that I'd seen his Firm Hand videos as well, and that, well, he's Samantha Woodley's ex... and while I know that she is crazy in real life, she was still my role model growing up, so I definitely knew who he was). We talked about life and spanking, and I just really enjoyed his company- a truly genuine and kind person, who I was supposed to play with but didn't get a chance to!!! He thwarted me of my SL trifecta lol. :) (Lance, we will play at next party! It's happening!Count on it! :))

Also on the list of celebrities that I gushed over meeting was Jersey John's aforementioned roommate, Ralph Marvel. (I promise I am not trying to collect Samantha's ex's btw, lol, we just seem to have similar tastes, lol). Now you will hear lots more about Ralph as these posts continue, and to be honest in the future if our friendship/relationship continues to head in the really wonderful direction that it's heading. And for those of you who know me well also know that my "type" consists of one thing: tall. His handle on Fet is tallandstrict. And the photo kinda speaks for itself on that front. :)

Towards the end of the fair, I also had the pleasure of meeting Eve Howard for the first time. She's a bit odd, but most of the best people are, and she seemed also genuinely surprised when I told her of how much the party meant to me, and how much her videos had shaped who I am today... it was great to get to say thank you in person.

But the craziest part of the entire weekend happened about half way through the vendor's fair when out of the corner of my eye, who do I spy walking towards me but my Edward. No joke. Seriously. Edward. As in first spanker/boyfriend/Daddy ever Edward. As in the man responsible for the famous photo, Edward. The man who would never be caught dead at a party, Edward!

I might have dive tackled him in the middle of the ballroom to run and give him a hug. :)

And he is just the same as always- it's like nothing had changed. At least nothing about him had changed. The girl he was with was just the nicest thing ever (not sure if I can post your name- let me know, I know you read this!) and had convinced him that he had to go to Shadow Lane since I was going to be there. Of course he couldn't bother to give me a head's up, lol. But at first I thought, this is perfect. My Daddy can't be here, but I have Edward to protect me.

And it was so nice to talk to him, and show off my table to him. I was like "look look look! Your hands are in some of these photos! And you took these! This photo made me famous!" He had no idea I was doing videos, but he knew I had graduated and things like that. It was nice to catch up. But it also made it really hard for me because Paul really really wanted to meet Edward. He has wanted to meet him for over a year now, and had wanted to get him to come to Texas actually. And it was this constant reminder that my Daddy wasn't there. I kept wanting to share Paul with Edward and vice versa... and being with him kept pulling me back into the reality of the situation. That the man that I love now wasn't there...

I am still so glad Edward was there, and we hung out more over the weekend (though parties still are not his thing- he watched golf and played slots most of the time, lol), I was actually glad that it didn't feel right to lean on him anymore. I am a bit ashamed that my first instinct was to just fall apart and let him put me back together. Friends lend support and strength and help hold you up, but you still have to be standing. I didn't want to have to be standing. I wanted to collapse and fall apart and be told it would all be ok. But when I was with him, I realized, I'm not 19 anymore. I know I always say that, but with him I really was 18/19, and when we were together he was what I needed. We were wonderful together, and I am convinced that there is no better man to have be your first top. He is so consistent and moderate and steady- things I never was.  As I grew up, we grew apart, but he will always be my first....

But yeah, that moment I realized that he wasn't who I wanted right then (I wanted Paul of course), and that I wasn't the girl I was when I was with him... that I couldn't fall apart in his arms anymore... it made the vendor's fair hard as fuck. But I think it made the weekend better, and it made me stronger. I realized that growing up and not being 19 anymore isn't entirely a bad thing. That with age I have gained knowledge and strength- something I forgot I had. I started finding it about 6 months ago, but it came crashing back in the last two weeks. A long time ago I forgot how to stand on my own. I forgot I could stand on my own. Even when I was single I had my nana and papa... I haven't had to be alone in 4 years...And yeah, I wouldn't have been able to without the support of friends and strangers... the community around me... my sisters...but I did it.

I have stunned myself with my strength, and there is nothing in the world that I would rather surprise myself with. This is the part of me that I lost and wanted back. To remember how to stand in someone's arms without falling to their feet....

Ok... there are technically 5 more parts to this day (did I mention it was long?) but it's an hour past bedtime already, and this is long enough. So Part 2.2 will come tomorrow and hopefully at least part of part 3.

xoxo
Princess Kelley

Shadow Lane Part 1: Pre-Party

Hey Team,

Sooo..... this series of posts is going to be incredibly meaningful to anyone who knows me well or has been a reader of this blog for a long time (at least I think it will be), as this was the culmination of a lot of my longest held spanking fantasies. For those of you who are here looking for more information regarding the situation with my Daddy, you will be sorely disappointed. This is not the platform for that, and I plan on simply discussing the party without talking too much about what happened other than to acknowledge the heightened context of everything that happened. Lastly, the consequences of this past weekend should be extremely meaningful to anyone who likes me being in the scene or still enjoys my blog. Let me explain:

A week and a half ago, I was about to shut down my blog, stop video production, and leave the scene entirely. I had been wrestling with my feelings for a long time, and was talking with my therapist about it. I felt like when I came back from Europe I stopped, looked at my life, and thought, "how the hell did I get here?" I spent two years trying to figure out how to merge my lives and had failed, and I felt that my vanilla life was getting the shaft most of the time, and I missed that part of me. I thought, "this has been a fun experiment, but I am ready to go back to reality now." The blog was the last thing I was ready to give up, and was the hardest decision to come to terms with, but it was really going to happen. I thought, "hey, the blog hasn't been the same in two years, and it's felt like a struggle for a long time. No one even reads it anymore." The tagline of the blog has always been "a young college students search for firm loving discipline and the musings and stories of her experiences." It was one of the first things I came up with after the title of the blog.

But that's not who I am anymore. Right now I feel more like "a confused twenty-something year old searching for meaning and belonging in the kinky world and beyond." So I went through lots of possibilities of how to move on, and one of them I still might do- a reload. Leave this blog the way it is, but start fresh with a 2.0 as well. So I can stop feeling like I'm killing this blog and stop feeling like I have to fit in it, but also allow myself the opportunity to still continue blogging if I want to.... this still might happen. (My favorite suggestion btw came from my nutritionist who thought I should do like in the Princess Bride and find another girl to take over being "Princess Kelley" so that would live on forever, but I could go back to just being me). I even started writing my goodbye post.

But I said to myself, "Shadow Lane is this weekend. Just give it one more shot, and see how you feel afterwards." And *spoiler alert* I am sure as hell not about to leave the scene now. I am not sure what the future holds yet for me or for this blog or my life in the scene, but I know that running away (which I now admit was what I was wanting to do) isn't going to solve anything.

Shadow Lane, as I am sure all of you know, was basically the first spanking video production company. It is also the bread and butter of the spanking porn that I grew up with. I have been dreaming of going to a Shadow Lane party since I was 13, and would have gone sooner if the whole "back to school" theme didn't mean that the timing always conflicted with school! lol. I firmly believe that Eve Howard's stories in the videos had an instrumental part in shaping who I am as a spanko today. This would also be just my second big party. And while I loved Texas, I was running it, so I didn't actually get to enjoy being at the party.

So about two weeks ago, I made the decision and talked to Daddy about the fact that I didn't want to go to this party as Princess Kelley. I just wanted to be Kelley- just wanted to be me. I have been feeling burnt out and not even loving spanking at all anymore for a while, and I just wanted to stop feeling jaded. To feel like I was 18 again- fresh faced and eager, open and curious, nervous and excited for the new experience. I decided that other than vending the first night I wasn't going to do anything else business related. I didn't even finish my dvd's to sell. I was just there to promote Omega Tau Kappa which is something I am still interested in and proud of but doesn't feel so.... the only way I can think to explain it is that the other day Daddy and I had one of our most intense "sessions" ever. We normally don't play like that but we did the night before he left and he caned me really hard and left gorgeous lines. He took pictures... and I didn't want to share them. I thought, "I don't know if I want to be naked on the internet anymore," and that was the first time I'd ever thought that. I usually love sharing my personal moments...

Anywho, that was last week. This is now, lol. :) So basically, going to Shadow Lane, going to vend but after that just be Kelley. Be giddy and nervous to meet all of the people I've been fans of for so long and try to renew my love of spanking. I was going to be there for me. No hosting obligations. I decided I was going to be selfish and only play with the people I really wanted to play with, and not feel bad about saying no so I didn't burn out.
Obviously, given what happened with Daddy, the weekend was worse than I could have dreamed. But in every other way, the weekend was better than I had literally ever dreamed it would be, and my mission was accomplished. And with this renewed energy and love for spanking, I can't wait to tell you about the party...

TBC asap (I am supposed to be in bed, and am going to be in biggg trouble, so I have to cut it short for now- will continue tomorrow with tales of Friday)

xoxo
Princess Kelley

Cowgirl Photo Shoot

Hey Team,
Life is crazy, and I'm frantically trying to get my DVD site up and running before Shadow Lane. I've been thinking a lot about my blog lately, and I have some announcements to make I think pretty soon. But for now, I was going through photos trying to get things for the site, and I stumbled upon these gems.

They are over a year old at least (as noticed by the lack of bangs)- from around my last birthday I believe. And I hated all of them at the time they were taken. With a bit of good cropping and a better acceptance of my body (and not even looking at the majority of the 200 photos from this day) I have come to like these enough to want to share them.

I had this concept I wanted to shoot, that was based on this jean jacket I have had since I was 10 years old. I've grown into it :). When I was in middle school and high school, and I wanted to feel sexy, I would pretend to do a photo shoot in my bathroom, and I would often wear nothing but my panties (I only had white cotton back then) and this jean jacket. My boobs were all anyone (including me) ever noticed about me at that point in time, and this emphasized them, and made me feel like the models in the magazines.

Well my body has changed (no longer a size 6) and my boobs have grown even more, but I still love that jacket, and our friends have a house out in the country that we film at sometimes, and I knew they had a wagon. And Johnny Ravage had just gotten a new camera. Thus, this shoot.

The light was perfect, and it was one of the last bearable days in Texas (late May around sunset). Should have done my hair, should have put on make-up, but whatever, we just went with it.

So yeah, no reason to post these, except that I don't feel like putting them on fetlife, but I want to share :)

xoxo
Princess Kelley

This is the closest to the shot I really wanted, but my face is blurry and contorted so I cropped it. But great shot of the girls! :)

The artist in me dies for the light in this shot! Again, credits to Johnny Ravage for the great photography