I'm sorry that I've been so awol lately. I really don't know what's up. I was sick, but am feeling better physically. And I am working, but I basically just have been watching Criminal Minds 24/7 for the rest of the time (its my new obsession), so its not like I don't have time.
I think I've just been struggling a lot lately. Emotionally. Mentally. I'm not really sure.
Obviously there have been a lot of changes in my life in the last month, and I think that's taking its toll-- if I couldn't see that just by how I feel, I can tell based on the fact that I've been having a really tough time with my eating disorder- something that I'd basically put to bed a while ago I thought.
My nutritionist thinks I might be lonely. Which is probable. I am living with a guy (he's in the other bedroom) but we don't see each other much, and I don't really know him. All my friends are back at their homes or at their new jobs, or back home. Paul is gone to Europe, and so he's basically been mia for a month- and he totally sucks about keeping in touch- almost worse than me! lol, as if that's possible.
Todd and Suzy- I miss ya'll, and I got your email. We should talk soon- I think we need to meet up again soon. I'm so sorry I've been such a bad friend.
Jonathan (the original *wink*)- why have you disappeared on me? I haven't heard from you in months, and I can normally always count on you for a hug.
Everyone that has emailed- I'm so sorry. I really should reply more. Its like I'm lonely and there are people wanting to contact me! Why am I not doing a better job making an effort?
Honestly I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't really feel actively lonely... does that make sense? I'm not aware of it other than in an academic sense.., I don't really know.
That and I'm just struggling with the whole, what am I doing with my life thing. I have in the last two weeks come to the conclusion that basically the entire field of work that is applicable to art history other than teaching is exceptionally UNappealing to me. I want nothing to do with museums, galleries, artists or auctions anymore. And I thought I was "above" the whole i-banking/consulting thing. That those are the only acceptable fields for the best and the brightest from the top schools to go into (other than law and med of course). I thought I didn't need the prestige, didn't need to chase the buck. But the truth is, I was born and bred in that culture, and I'm not above that. I want to be around the best of the best again. I want excitement and intrigue and dynamism. There was a reason I was voted second most pretentious in my high school class- I am an educational and intellectual elitist. Despite that my main desire in life is to change the world for the better.
All I really know though are some things that I don't want, and vague principles I do.
Oh and I want my life to have meaning.
So basically I'm back where I started! good job Kelley.
Ugh, sorry for dumping. The writing is helping- I actually bought a journal last week, lol. This is better. :)
So who knows where any of this is going to take me. Consulting perhaps? That would involve hardcore interview prep and schmoozing. Some sort of business degree? Masters in art history still- that's always been the plan. Going back to Europe? Is that still in the cards? GRRR!!! WHY IS LIFE SO HARD!!!!
And it has no point it seems. I get up, and go to work, and its fine. Not horrid, not great. Somedays are good, some are mind numblingly futile. And then I come home. And I make dinner (or binge on ice cream) and watch TV on my computer, and then I go to bed, and then I get up and the whole thing starts over. My therapists are my break from the routine. How pathetic is that? And I only work with one other person really. Like tonight, I was really tired. I am really tired right now. And I wanted to go to bed over an hour ago, so that I could get a full night's sleep and be more functional tomorrow. But then I thought, well Kelley then you'll just have to go back to your internship sooner. Getting a good night's sleep will be nice, but in the morning I still have to wake up and do it all over again.
Is this what life is like? For the whole rest of it? B/c this seems pretty worthless...
I knew I was never cut out for a 9-5 type life. At least I was right about something.
Any words of advice, no matter how prosaic, are appreciated.
Love you all so much. I'm sorry I've been such a bad hostess lately. I promise it'll get better soon- just in a funk I guess.