Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sorry for the Absense

Hey Team,
I'm sorry that I've been so awol lately. I really don't know what's up. I was sick, but am feeling better physically. And I am working, but I basically just have been watching Criminal Minds 24/7 for the rest of the time (its my new obsession), so its not like I don't have time.

I think I've just been struggling a lot lately. Emotionally. Mentally. I'm not really sure.

Obviously there have been a lot of changes in my life in the last month, and I think that's taking its toll-- if I couldn't see that just by how I feel, I can tell based on the fact that I've been having a really tough time with my eating disorder- something that I'd basically put to bed a while ago I thought.

My nutritionist thinks I might be lonely. Which is probable. I am living with a guy (he's in the other bedroom) but we don't see each other much, and I don't really know him. All my friends are back at their homes or at their new jobs, or back home. Paul is gone to Europe, and so he's basically been mia for a month- and he totally sucks about keeping in touch- almost worse than me! lol, as if that's possible.

Todd and Suzy- I miss ya'll, and I got your email. We should talk soon- I think we need to meet up again soon. I'm so sorry I've been such a bad friend.

Jonathan (the original *wink*)- why have you disappeared on me? I haven't heard from you in months, and I can normally always count on you for a hug.

Everyone that has emailed- I'm so sorry. I really should reply more. Its like I'm lonely and there are people wanting to contact me! Why am I not doing a better job making an effort?

Honestly I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't really feel actively lonely... does that make sense? I'm not aware of it other than in an academic sense.., I don't really know.

That and I'm just struggling with the whole, what am I doing with my life thing. I have in the last two weeks come to the conclusion that basically the entire field of work that is applicable to art history other than teaching is exceptionally UNappealing to me. I want nothing to do with museums, galleries, artists or auctions anymore. And I thought I was "above" the whole i-banking/consulting thing. That those are the only acceptable fields for the best and the brightest from the top schools to go into (other than law and med of course). I thought I didn't need the prestige, didn't need to chase the buck. But the truth is, I was born and bred in that culture, and I'm not above that. I want to be around the best of the best again. I want excitement and intrigue and dynamism. There was a reason I was voted second most pretentious in my high school class- I am an educational and intellectual elitist. Despite that my main desire in life is to change the world for the better.

All I really know though are some things that I don't want, and vague principles I do.

Oh and I want my life to have meaning.


So basically I'm back where I started! good job Kelley.

Ugh, sorry for dumping. The writing is helping- I actually bought a journal last week, lol. This is better. :)

So who knows where any of this is going to take me. Consulting perhaps? That would involve hardcore interview prep and schmoozing. Some sort of business degree? Masters in art history still- that's always been the plan. Going back to Europe? Is that still in the cards? GRRR!!! WHY IS LIFE SO HARD!!!!

And it has no point it seems. I get up, and go to work, and its fine. Not horrid, not great. Somedays are good, some are mind numblingly futile. And then I come home. And I make dinner (or binge on ice cream) and watch TV on my computer, and then I go to bed, and then I get up and the whole thing starts over. My therapists are my break from the routine. How pathetic is that? And I only work with one other person really. Like tonight, I was really tired. I am really tired right now. And I wanted to go to bed over an hour ago, so that I could get a full night's sleep and be more functional tomorrow. But then I thought, well Kelley then you'll just have to go back to your internship sooner. Getting a good night's sleep will be nice, but in the morning I still have to wake up and do it all over again.

Is this what life is like? For the whole rest of it? B/c this seems pretty worthless...

I knew I was never cut out for a 9-5 type life. At least I was right about something.

Any words of advice, no matter how prosaic, are appreciated.

Love you all so much. I'm sorry I've been such a bad hostess lately. I promise it'll get better soon- just in a funk I guess.

Princess Kelley


  1. Sorry to hear that you are under the weather. FWIW, it's sweet of you to share your life and feelings with us, even when it's not about spanking. You are generous in choosing to share a part of you with all of us, and I wanted to thank you for that. -- edwardK

  2. The thing is, we've all been there... Or most of us have anyway. I remember my first job, most nights I'd come home, watch about 4 or 5 episodes or Scrubs and drink beer until I couldn't keep my eyes open any more. It was my way of coping...

    And that's what you have to understand, right now you're coping with a loss; the loss of the old way of life. When you're doing that, you try to grab on to whatever pieces of comfort or familiarity you can. Soon though, you start to find your feet, start to relax and then you can begin living rather than just existing.

    I'm 26, I work 9-5 and I'm happier than I've ever been. Happier than I was when I was at Uni. My life's not perfect, like you I'm in therapy and on meds (have been for a long time now), but I like it! I have a freedom that I've never had before. I hope you can find that too.

  3. "Is this what life is like? For the whole rest of it? B/c this seems pretty worthless..."

    For the 90% of people not born into "that culture", yes, that's what life is like. And of those people, only 5% are high-energy people with a lot of self-control, ones who can lift themselves out of what most view as "life" by being self-employed or freelancers in some field. You have just figured out why most standard people create art.

    They are feeling "pretty worthless" as they live out the routine/ritual of their daily life, and how they "have to wake up and do it all over again" haunts them in quiet moments. They are separated from the psychological comfort and security of their idealized childhood, yet they seek meaning and purpose. Thus, using some artistic medium, they fashion a facsimile of their opinions and feelings out of the tattered remains of their own hopes and dreams.

    You have more "life" advantages than nearly all of your readers. That doesn't obligate you to make the best use of your station in life, but it does allow you more options than the rest of us. Many of those options will lead to long-term happiness, amid short-term stress. It just sucks that Life will never be as simple as it was when you were in college, where you (or somebody) paid cash so you could just sit around and learn.

    And please don't get into teaching. US schools will not tolerate any whiff of kinkiness at all: you will instantly be "removed" from the field when your reputation as a professional gets "poisoned" by even the tiniest scandal. Plus, you risk being jailed if your private life overlaps your professional life in any way.

    The meaning that you think you'll find in teaching only exists in 30% of the college teaching positions available, and nowhere else, certainly not in the public school system. You'll probably still try to teach, but if you do, you'll read this comment in a few years and wish you'd have believed me.

  4. rar745-
    Wow. I can't tell if this comment was meant to be kind but tough, or just massively harsh and meanspirited.
    You seem to be very hateful towards people of a different socioeconomic background. You're clearly not American (or you lived out of the country for a time), or you wouldn't have made a point to reference "US" schools, and you are clearly quite miserable in your existence from your introduction. I wouldn't say that 90% of the world suffers through each day. I think that people who have just finished school struggle, and that 40% of peoples' lives suck on the whole due to circumstances far beyond any of our control. I hope, however, that the people who are here are happy, including yourself. I hope that everyone is happy and feels that their life has meaning.

    For the record, how I paid for my school is not anyone's business, and it pisses me off beyond belief that people seem to keep thinking that it is their business to comment on. Life in college is only simple for those who didn't live it. There is nothing simple about taking yourself from your family and friends and transplanting yourself into an environment that is completely foreign with all the expectations in the world, and none of the support or resources to which you are used to having (read: a family). Plus the expectation to be happy- that is the hardest part of college.

    I know from first hand experience about schools being anti-kink. One of my lovers was outed and fired from his teaching position of 30+ years. However, I loved teaching, and when I'm older I will do it again. In a private school setting- somewhere that offers art history as a subject matter. But yes, the business world would be more well suited to my alternative lifestyle.

    I don't think that I'll read this comment and its dripping bitterness again in a few years. And if I do, my continued thought will be to send you good vibes in the hope that your life will improve. I hope that you would wish the same for me.

    Thank you sweetie, that means a lot to me that you would say that. I worry sometimes that people don't care about this part of me, yet this is often the most person to share. Hugs

    That's so how I'm feeling right now, and your comment felt very on point, but also hopeful. You said it perfectly. To begin to live rather than simply exist.
    Biggest Hugs

    Princess Kelley

  5. Whoops. "Kind but tough", I guess. I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers. I apologize. And you could have just responded with, "You're an ass." However, I must commend you on your tact. That was very polite of you to just label the comment as unworthy of affection instead of its author. That is just one example of the generosity which your fans love about you. :D

  6. Hello Kelley, have a look at this post. It's a bit embarassing to be truly humbled by a fifteen year old, but it happened to me so why should you escape? :-)
    It might shift your perspective a bit. All her posts are amazing.