Monday, March 25, 2013

Not dead but...

Some days I kinda wanna be.

I am sorry for being gone for so long team. Life got crazy and then life got bad. There are like 5 titled but otherwise blank blog posts waiting for me to sit and write...

But the pressing thing to say is that I'm single.

He and I were fighting all the time, and I was really struggling with it, and knowing I needed out. He didn't ever treat me well, but I wasn't strong enough to leave.
Then after Vegas, the day before I was supposed to leave for LA, we fought, and the next day he declared via text that he wanted to take a break. And I agreed. (which is the news in that story). Sobbed for two days. Then went to LA and had an amazing time.

Didn't cry once (ok, maybe once, but I did well) while I was there. Had an amazing time. Was super busy and focused on me. Then I came home.

And everything was the same. The apartment, his pictures, his clothes. My life. Most importantly my life (career, friends, sense of self, choices, existence in scene...). And I massively party crashed (aka endorphin fuck-up).

I suddenly realized that I have spent the last 3 years (5 in all honesty) focused on the men I am with and on my relationships with them, I think possibly in part to ignore having to pay attention to me. And suddenly I had to. And I don't know this girl I see. And I don't particularly like her. I don't understand how I got to where I am, and I have no idea how to get out.

So this sent me into a really bad depression spiral last week that kinda resulted in me being vaguely suicidal, but it had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BOY. He and I were until an hour ago still together technically.

His wife is in a long term relationship, and she thinks he doesn't want to be single when she isn't. And I like to think that part of him stayed because he loved me.
And I... well we all know I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to have to change my fetlife statuses and write this blog post. I didn't want to lose my friend, and I didn't want him to hate me. He is a very angry person, and not someone who stays friends with his exes (I do). But he was my Daddy, and I loved him dearly. And the idea of him hating me breaks my heart worse than anything.

So neither one of us really missed spending time together. We were miserable together. We fought all the time. He never wanted to play or have sex (literally haven't played since before Christmas and sex- it's been more recent than that but I honestly can't remember the last time), and I really did, and we just... we didn't get along. So not seeing him hasn't been hard. And we texted, and I was still his.

But then today.

Sigh. So he owes me money. Quite a bit of money. I won't go into the details. And originally the plan was that he would just work it off by doing videos with me. No problem. But now... problem. So today I got up the courage to just ask him about it, say that I never doubted for a minute that he was good for it, but ask if there was a plan. And he flipped out. Said he would send it to me.

Then tonight, I texted, said I wasn't feeling well and asked him to hold me. He said "No. I will send you a payment tomorrow and when it's paid off I never want to speak to you again."

So that's it. That's the end. 7 months together. 8 if you count the first time. Over a year of... it's just over. He needed to find a reason to hate me. He couldn't let go without doing so I think. It needed to be my fault. Not just that we both gave up after I fought for MONTHS to keep us together. No, it needed to be because I am horrible. This is actually the second "relationship" to end this year because of money. Killed a good friendship as well. But in reality it had nothing to do with this relationship.

And the worst part? I sobbed. I was driving when I got the text and I just sobbed. And I screamed. Bc it's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong. And I don't want my Daddy to hate me. I still want to be Daddy's good girl and that's so fucked up. Because I need to stop apologizing for him. And apologizing to him when he is at fault just to end the fight. Stop kneeling at his feet begging him to forgive me for making him mad. To stop making excuses for his abusive behavior. To stop trying to make him love me when he is incapable of loving anyone but himself.

I gave that man my heart, my body, and my soul. And he gave me nothing back. I was fun when it was the chess match. When I was pure and white. Innocent, un-corrupt. Virginal. "Vanilla with sprinkles." I was a challenge. A beautiful challenge. That he won. I submitted. I gave in to him. I knelt at his feet and gave him EVERYTHING. Things I have never given any other man. Body and soul.

And he got bored.

So he took it away. Took away the sex and the play. And yelled at me when I asked for it. I was the bad guy. He wanted our relationship to be more. And so did I. But he took the foundation away. And it was all I could do to keep together the pieces crumbling around me. He wanted out and I fought him. Because I was scared and I wouldn't let him.

I should have let him leave. I should never have begged. That is on me. I should have let him leave when he still cared about me.

But I was scared, and I didn't.

So here I am now. And I'm fine. I don't want to be with a man that treats me so poorly. That never satisfies me anymore. But I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss that chemistry that drew me in over a year ago and drew me back last fall. The chemistry that made me kneel for the first time. The man that took me to places I never even knew existed and showed me a world that I couldn't imagine. I miss the man that was my Daddy.

But I'm not sure that man ever existed. I'm pretty sure it that to him, it was all just a game.

So now I am crying writing this, trying really hard to not cry. Because I am tired of crying over him. Tired of crying over men. I am ready to be single, and to love me again. To learn who I am. But I cry because it hurts, and it hurts because it mattered. Because regardless of if he really did love me or if I was a game and then a chore, our relationship was powerful and important. He will forever be etched into my heart, and I will not regret the men I have loved. I will not regret the choices I have made. Because they made me who I am.

And semi-suicidal last week or not, I am determined to love who I am.


(You have to know the "nobody's princess" drill after breakups by now)