So wow.
If you're on FetLife and were on today, you might have noticed that a new picture I posted went "Kinky and Popular." If you're not on Fet, well that's the gist of what happened. :) And so it's been a very interesting day, filled with lots of messages and comments, likes and loves, and thus lots of thoughts for me to have and share with y'all. None of this is intended to be "offensive" but I bet at least some would be better left unsaid. But when have I ever done that??? :)
1. First thought, after "What? Really? Wow." and lots and lots of blushing and feeling humbled and proud at the same time, and flattered and happy is this amazing song:
"To all the ass hat jocks who beat me up in school/now I'm the one that's cool/I'm the one that's cool!"Ok. I'm done now. :)
2. The title of this post comes from the short story A&P by John Updike (which you should read if you never have only because it's one of those stories that you really should have read in high school). Random you think? It is. But it just made me happy that my talk to text on my phone thought A&P when I said K&P so I only had to fix one letter. :) Also, just given the story, kinda awesome.
My talk to text often makes me happy. It knows FetLife (without me telling it), and given proper context, wrote "wow" as in World of Warcraft as "WoW" which is the correct capitalization to distinguish. :)
3. I am having mixed emotions about being the "curvy" and/or "real" girl. It makes me beyond happy to be considered a role model. That's a big part of why I started doing traditional nude modeling, and what I hope to achieve in my work. I want to inspire, to affect change in a tangible way. I want people to look at me and think beauty, and for that to translate to them seeing curvier women in general as more beautiful. But more importantly, I want women to look at me and see someone that maybe looks more like them, or what they could be, and see it at the top of K&P.
But also don't just want to be that girl that attracts "chubby chasers" or whatever that horrible term is. It's a fine line to walk, and my feelings are... it's complicated to explain...
The mixed emotions I feel with all of this stem of course from my history with an eating disorder and body image issues. My nutritionist and I go at this exact debate all the time actually. I want to to be proud of my body and for people to see that curves can be beautiful (bc I'm not going to lie or be fake modest- I think those images are amazing together. And I look really good in them). I want to be the role model, and the inspiration. I want to affect change!
But I also want to be thinner most days. If for no other reason than it would be easier. And honestly, because I've been the thinner version of me (had to get to here somehow) and I liked it better. Don't want to be "thin," just thinner than I am now. Most people probably wouldn't even notice. Simple as that.
Please don't think that I'm saying that looking for compliments- I got way more than my share of compliments today. This...it's an honest thing I struggle with. As an issue of integrity, and an issue of desire and guilt. How am I going to be able to be happy with my body as it is now, be a role model, and not feel guilty if I want to be thinner for whatever reason, all at the same time?
I don't have the answer, but I'm working on it.
But also don't just want to be that girl that attracts "chubby chasers" or whatever that horrible term is. It's a fine line to walk, and my feelings are... it's complicated to explain...
The mixed emotions I feel with all of this stem of course from my history with an eating disorder and body image issues. My nutritionist and I go at this exact debate all the time actually. I want to to be proud of my body and for people to see that curves can be beautiful (bc I'm not going to lie or be fake modest- I think those images are amazing together. And I look really good in them). I want to be the role model, and the inspiration. I want to affect change!
But I also want to be thinner most days. If for no other reason than it would be easier. And honestly, because I've been the thinner version of me (had to get to here somehow) and I liked it better. Don't want to be "thin," just thinner than I am now. Most people probably wouldn't even notice. Simple as that.
Please don't think that I'm saying that looking for compliments- I got way more than my share of compliments today. This...it's an honest thing I struggle with. As an issue of integrity, and an issue of desire and guilt. How am I going to be able to be happy with my body as it is now, be a role model, and not feel guilty if I want to be thinner for whatever reason, all at the same time?
I don't have the answer, but I'm working on it.
4. Can we talk about the word "real" for a minute, please? Yes I am "real" in that I haven't had any plastic surgery or physical augmentation. My pictures are not Photoshopped (which would be the best- and really only- argument that other pictures aren't real btw), and they are simple images. But all women are real. Regardless of what they look like. Perhaps I am more typical than thin models. But no more real. More authentic than Photoshopped. But unless a girl is actually not a girl, she is real.
I don't want to nit pick that one though because I understand what people mean by it, and I appreciate it, and agree with the sentiment. It's nice to see fuller figured women as representations of beauty in a way that isn't also exploiting their "not perfect-ness." That really bother me. When models are portrayed as "real women" that are also beautiful. Like it's a surprise, and an exception.
No! She is beautiful, and she is a model. And she has freckles or small breasts or cellulite- things you would otherwise just Photoshop over and never mention if you weren't trying to exploit her perceived "flaws" as part of your marketing campaign.
No! She is beautiful, and she is a model. And she has freckles or small breasts or cellulite- things you would otherwise just Photoshop over and never mention if you weren't trying to exploit her perceived "flaws" as part of your marketing campaign.
So I like this image that I made, because sure, I am not airbrushed and perfect. But you don't see that. It isn't overt. It's well lit, and the photo is great. Compositionally excellent. It's not great despite it's flaws. It's just great. And I feel just beautiful in it. And I am so glad that I didn't get a single "pretty for a big/curvy girl" in all of the almost 250 comments. Though at least half did focus on my curves as being the high point. Hopefully, one day, it won't be so weird that bigger girls can be seen as beautiful that the image can just go by as "beautiful" without needing to remark on her curves.
Or, as said so much more eloquently in this amazing article from a woman who had weigh loss surgery and then realized she still wasn't happy:
Magazine articles about body image talk about loving yourself despite your flaws. Sometimes they get really radical and they talk about loving yourself because of your flaws, and that is supposed to be empowering. And it makes me mad, because we're talking about flaws here. A body that doesn't look like the body of a Victoria's Secret model is a flawed factory reject. My thighs aren't the thighs of a figure skater, so they're not good enough, but I should love the flubby little things anyway because I am so incredibly self-compassionate
I want this: I want to say, don't love yourself even though you're not perfect - love yourself because you have a body and it's worth loving and it is perfect. Be healthy, which is perfect at whatever size healthy is and at whatever size happy is. And of course that's totally easy and I have just caused a revolution in body image. Let's all go home now.
4. And now for some comment/message highs and lows:
Actually. I was just going through to find some, and there honestly weren't any bad/crude/obnoxious comments on that picture. There were a couple on a few other ones (the more sexual pics), and the ubiquitous horrific messages, but just in re-reading all the other, amazing, kind, heartfelt ones, I started to cry I little, so I'm not going to try to make a bit joke out of it. I was trying to choose my favorite comments, but they are all... I would have like 15 favorites, and that's a little too self reverential for my taste.
Ok, enough sap Kelley. I will end this part of this post (I have a few more things to say- the snarkier bits- but will do so in another post since this is getting long) with this comment. A rare sexual/objectified comment that I like and made me laugh really hard.
"Dear Santa..."xoxo
Princess Kelley
Reubens is propably masturbating in his grave ;) Lovely pictures but then it'd be a challenge to make you look bad in a photo.
ReplyDeleteReader in Iceland
Thin, chubby...honestly, both are sexy in the right context, but part of what makes them sexy IS the personality behind it. I know that can sound cliche and the sort of thing a guy says to make it seem like he's not a lust-driven Neanderthal, but it's true. It's just as much what we associate with the person that makes a picture sexy - do you look sexy? Yes, absolutely. You have what most guys would call a 'killer body' - and, frankly, the fact that you're not a stick on legs adds to that appeal. Curves are beautiful. But what clinches it, certainly from my perspective, is that you've got personality to go with it, and your pictures all do a great job of showing that. Whether it's contemplativeness, cheekiness, sensuality...these things and more are all portrayed when you put yourself on display, clothed or naked.
ReplyDeleteTruth be told, where you make the transition from sexy to BEAUTIFUL is in your confidence, and in the fact that you put yourself out there and show off because you want to be seen that way, and because you're sharing yourself with your audience. Confidence is incredibly sexy, as is the intelligence and passion you display in your posts, your videos and even the occasional comment you make on Fetlife. When we speak of you as 'real' or 'genuine', it's not necessarily because you're curvy (and gorgeous for it!), but because you convey personality that is actually oddly addictive. It's very vibrant, and always insightful because you say what you think and feel, and you don't hold back on that, or don't seem to. I don't entirely think you comprehend just how awesome that is, maybe because it's not something you see when you look in the mirror. Nonetheless, you have a beautiful soul and that shines through. It's very noticeable.
Do you have a fantastic body? Yes. Is that what makes you beautiful? No. I've seen women who look fairly similar to you and have none of that same beauty because they aren't happy with themselves or the world, they don't project themselves with confidence (whether they're feeling it or not!), and their outlook isn't so cheerful, out-going (though, personally, I suspect you're more 70% Introvert to 30% Extrovert myself) and, flatly, it's not entirely honest. People respond to you and see you as a role model not because you take your clothes off, but because of the reasons you do it and because of how you project yourself: as an intelligent, vibrant, insightful, sexually-aware and engaging young woman who wants to share herself with the world because she's worth sharing.
THAT, Kelley, is why you are beautiful. It's not just your looks. Though I do enjoy those, too ;)
First of all, those pictures are beautiful. You are beautiful; no size, age, sexual comments included. I know what you mean about the "real woman" and "sexy for a bigger/curvy woman" comments. I've gotten them myself and certainly see that type of thing around on Fetlife.
ReplyDeleteOn the one hand, you choose how to take the comments. If someone says "wow, you are beautiful curvy lady," I could not read into it and take it as a compliment that they think I'm beautiful. Or I could read it as "hey, you're fat, but still pretty at least." I've taken things both ways at different times.
I agree with you about the perception though and people feeling it's necessary to clarify that point. You don't see comments on a thinner model's pictures stating "You look great for a thin woman." So why add that at all? Can't beautiful just be beautiful? No "for your size" or "for your age."
A friend told me she thinks I'd meet more guys if I joined some of the many BBW groups on Fetlife. I purposely choose not to because I don't want to be pigeon holed into a specific group. I don't want to get a guy's attention strictly because he loves big women and picks them out there.
I want to get someone's attention because they like me, as a whole. I understand physical attraction and know we all like different things and that can factor into who you notice to begin with. But I don't want to categorize myself based on one thing about me.
Am I bigger? Yes. I'm also taller than average. I'm a spanko. I tell corny jokes. I have a good memory for random facts, trivia, and birthdays. I love Peeps. I'm very sarcastic. I'm a loyal friend. Yeah, I don't want to join that many groups on Fetlife.
You're a lovely lady, Princess. I think that's all that needs to be said.
ReplyDeleteI think I see a lot of unhealed wounds here only not in the pictures but rather the words. A goodhearted girl with a dark soul saddens me.
ReplyDelete