Hey Team,
So I posted this on FetLife, but wanted to share it here as well. I am also going to add more personal elements here soon: about sex, and pain, heartbreak, birthdays, and feeling like a fool. But this is what I have for now.
So, the short version of what happened is that my Bf/Daddy Brett and I broke up. Or rather, he left me I should say. We (he) just decided that we are too different, and that we aren't meant to be together in the end. And it didn't make sense for us to stay together even if we are happy if we know it won't end in marriage.
The long of it, is that I am a basket case over this for a variety of reasons.
Yes, we are very different people. He is new to the kink world and a bit judgmental of those who are really in depth in it. He loves his vanilla life, and wants to protect it. He was however, very supportive of my work and what I've done, but also encouraging of my more recent desires to step back from the scene and go back to just being a girl who likes to do kinky things. I am used to living 24/7 lifestyle, but he and I both agreed that wasn't what I needed in my life right now, but I struggled to not want it.
He is a frat boy who likes to drink and party and have a good time. He's ridiculously social and charismatic. He loves the outdoors and adventurous things. He loves to workout and eat healthy. I, on the other hand, love fanfiction and sci fi. I struggle to make friends and often find social settings stressful. I adore museums, castles, cathedrals and pretty vistas (we share that last one). I am a recovering bulimic, and I am not in a position to be working out with someone or sharing diet tips. He's a gun toting, hard core, extremely vocal conservative. I am an out and proud pinko commie liberal who would argue with God. He is stubborn and uncompromising. I am stubborn and damaged.
So I know that in the end, we probably weren't right for each other. But it's incredibly difficult to see that now. Because of all the things I just said, only a few of them were things about him that I disliked. I like that he's outdoorsy and fit, social and friendly. I don't even mind that he's conservative! But the fact that I'm not... I can't change that about me. And I am scared that the men I am attracted too in general are men like that... and I can come along and have a good time, but... I am scared I am never going to be what the man I'm looking for wants.
It's also hard because we have the same goals, values, and ambitions. The important things in life. And we have love. We had happiness....
When all the other relationships have ended, I could justify it in my head as being for the better. I was rid of these toxic people that were weighing me down. So after a few days I almost always felt better just because they were gone. But with him... he's just one of the best men I've ever known. Let alone who has loved me! So giving that up... I just can't understand why someone would give up love even if it isn't right in the end. Love is such a precious thing....
So I'm in a rough place in my life. I am back to picking up broken pieces. I wasn't even finished fixing myself from the last one. But he was helping, and I thought it would better. He's the only man I've ever been with where I allowed myself to look into the future. We made plans... talked about our possible life together....I allowed myself to believe that I might actually get to have the things I have always dreamed of: a happy, stable vanilla life with children and a successful, wonderful man who spanks me every day! Something I'd given up on believing was possible... but now I had that, and it didn't work (and I know in part it didn't work because I broke it- he won't say it, but I don't believe him, lol). So either that man doesn't exist, or I will break it in the end.
It's hard to allow myself to believe that my dream will ever come true. Because I am hurting, and I want to protect myself. And I just don't know if I can go through this kind of pain anymore.
Apologies for all the pain and cryptic messages. It's just been a rather bang up birthday, lol.
I know that it will get better, and I know I am strong and can get through anything. I mean, God! Just look at what I've been through before! The sun will come up again. I'm just really getting tired of the dark.
So sorry about your trauma. Breaking up sucks. Especially when it is one-sided. :-( Hugs for you. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like an experience that you will love and have forever but since he is gone you can find someone that understands and supports you more. You are a wonderful lady so there is someone out there that is amazing and just waiting for you even if neither of you know it yet. But for now you can feel your pain and be a bit sad because it is sad but it will pass. Remember there is a tomorrow waiting for you. Until then you have all our support.
ReplyDeletewritten with an extremely heart felt sensitivity
ReplyDeleteseen from the perspective of a 54 years old, I can tell you only this :
in life, we live, we love, we leave and we change...and not necessary in that order...
life is a wonderful changing magic thing that we donnot always have control on...and sometimes, you might even get a few good surprises out of it.
just cultivate your inner and outward beauty which is obvious to everyone and your capacity to clear minded optimism, it being like a field to labor one every spring there is in life, every automn too...
there is no love labour's lost in life.
it always grows you if you allow it to make it so. you touched love with your finger. it just deos make you a deeper, more beautiful and more sensitive individual than the ones who never allow themselves to love...thus to live.
be well
sheers from france
I really like your blog and you as a person but this seems naive. If you dive into a relationship so quickly without knowing someone really well these things always happen D:
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're willing to share your life with us. If you could see yourself through our eyes, you'd never doubt what you see. That will bring good times to you, over and over. But no one can say when those will occur or what else will be mixed in. Just hang in there and absorb a little good feeling from those around you. It's always there.
ReplyDeleteHang in there things will improve with time. Love reading about you life here. Would love to spank that naughty bottom ..LOL.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about this. My wife and I are two totally different people. She likes country, I like rock. She hates sports, I love them. But it works. As you said, we have the same goals. We are pointed in the same direction. I would never want to marry someone who was like me. I'd probably hate them. HAHA! Yes, it would be nice to have more common interests but that's what friends are for. Neither of us are jealous when we go out with friends. As a matter of fact, it's probably better that way. So neither of us has to sit thru something we'd rather not. Don't worry, you'll get there. You are moving in the right direction. In the long run, he will probably see the err in his ways. However, don't wait around for that. Keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteLove and Spanks,
Tonut
My dear kelly:
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to see that you are going though another breakup. This, however, was a far healthier relationship than some you have had. Cling to that and to your innate but flawed goodness as a human being. the
same innate but flawed goodness we all have.
*Avuncular hug and forehead smooch
-Richard
A few observations about relationships.
ReplyDeleteI am a very "partner oriented" person. Even as early as high school I knew I was ultimately looking for a wife. It took 25 years to find the person who I would marry. An important part of that process was to stop looking for a wife and spend time with people and see how things fit together on their own. The differences are more important then the similarities. (I already have one of me. I don't need another!)
An important lesson was to get beyond the very powerful feelings of attraction and really see how being with them made me feel about myself.
Another important lesson came from the field of mental health: "You have to be around a person for 6 to 8 weeks before their true behaviors come out." (from a friend working in a psych ward) Turns out sane people do the same thing. We put up fronts and will stay on our best behavior but with time we relax and the real behavior comes out. If a person is called on their behavior or is separated from us for a while it will take time to see the real behavior again.
Related to this is an observation I think should be cast in stone: "You are your actions."
People will often say "I am this way" or make excuses like "That isn't the real me" and those are just noises. A person's actions are what they really did and either good or bad it is who they really are.
I think I have been pretty lucky with the relationships in my life. I am still friends with all but one of the people I went out with and I ended up marrying my first girl friend...
... 25 years later