So I've been watching the Millionaire Matchmaker (a show on Bravo) and have been thinking lately about getting back out there, and into the dating scene, looking for a long term relationship. So this audio is about that and the concept of "non-negotiable's"- one of the Millionaire Matchmakers signature tenants. (Things like religion, wanting kids, etc.)
(The list (for Francesca, who already knows what I sound like and wishes I'd just give her the summary ;)). 1. Spanko, 2. Willing to Commit, 3. Gentleman/Good Man, 4. Driven/Has a Zest for Life, 5. Tall-ish (don't judge! Listen to the audio for reasoning))
Listen to the audio for my thoughts on this (starts around minute 7) and for my thoughts on getting back into a relationship. (this is in the correct format since it was recorded on my computer)
What are your 5 non-negotiable's? What do you think of mine? What do you think of the concept in general (please only answer that if you've listened to the audio and actually understand the concept- don't flame me if you don't know what's going on please :))
xoxo
Princess Kelley
For me I think my requirements are pretty much limited to non-smokers and being nice to people. There is a good post on the concept here.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno
I've been a lurker on your wonderful site for awhile, enchanted by your voluptuous curves, your can-do attitude, and now your voice. You seem interested in a commanding, authoritarian figure (mentioning Keith Jones and Sam Fuller), which made me think (for the first time)that we might be a good match. I'm 6' tall, very fit, single. My non-negotiables are that she be a spanko, crave make-up sex following frequent spankings, be intelligent, a life-long learner, articulate. Are you on FetLife or ShadowLane's Club site? We ought to talk further privately.
ReplyDeleteKeiter
Interesting concept. I've never thought about a list of 'non-negotiables' before in potential partners.
ReplyDeleteYours:
1) Spanko.
- Being a 'spanko' seems to me like a label that tries to cut a clear line between those who don't like the idea of spanking or being spanked, and those who see it as a very important part of their life. Is someone who likes spanking and sees it as a form of foreplay, amongst other fetishes or kinks, considered a spanko? I enjoy climbing and do it regularly, yet don't class myself as a climber.
2) Willing to commit.
- At 21 you are still very young. I know when i was that age i didn't want to get married or have kids and neither did my girlfriend. Over the years my opinion has changed and thankfully so has my girlfriend/now wife's. I'd say a majority of my friends are the same, one way or the other. Your opinions on what you want from life really do change a lot throughout your twenties and being with someone you love can certainly change your ideas on commitment. I guess what i'm trying to say is that once you find someone who is mostly right for you, the rest tends to click into place.
3) Gentleman/Good Man.
- That's fair enough.
4) Driven/Has a Zest for Life.
- Again, like i said in point 2, people do change. Having a balance in life beats trying to achieve goals you'll probably never reach. As the Baz Luhrmann song goes "Don't feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still don't." In fact, if you're not familiar with the song - 'Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)' look up the lyrics, they're a pretty good guide to life IMO.
5) Tall-ish.
- Again, fair enough.
Mine:
1) Someone open to the idea of being spanked.
2) Intelligence - I like someone i can have a good conversation and exchange of ideas with.
3) Good sense of humor or someone who has a similar sense of humor to mine. That means no Adam Sandler fans.
4) Nice boobies and an ass that makes your eyes water. In fact, nice boobies is fairly optional.
5) Can't think of a 5th one. What can i say, i'm easy to please!
Anonymous-
ReplyDeleteNon-Smoker is an absolute requirement for me as well. I'm very allergic and also don't think I could be with someone who would do that to their body. I guess I should have put it on the list, but didn't in part bc its such a non go (in that I literally wouldn't be able to spend time with the person as it would give me a headache) that I didn't even think to put it on the list.
Being nice to people, I agree, is a must. :)
Keiter-
Hi there. Thank you for your post :). You should email me at my address listed in my profile, or I do also have a fetlife, but rarely go there. :)
Anonymous-
wow. Thank you for your incredibly detailed comment. Though I have to say, it sounds a bit like you didn't actually listen to the audio, but rather just read the list- which is fine. Just that I think I address many of your points in my audio. But I'll do so again here :)
1. Someone who thinks spanking can be fun in foreplay is in my mind, not a spanko. I would argue that a lot of people can get behind spanking in that regard but aren't people who would want it as part of their lifestyle or have a carnal craving for it. I think it is important to me that I be with someone who can understand the depth of my desire and need. I am with you in the dislike of labels, but in a one word type list, they are helpful.
2. This is the one where I'm sure you didn't listen. As I said, I am not looking to get married now, but I am not willing to be in another relationship where the person refuses to be exclusive. I don't need a ring, but I need to know I'm the only girl in his life. I also need a guy to be open to the concept of marriage and family- although they don't need to be willing to settle down at that moment. I am not wanting to get married, but I'm also not going to deal with relationship sanctioned cheating anymore bc of the loopholes of exclusivity and commitment phobic guys.
3. glad you think so.
4. Again, you didn't listen to the post. I am 21 years old and have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I know that I don't want to be working some job with no ambition and no change for the next 20 years. I don't expect or even necessarily want a guy my age to have his life figured out (or anyone to have their life figured out) but I tend to date older men. And if you are 35 years old, you need to be in the idea of "career" and not "job"- at least as far as I am concerned. I'm just wanting a guy that has some desire to not just be a spectator in life. :)
5. Again, glad you think so.
Yours all seem good to me :) Except 4... but that's your prerogative. :) And I bet you could think of a 5th.
Again, thank you for your detailed comment. And I don't want to discourage you from posting in the future at all. But I do hope that you will come having listened before hand :)
xoxo
Princess Kelley
Hi All, I had the post up top where I said my requirements where being a nice person and a non-smoker. After some thought I have to remove the non-smoker requirement.
ReplyDeleteI did date a smoker for a while and it was great. The girl I dated was really considerate in regards to my non-smoking status. She didn't smoke inside or in the car and was always using mouth wash or chewing gum, so it never felt like I was kissing a smoker. So yeah, I guess my requirements for dating a lady boil down to her being a nice person.
Sorry, i did actually heed the warning in your OP and listen to the audio track, but in the rush to get my thoughts down i've probably contradicted some of your musings.
ReplyDeleteSince you're not into being a 'top' (see, i did listen!) i'll let you slap my wrists instead as punishment ;)
- TheBrit (missed out this 'sig' in my last post)
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteWhat about on your end? You've gone through men like a racecar goes through tires. And what's more, it seems that drama does follow you around a bit. What happened in London with the spanko community there?
I mean just 'cause your parents paid your way to an ivy league school doesn't mean much.
I think you're beautiful, but I think that too often pretty girls from stable homes expect to get everything handed to them.
Without describing your looks, or you being a spanko, how would you say that you are more attractive as a person to a man then any of your thousands of female classmates?
Tank1776-
ReplyDeleteWow. thanks for making me feel like shit, asshole.
"You've gone through men like a racecar goes through tires"
Not really sure how I've done that. I've had 2 long term relationships, both of which were very meaningful, and neither of which I ended. 2 short term relationships, both of which I ended for different reasons, and I've "hooked up" in the play sense with in total of 4 people- none of whom were wanting anything more from me.
If you would care to explain to me how I go through men I would really appreciate it (not). If you want to call me a slut, fine. But for the record, I've had sex with one man ever, and I loved him more than I can say.
"drama does follow you around a bit"
Yes it does. And I've never claimed anything but that.
What happened in London was complicated but basically it was a clash of cultures and of poly vs non-poly people. But mostly it was that my best friend was in a coma and had just had brain surgery in Italy, and I had not processed the implications of that yet, and was not emotionally ready for the stress of being in a large spanko setting for the first time.
"I mean just 'cause your parents paid your way to an ivy league school doesn't mean much"
HEY. Ass wipe. My parents haven't paid my way through anything. So fuck you. And if you can get through four years at my school and graduate cum laude, let me know.
"I think you're beautiful, but I think that too often pretty girls from stable homes expect to get everything handed to them"
Seeing as how I DON'T think I'm beautiful and never had, your hypothesis is simply wrong. I expect nothing handed to me.
Instead of describing all the reasons I am a good person, how about I first give you all of the reasons I'm not.
I'm bulimic
I have an anxiety disorder with panic attacks
I have bouts of severe depression
I'm neurotic
I require a LOT of attention and time
I'm needy
I'm fat
I'm complicated
I'm selfish in bed
And I'm insecure
oh, and I post about my life on a blog for the world to see
Reasons I'm a good girlfriend (even though I HATE to give you anything you want, and its awkward and against my nature to say anything like this about myself)
I like to think that I am:
kind
caring
compassionate to a fault
giving
a really good friend
creative
smart
funny
witty
worldly
I have a zest for life and wanderlust
I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet
passionate
honest
upfront
I will love you more than any person has ever loved you in your life
I give my whole heart
Oh yeah, and I'm fucking awesome.
I realize that the format of my blog, and honestly just the nature of the blog itself, does not lend itself well to people getting to know all of the facets of who I am, but at the same time, you should know me better than that by now. You sound like a bitter man and you have hurt my feelings.
If you honestly think that poorly of me, please get the fuck off of my blog and don't come back until you have learned to be kind. You clearly don't think much of me or like me for that matter, other than you thinking that I'm hot (something I DON'T think). So please, leave.
I don't owe you anything, and I certainly didn't owe you the answer to your question. I give so much of myself, and share my life and my feelings and my body with everyone here, and expect nothing but a little kindness and compassion in return. You have thrown that all back in my face.
I honestly am really hurt, so you can either apologize, or get the fuck out.
xoxo
Princess Kelley
Good for you Kelley! I wouldnt even have wasted that much time on him there. Sounds like he's a bitter man for whatever reason... You're an awesome person and don't let pukes get to you.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
*good girl spank! Attagirl, Kelley.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you aren't fat and you aren't ugly. WHAT am I going to do with you? That is your mother talking, not you. I will have to keep encouraging you I guess!
Second, I listened to your podcast. I had no problems with your 5 non negotiables and your reasoning behind them.
I only meet 3 of them though! I am already spoken for, so I cannot and will not commit to someone else. Besides that, I lack ambition in some ways. I work for a religious charity. Sometimes I do dishes. Other times I work on the website. Or maybe I'm out in the gardens or landscaping. I am willing to do this for the rest of my life, and if thats 50 years from now thats fine. I don't think of you as girlfriend material; rather I think of you as "niece material".
You are awesome and smart and have many great qualities. You also have one of the best smiles I have ever seen. You have many flaws as well, but with time and effort these can be mitigated.
I cannot really say more without getting too personal. But, I'm rooting for you.
Oh, and when you graduate, could you please post a picture of yourself in your grad gown? It can be against a neutral background if you like.
*avuncular hug and forehead smooch
-Richard
You are my hero Kelley! I loved your answer to that stupid comment, even though you need a few spanks for talking badly about yourself like you did. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHi Kelley,
ReplyDeleteFor what's it's worth, I probably would have deleted that comment as a troll. This is your blog. You don't have to listen to any of that foolishness because, as you adeptly point out, none of it is true (other than the part about you being beautiful).
Please don't let trollers hurt you.
Hugs,
Bonnie
Hey Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. My girl and I love your blog. Your remind me of my girl so much listening to your audio.
I agree with Bonnie you should have deleated Tank 1776. His lack of class should not bring yhou down. I do think you are extremely self confident to be able to list your insecurities and from the pictures we have seen being fat is not one of them. You say your complicated..what woman is not? You say your insecure I argue the opposit. Who could post about their life if they were not 100% confident in who they are. The fact that your Cum Laude after 4 years of school, well that's enought to give anyone a panic attack and depression. My hats off to you and keep up the great Blog!
ReplyDeleteBonnie and Jay gave you great advice above about Tank1776, but let me push it further. Just delete those comments: don't respond. Responding the way you did, IMHO, is like feeding pigeons. Trolls do what they do hoping to get just those reactions. By letting them see how they got a rise out of you, you merely feed their perversion. Delete their bile and don't give it another thought. That's my two cents anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo how come you deleted the apology post? You're not trying to paint me in a bad light are you? :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, why would you friend me on FetLife after ripping on me here?
@Dioneo there's not perversion in asking a girl to live up to her own list. There's allot more perversion in people telling other people what they want to hear.
@Little Butterfly, I agree there. Kelley there was no need for you to list all your faults.
I'm just trying to point out that to attract the right kind of guy, you need to be the right kind of girl. And being the "right girl" is not at all about looks, 100% about emotional maturity.
Tank-
ReplyDeleteI'm posting this and going to delete your post, bc I don't need you harassing the kind people on my blog. I will answer your questions, and I will stop engaging from now on. I am sooo over this.
I deleted your "apology" post because IN WHAT WORLD WAS THAT AN APOLOGY!?!? An apology first has to have the words "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" in it. It also has to not defend what you said in the first place, or call me a "wounded she-wolf" with a "fragile ego." Insulting someone again, is NOT an apology.
I almost left the one where you explained how you are in fact bitter, but decided to just delete them both, hopefully to bring this all to a close. And sweetie, this is my blog. I get to have the last word.
And as to why I friended you on fetlife. You asked to friend me months ago, along with 27 other people, and I just randomly clicked yes and no to be honest on the people I didn't know. When I realized it was you, I un friended you immediately. :)
I wasn't posting a list of all of the things I think a man should be. Simply of the things that I would want in a man. I never said anything about "deserving" that kind of man, or any nonsense like that. You took it to mean that, and for some reason (perhaps you don't fit my personal list? or just hate college girls my age?) felt the need to attack me and tell me how I was just a pretty face and a spoiled little rich girl.
You hurt my feelings, and that is that. Stop trying to act like you were being the good guy by "not just telling me what I want to hear." I'm not hear looking for people's praise (though I'm not going to say I don't like it). I'm here because I like it here. This is MY blog, and MY space, and I give a lot of myself to ya'll, and if I don't want to be insulted in my own home, well then guess what? I don't have to be.
I'm sure that deep down you are a nice guy, and I am glad that you have been a reader for so long. But in this matter, I will be deleting all comments you make on this post, and will be monitoring the rest, should you decide to stay. In part bc, like I said, I'm just over this. In part, bc everyone has been so kind to me, and its not nice for you to say not nice things back to them. An actual apology would be kept, but other than that, I'm a big fan of having the last word :)
xoxo
Princess Kelley
@Tank1776,
ReplyDeleteYour posts are cruel and heartless; your bitterness is showing. What gives you the right to judge and criticise Kelly? You think you're doing her a favor by expressing your scorn and disapproval? You think your insults are going to make her a happy person? What you're really doing is showing us your own insensitivity.
Part One
ReplyDeleteKelley,
I’m Annapurna.
Let me first apologize for misspelling your name in my last post directed at the insensitive Tank1776, an apt name, for it tells us whatever humanity is left in his iron hulk is buried under too much armor.
My daughter has a similar list of non-negotiables, and so do I, but I will talk about mine later. To be honest, however, the first on my daughter’s list is not spanko.
Judging by your lovely photos of February 12, especially the one where a strap lies across your bottom, you’re interested in serious spanking play? If that’s true, I understand why your next male partner can’t be a vanilla. Many men are aroused by the prospect of spanking a young, attractive woman like yourself, but lack the carnal drive, as you have described, to take the spanking to a level that might be more satisfying to you. Yet, can we rule out all vanilla men? Are there some who can rise to the occasion and continue to do so over a lifetime once introduced to the pleasure of giving a spanking to a complicated and fine provocateur? Once a man overcomes his male conditioning not to inflict “physical pain” on a woman and learns to tap his naturally aggressive impulses, could he not be a candidate? Perhaps you could provide coaching in that area? I realize there could be a loss of spontaneity and that delicious feeling of being swept off one’s feet by an irresistible force, but sometimes we can nurture spontaneity so that it gives us the appearance of being completely natural? If that fails, well there’s always spanking parties and blogging for the right guy. I do realize as your appetite for spanking increase, and it will, your partner will need to feel comfortable with role playing and the use of implements.
Exclusivity is a tough one. If we are open to our natural tendencies in an honest and unadulterated way, then there could be too many temptations and experiences to be had, but at the expense of continuity and emotional bonding. I, for one, have always been a sucker for bonding and commitment, but I realize that many people of your age struggle with the commitment-freedom issue. I know my daughter does, even with her boyfriend of four years. For her it’s a question of experiencing too many limitations and having to cope with potential relationship failure, the latter of which can be excruciating beyond any spanking. Nevertheless, even if we are not planning to get married immediately, which is nearly always a good plan, at least at first, we want to know, at least I do, that we are the current center of our partner’s universe and are not some plaything on the side. That’s why I find it so easy to agree with you about having a spanking partner on the side as being a form of cheating. Perhaps like you, I, too, like the whole package, combining serious spanking play with lovemaking. Combining these two elements makes us that much more vulnerable when we are spanked, allowing us to go to depths that would not be possible otherwise. So when you ask for commitment, it seems as natural as rain.
Gentleness is a non-negotiable for me, although it doesn’t make the top five as you will soon see. My partner must be a good person, right to the core. I don’t mean good in deed alone, but in how she views herself and others, how she interacts with the world, how she cares for animals, and how she cares for me. And the most important quality of this goodness is its consistency and non-arbitrary nature. Situational goodness in not acceptable: it’s not okay to be good to those who require no effort in eliciting goodness from us; it’s not okay to just be good to those who bring us joy and happiness; it’s not okay to be only generous of heart to those who deserve it the most. Anyone can do that. A kind person is good to everyone under nearly all circumstances, unless, of course, the preservation of self and loved ones are clearly at stake and supersede the requirement of gentleness.
Annapurna: Part Two
ReplyDeleteIs it an oxymoron, therefore, to ask for a good top, the very person you’re seeking? No. A true spanko knows what it means to spank and be spanked, even if that person is a top. Giving a spanking is not an act of unkindness in the context of safe, sane, and consensual adult spanking, the type of play in which you engage. Spanking someone you love can be an incredibly intimate act. But I think you already know this.
I know what you mean by driven. I’m chauvinistic enough to say that men need to work. The harder they work and the more successful they become, the sexier they are in the eyes of most women. Being a workaholic is a bore and is one way to keep others at a distance, using work as an excuse. Work makes a man powerful and gives him purpose in life. Without work, what are men good for and if they are not successful how can they show confidence and strength in their relationships? What I have to say applies to both heterosexual couples and gay partnerships. After making all these non-politically correct statements about men and work, I must say this: the most awe inspiring sight is a man who may be unemployed but will do anything short of breaking the law to provide for his partner, wife, or family.
Tall and perhaps good looking, why not? You’re entitled, after all your beauty is bountiful. I don’t feel you’re shallow; I’ve heard many of the same comments from my daughter and her friends, all of whom are attractive and do modeling on the side.
What about my list of five non-negotiables? At one time I had a laundry list of non-negotiables until one day, due to absentmindedness, I misplaced it! I’ve already mentioned kindness, but my current list focuses more on process than attributes.
My first non-negotiable is faith, and not of the religious type. For me to find happiness in another person, I had to first develop the attribute of faith within me, a belief that I would find the right person and that that person would meet most of my needs while I, in turn, would meet her’s. The faith I’m talking about is one of inner knowing and confidence, a self-assurance that no matter what happens, the universe will provide for me so long as I remain reasonably positive, be authentic to myself as much as possible, set goals, and work toward these goals in a diligent and responsible manner. Faith is simply another word for trust, an understanding that if I let the more loving and supportive aspects of my personality guide my actions that I would eventually attract someone who would enjoy sharing her life with me.
Hope is number two. Whenever confidence wanes, I call upon hope to carry me. It’s a wish for something better today and tomorrow; it’s a desire for the love, respect, nurturing, and understanding that many of us seek. Faith may not be enough so hope becomes the foundation upon which each day is made more bearable under circumstances that can try the sanity of the sanest among us. When we create a list of non-negotiables, is not that list a tally of hope, a statement of what we long for? Perhaps. Hope is the motivation to keep us going and to help us stay the course even when despair, depression, and the comfort of food beckons us to fall deeper into a dark pit. Hope is the bright light that sustains us on our journeys through life.
Annapurna: Part Three
ReplyDeleteWhen I stumbled upon your blog and listened to your voice on downloadable WAV files, I saw myself in you. Perhaps that’s why I responded and perhaps why I can also say that surrender is number three for me. It’s not enough to have faith and hope; we need to surrender to the process of life in which we are embedded. The surrender to which I refer is not a mindless giving up of all faith and hope but a relaxing into the events as they unfold with the aid of our active participation. Surrender is not despair or the repudiation of life, it’s an openness to all that surrounds us; it’s a willingness to take healthy chances when we are approached; it’s a letting go of preconceived ideas that blind us to the possibilities before us; it’s a belief that we have something of value, something that is prized by others; it’s a willingness to be touched and to touch others in a humane way. If we are constantly on guard, if we are worried about outcomes, if we are concerned about our inherent self-worth, surrender is made more difficult, and the very pleasure and fulfillment we seek will always seem just beyond our grasp.
My post is already longer than I anticipated, yet I have two more conditions on my list! So I will try to be brief.
Discipline comes next, and I don’t mean the kind of discipline that comes from a spanking hand or strap. I’m talking about the desire to be the best we can be while honoring our limitations without undue self-criticism. Discipline means boundaries; it means knowing where we start and end in regards to others; it means what we will accept from others and what we must reject if we are mistreated. Discipline is the course we plot for ourselves in life, and it can include such basic things like eating well, dieting appropriately, exercise, honoring our commitments to self and others, nurturing ourselves when experiencing emotional distress, keeping promises, working, studying, and so forth.
Finally, there’s knowledge—knowledge of self and knowledge of the world as it relates to us. Self-knowledge is perhaps the best attribute of all, for it tells us what we really want, who we are, and how we became the person we are today as well as where we might be going tomorrow. The more we know about ourselves, the better we will be able to recognize the right guy when he appears before us.
Kelley, you also asked whether this would be a good time for you to venture forth to find a new partner. My answer is “yes.” Anytime is a good time, and there’s no better time like the present.
With love,
Annapurna